To have depression because of toddlers sleep?

[Toddlersleephell]

It’s utter hell.

Wakes around an hour after going to bed, falls asleep when picked up, wakes and screams when put in cot. I honestly don’t know what to do. Has anyone been through this? Sleep books I’ve read seem to work on the assumption that the child will sleep when you’re there so gradual retreat but mine just gets more and more upset.

Do what you can to get through this and fuck what (most) other people say.

I’ve got 5 DC so been through this stage.

We found having a massive bed helped so DC could come in and we’d all get sleep.

Have you thought about getting a normal bed with a bed guard for their room? You could stay and cuddle/get some sleep yourself then sneak out?

Yes I have been there. I tried everything to get my now 11yo DS to sleep when he was a baby/toddler. Eventually I gave up and let him come in with us and we all slept so much better. It's not for everyone but I was working full time and needed to sleep.

He didn't sleep through the night in his own bed until he was about 6, but we had him in with us from when he was about 2, so the sleep deprivation did reduce. I believe it was separation anxiety causing him to wake and not settle.

We have done the same with his brother, who's 5 now (although he has been a better sleeper). Sometimes we wake up with one or both of them in with us. Sometimes neither. DS1 has a double bed so DS2 sleeps in it as well, and they both sleep pretty well now.

It does get easier, but YANBU to be suffering with depression. Sleep deprivation is torture. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 18 months ago, I left it very late to get help for it, so if you are struggling then please speak to your GP.

I keep seeing this, that when they come in bed with you everyone sleeps so much better but I don’t, it’s awful. He kicks constantly and he rolls over onto my hair and so it pulls. I felt like I was being scalped last night! I wish I knew what might help

Have you tried controlled crying method, or a reward method? Personally don't advocate co sleeping but that's just my view !

He wouldn’t understand a reward based approach - just too young.

Controlled crying is similar to gradual retreat, I think?

Yes maybe too young but controlled crying worked really quick each time for us , have you tried it,

Do whatever it takes to knock this on the head - controlled crying, anything! But if you can avoid Co-sleeping unless, like me, you want to be getting kicked in the bladder 13 times a night when they’re still 6!

I probably need to look into controlled crying a bit more. My worry is that he seems to get more worked up the longer you take, sometimes nipping it in the bud is better. Other times like last night just nothing works!

I can totally relate to doing the easy thing to make them be quiet/happy and quickly. But on the whole, is that approach working - because they’re still up every night, and sleep is so important at this age. Better to have a few nights of controlled crying than months and months of this!

Alternatively, do you think you could hire a sleep consultant? If you’re in London I know a fantastic one!

Controlled crying is basically the opposite of gradual retreat. Do bedtime routine, same every night, then a kiss and a cuddle, in the cot, say "it's sleep time now, see you in the morning, love you" and LEAVE. If he gets upset, wait two minutes, then go back in, lay him back down, DO NOT PICK HIM UP. Say the phrase again, leave. This time if he gets upset, wait 4 minutes then go back in and repeat. Then wait 6, 8, 10 minutes. Never leave it longer than 10 minutes, keep repeating that one til he sleeps. First night will be fucking awful, but it should only take a week max. It only took one night for us.

I’m not in London but I actually might consider a sleep consultant. I just really need someone to tell me what to do and stick to it. I am probably guilty of making it up as I go along.

Thanks @MolliciousIntent, the thing is he goes to sleep fine. But it’s once he’s woken up that’s the problem and sometimes this is only an hour or so after I’ve got him down.

Get a sleep coach - kimmy's little stars (on Facebook) is who we used. Worked a dream.

@Toddlersleephell

I keep seeing this, that when they come in bed with you everyone sleeps so much better but I don’t, it’s awful. He kicks constantly and he rolls over onto my hair and so it pulls. I felt like I was being scalped last night! I wish I knew what might help

I get this. I have 3 dc, first was OK at cosleeping though a bit fidgety, rarely had to as a good sleeper. Dc2 was a dream to Co sleep with, small, still, silent and just lovely. Dc3 who is the worst sleeper is IMPOSSIBLE to cosleep with. Fidgety, and seemingly unable to settle with someone there. I only cosleep with her now if she's hideously poorly ( this has happened once) and I think some people don't get that some kids do NOT cosleep well.

Could you get him a bed that you (or whoever else is helping) could get in with him? When he wakes, cuddle to sleep, then go back to your own bed?

If you do go for a sleep consultant, I cannot recommend Ann Caird at Nurturing Sleep highly enough - she saved my sanity with DS1, and we used the same techniques with DS2 who also thought that sleep was for the weak. She takes a very gentle, holistic approach, and it’s all done through FaceTime so doesn’t matter where you’re based. What was amazing was someone else coming up with a plan and telling me what to do, I just couldn’t think straight when that sleep deprived.

@Toddlersleephell

Thanks *@MolliciousIntent*, the thing is he goes to sleep fine. But it’s once he’s woken up that’s the problem and sometimes this is only an hour or so after I’ve got him down.

You just do the exact same thing at every wake

How old is he, what are his naps like and when do you put him down for bed?

How old is he? I would do controlled crying (which works for wake-ups not just going to sleep) but it's a lot harder if your child can come out of bed and climb over stair gates etc

Ignore the cosleeping crowd, it's not the answer to everything

I’m another one for controlled crying (“Ferber”). We also had 3 DCs who would go to bed very easily but wake up throughout the night and want to be rocked back to sleep (way past a feeding-to-sleep age!). Ferber always worked for us within 3 nights. Obviously we parents were way less tired afterwards, but so were the DCs - better behaved and generally in better moods. It was a huge life saver.

Thanks. He is 16 months. He has one nap 12-2 approx. Never any issues going down for nap and rare any issues going down for the night (730) but he wakes up and then won’t go back.

Do you think he could be overtired? I spoke to a sleep consultant once about a similar issue and she said sometimes that's the reason they initially crash out but then wake up shortly after really upset. Maybe you could try an earlier bedtime and see if that helps?

Let him cry it out or controlled crying, whatever it's now called. It's really hard and you need to tough it out but it's infinitely preferable to sharing your bed. But each to their own. Before the rabid co sleeping brigade pile on....Good luck

So bedtime needs to be earlier - he's waking up after an hour as he's overtired. If he's waking at 2pm, bedtime needs to be before 7, 6.30 preferably. Don't lift him when he wakes - pop him on his side, curl his legs gently up and support with gentle downward pressure with one hand, then rhythmically tap his bum whilst shushing or singing gently with the other hand. No milk overnight, only offer water

I can maybe try that @chocopuffs especially tonight as he had a bad night.