To have depression because of toddlers sleep?

[Toddlersleephell]

It’s utter hell.

Wakes around an hour after going to bed, falls asleep when picked up, wakes and screams when put in cot. I honestly don’t know what to do. Has anyone been through this? Sleep books I’ve read seem to work on the assumption that the child will sleep when you’re there so gradual retreat but mine just gets more and more upset.

@Toddlersleephell

It’s utter hell.

Wakes around an hour after going to bed, falls asleep when picked up, wakes and screams when put in cot. I honestly don’t know what to do. Has anyone been through this? Sleep books I’ve read seem to work on the assumption that the child will sleep when you’re there so gradual retreat but mine just gets more and more upset.

Try putting him down and leaving away. I never did the gradual retreat thing with mine.

I would get on with controlled crying before he is old enough to climb out of his cot. With DS1, he was like yours, he would go to sleep fine but was constantly waking up and being with us - cosleeping, gradual retreat etc was totally counter productive

Hi Op,

I had this with second DC. I put on 2 stone in one year from when they were 1.5 to about 2.5 from depression dealing with it. Waking usually 8 times a night, nothing kept them asleep. Not my bed, not white noise , not all the stuff the Dr recommended, baths, routine,not anything. Every hour or so I was up. No one else would do. DH tried but it had to be me. I lost all hope of him growing out if it after about 15 months. Oldest DC was always a great sleeper so it was a huge shock. They are 4 now and still a bad sleeper. Probably sleeps through 2 or 3 nights a week and other nights we are up and down like yoyos still. You have my total sympathy ❤️

Thanks, and @IrishMama2015 yes this is me, I’ve gained 2 stone from just being knackered and looking for comfort and energy.

I was the same seeking comfort and energy in food and am still carrying that weight around. It did get better but it is still a rough gig. I also was staying up later and later as was actually dreading going to bed. Was easier to deal with it by staying awake. I really got run down and definitely got depressed

OP - I was the same and used a sleep consultant. Best money I ever spent (6 months on his routine is still amazing). I’ll PM you - I’m sure many others are available and equally capable.

I found cosleeping saved my sanity and everyone got plenty sleep that way. It's not a cure all, ofc. It's hard being sleep deprived though. Take care of yourself whatever solution you decide on. Fwiw I think letting kids cry for prolonged periods is bad for them, but people don't want to hear this. If it's that or you doing something drastic, it's the lesser of two evils and your child will be fine regardless, in the long term.
All of mine grew into their own beds before they went to school. Some were teeny, some five,.

We put a double mattress on the floor
Put him to bed, cuddles him to sleep and then I would 'roll' out of bed
Every time he woke I'd do the same but at least I could rest and fall asleep at times

He’s screaming hysterically now. Have been in to check but I seem to be making it worse

Why can’t he just fucking sleep!?

How old? We didn't co-sleep and my son was an awful sleeper. When he reached 18m we would frequently put a cheap ikea cot mattress on the floor next to our bed and let him sleep on that. He's now 3 and sometimes we still do it if he's going through a big of a leap and waking more in the night.

I have found working with the issues moves us through the stage rather than trying to 'solve' it with and sleep training techniques. It's hell (at 15m he was still waking 5 times a night I have no idea how I got through it) but you do eventually come out the other side.

Just seen he's 16m. I tried the controlled crying/gradual retreat (on advice of sleep consultant) and it didn't work, he would just more and more hysterical. I would look at some kind of 'Co-sleeping' in the same room but separated a bit so he's not rolling on you/kicking you. If you have to be in your room for the hour to resettle him at that first wake up then take a snack and get some good earphones and chill and listen to a podcast or something.

It feels never ending but as the saying goes, this too shall pass.

I agree with some of the other suggestions on possible over tiredness, try shortening his daytime nap and putting him to bed earlier eg only an hour nap but bed at 6.30 instead of 7. I know that 2 hour nap will feel like your saviour just now but if it helps him sleep through the night it will be worth giving it up. Also get his ears checked with the GP if you're saying he can sleep fine when lifted up as DS had problems with his ears and recurrent infections that weren't always obvious, apparently it's sorer when lying down due to the pressure and he was more settled when sleeping upright on us. He eventually got grommets fitted at 2 and that definitely seemed to help.
Sending big hugs, prolonged sleep deprivation into toodlerhood is like physical torture, I lived on energy drinks and chocolate just to keep functioning. I know it feels never ending but it will one day get better.

@Toddlersleephell 16 months was the middle of hell sleep for first child. He only improved getting a brother when he turned 3. But I don't believe anything would have worked for him. He was horrific for 3 years but after that became the most awesome child you could hope for. So maybe getting an expert to control the crying will work,but they all sort themselves out

There's new advice now by durhum university called sleep, baby and you. The main idea is that you have a set wake up time everyday. It needs to be within 10 mins of that everyday - don't keep changing. I do 6.45 as fits with work. (I bought a gro clock and say good morning to the owl every day and good night when go to bed). If they wake in the night then you put straight to bed with whatever works for you. During the day you do nap while on the go. Your LO also needs to be active - try to go outside in morning etc. The more active during the day the better. Nap not too late in day and not too long as effects sleep.

He sounds overtired, how much sleep is he having over a 24 hour period?

@Mummy2C I have read that too - that that’s most important to set their circadian rhythm.

Sounds overtired to me too. I'd be putting him down earlier or letting him sleep a bit longer at naptime. Mine was doing 3hr nap at that age and 7-7 overnight.

If that doesn't help then I'd do controlled crying. Shhh- pat as suggested above only works for little babies normally.

I totally understand how hard this is - what has caused your depression isn’t your toddlers sleep, it’s true sleep books. The expectations we have been given around baby sleep is what is wrong here. Babies and toddlers don’t read the books, they’re not robots. They all have different needs. My first was a ‘nightmare’ with sleep - she wouldn’t ever sleep in a cot. We took to bedsharing and it worked for us, if you don’t want to do this have you considered a floor bed for the toddler? Cuddle to sleep and move away once asleep. Many toddlers just don’t like the feeling of going to sleep alone and self settling before developmentally ready is a myth. I’m so sorry you’re struggling 🌸 it will get better over time, but for now just do what is easiest and what works for you and your toddler without trying to do what a book tells you.

sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/06/30/self-settling-what-really-happens-when-you-teach-a-baby-to-self-soothe-to-sleep/amp/

sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/06/26/why-babies-hate-cots-and-cribs-and-what-to-do-instead/amp/

It’s the sleep books*

@Toddlersleephell

I keep seeing this, that when they come in bed with you everyone sleeps so much better but I don’t, it’s awful. He kicks constantly and he rolls over onto my hair and so it pulls. I felt like I was being scalped last night! I wish I knew what might help

Try going up the other end so he can't get your head. It will pass. We brought ours in with us just to get some sleep and after a year she went in her own bed in her own room. Hang in there it will get better

I couldn’t co-sleep with my first until he was 2, he wouldn’t settle.

My second will happily co-sleep but I find they both sleep better in their own space. It’s all about sleep associations.

Unless there’s a medical reason your toddler should be able to sleep better. It’s just getting to the bottom of the route cause.

I guess for you that’s a lack of sleep overall, so it might be tweaking bedtimes and nap length/times.