Family blaming me for going NC?

[NCNCNCdadquestion]

Background - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4517489-To-go-NC-with-dad-after-granddads-funeral?msgid=116244884#116244884

DF has history of being abusive but doesn't acknowledge it/blames me. Went to family therapy and he point blank denied my memories and basically called me delusional.

Finally after doing it in front of my kids I sent him a message and decided to go NC.

EVERYONE in my life is now trying to change my mind. MIL said "even as you're speaking I know this won't last, you're a forgiving person."

Last night at a family dinner they all said "it's such a shame, don't rip the family apart, how can he make it up to you if you don't talk (he was at the dinner, didn't apologise or make any effort), why don't you just bring the kids to his house, he loves the kids so much, don't punish the kids."

I tried to explain it's his behaviour, not mine, I am not the one breaking up the family, and I don't want my kids around it - and if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Then DF just said to my uncle "Get the car and drive her home" like a child, so I was "sent home."

What do I do?! I just want to feel that I am making a serious rational decision. As a teenager I removed myself from family because of this dynamic and everyone referred to me as unstable and a "problem child." Even if I can't convince them what can I say/do to convince myself I am making the right choice, not being "crazy" or breaking up the family?

In my experience, if you are the one saying you won't be in the same room, the wider family will label you as the difficult, problem one. If you want to maintain relationships with the rest of the family, go as low drama as you can. No explaining your situation, no dialogue with the abuser or the others. Just minimal hello and goodbye with the abuser, and perhaps a sorry for your loss in the situation mentioned. Then a repeated 'I am not prepared to discuss this, would ask you to respect my decision'. It is really hard if cutting off your abuser means that you lose more people from your life, but as a PP said, people often want to maintain the status quo and actually may benefit from you being the scapegoat as it draws fire from them or if they could not blame you, they may have to actually get to grips with the bad behaviour. Best of luck to you. I have been badmouthed for setting limits, and it is not fun. But it makes space in your life for people who are nice to you. Just think how great you will feel when you are not constantly expecting abuse from everyone.

Your extended family has a vested interest in keeping you there to be the target of his abuse. Once you remove yourself he will find a new target.

I understand why you went to the dinner but think you can’t be around him until you are stronger. If he can just tell someone to take you home and they do it, that’s not going to work. You have to be in control of your comings and going’s whenever he will be present.

Just reading an article of DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender) and had to share this bit with you.

The cognitive distortions created by DARVO cultivate an ecosystem of moral corruption. Members of the peer group are encouraged by the narcissist to engage in polarized or black and white thinking.

'The group’s empathy for the narcissist is weaponized and used to encourage negative biases about the recipient of the abuse. Narcissists, psychopaths and other manipulators do this in order to ensure that members of the dominant clique become indifferent and callous about the betrayal of the survivor.'

All the best to you OP, take care of yourself because you deserve it.

The group’s empathy for the narcissist is weaponized and used to encourage negative biases about the recipient of the abuse. Narcissists, psychopaths and other manipulators do this in order to ensure that members of the dominant clique become indifferent and callous about the betrayal of the survivor

Oh my God this 100% describes what my mother did.

@MinnieGirl

I wouldn’t be at a family dinner with him if I’d gone NC

As others have said, continue to repeat, I’ve made my decision and don’t wish to discuss it further.

This. And he doesn’t get to send you home either. You have your own transport.

Honestly you need to step away from all of them.

Why are your in laws mil? Involved in a meal with your father? Have I missed something.

If he is abusive cut ties with anyone telling you to be contact or pushing you towards contact - they don’t have your interests at heart

@oliviastwisted - I know, right! Not that I know what your mum did, but I got chills reading it and thinking about my own family.

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers

Just reading an article of DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender) and had to share this bit with you.

The cognitive distortions created by DARVO cultivate an ecosystem of moral corruption. Members of the peer group are encouraged by the narcissist to engage in polarized or black and white thinking.

'The group’s empathy for the narcissist is weaponized and used to encourage negative biases about the recipient of the abuse. Narcissists, psychopaths and other manipulators do this in order to ensure that members of the dominant clique become indifferent and callous about the betrayal of the survivor.'

All the best to you OP, take care of yourself because you deserve it.

Absolutely this 100% leave the group

Should have posted the link:

www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/darvo/

@NCNCNCdadquestion

As to why I was at the dinner, my grandma whose husband just died made me promise to be there. I thought it would be fine to be there because I wouldn't interact with DF and he would only be one of 20 people there. I wasn't "sulking" I was speaking to other family members and not obviously ignoring him. Then they had to bring it up and make that the focus.

We know you weren't 'sulking' but the person that you are going No Contact with doesn't have the comprehension of what they did and why you are going NC.

NC means cutting them entirely out of your life.
If your MiL comments about it, she is assuming the role of a 'flying monkey', as she believes that there is something to be 'fixed' in the relationship and sees her role to be the 'fixer' here. There isn't anything to be fixed.

If someone comments again, and they will, they can't help themselves, you have your bog standard Maggie Thatcher response ready ("This woman is not for turning" is what I'm referring to here) by saying "Look, I've been through this and said this so many times now. I've made my choice here. You can either respect that and we can move on or you can show me by continuing to discuss it that you don't respect my choice and you don't respect me. I want to move on. Can't we move on? Great" (that's assuming they've said yes to that last bit).
If they don't want to move on and show you that they don't respect your decision, you leave. Where ever you are, whatever you are doing, you get your things and you leave, all of you (you, your DH and your kids). Remove yourselves from the discussion and leave.

You haven’t gone NC with him if you’re still attending dinners at which he is also a guest, and that is clearly going to keep being an issue if you do it again. Next time you’re invited to anything, ask if he will be there and if he is, explain politely that you can’t see him so won’t be able to attend, but would love to meet up with them separately some time.

As to why I was at the dinner, my grandma whose husband just died made me promise to be there

She is just as bad / is complicit in this too. its all guilt and manipulation...
She should accept you are NC and have met you separately.

I'd minimise contact woth the lot of them and you need to get some solid boundaries and get really comfortable with people being uncomfortable / unhappy with your good life choices

I have a similar but not so extreme experience. We have family gatherings, my brother is a complete arse to me or my daughter in front of everyone, I call it out and i’m the one being disruptive. I’m very LC with him, and I know my family don’t like it, but the difference is, they don’t raise it with me. If they did, I’d just be honest. He makes it miserable whenever I interact with him.

@BoredZelda

I have a similar but not so extreme experience. We have family gatherings, my brother is a complete arse to me or my daughter in front of everyone, I call it out and i’m the one being disruptive. I’m very LC with him, and I know my family don’t like it, but the difference is, they don’t raise it with me. If they did, I’d just be honest. He makes it miserable whenever I interact with him.

My brother was the same. My mum dawned over him whilst he pretended I wasn't there. She denied she was doing it and he acted as if I didn't exist. I never really knew why and as he took his own life is n December 2020 I don't suppose I ever will but there's a point at which you have to detach yourself from it because you'll drive yourself mad with it,

Thank you everyone.

Family have sent me crying emojis with "is there any way you will let the DC come to DF's house, the whole family is upset"

DF sent me a message saying "I can't believe you would be so cruel as to take away my grandchildren."

So stressful.

@NCNCNCdadquestion

Thank you everyone.

Family have sent me crying emojis with "is there any way you will let the DC come to DF's house, the whole family is upset"

DF sent me a message saying "I can't believe you would be so cruel as to take away my grandchildren."

So stressful.

Ignore ignore ignore.

I second the advice to ignore.
"The whole family is upset." How manipulative. If they are upset it's because they have sat by while your father is awful to you. They should blame your father and themselves, not guilt you.

You didn't take away your father's grandchildren. He is responsible for that situation. It is the right thing and being a good parent to protect children from this kind of thing.

Stay strong OP. These messages are designed to guilt you into backing down so they can all be comfortable again.

You are trying to figure this out which is incredibly difficult and painful. They are trying to gaslight to get you to go back to being a target for abuse do the family doesn’t have to address this abusive behaviour.

I’ve been there. My mother is cruel and manipulative woman and she tells everyone who will listen that I took her grandchildren away. But my brother is a paedophile who abused me and my sister (my sister for decades) and she and my father enable him and manipulated me using my empathy for her and for my brother to go along with hiding his abuse of me. Trying to speak to any member of my family (including my sister who is in complete denial) about this is awfully painful because they just keep trying to normalise my parents abuse of their daughters.

You cannot change them. If someone wants to get out of this family system they will choose to do so and get back to you but word of warning I have a huge extended family who know now the whole story and they have just swept this under the rug. It is not usual for people to break links in these situations. You need to keep yourself and your children safe. You are strong, you will be able to do this.

@NCNCNCdadquestion

Thank you everyone.

Family have sent me crying emojis with "is there any way you will let the DC come to DF's house, the whole family is upset"

DF sent me a message saying "I can't believe you would be so cruel as to take away my grandchildren."

So stressful.

If you are NC then why haven’t you blocked you F?🤷‍♀️ Sounds like you not really sure about being NC

I tried to explain it's his behaviour, not mine, I am not the one breaking up the family, and I don't want my kids around it - and if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Was he present when you were explaining? What was he doing at this point?

If you are NC then why haven’t you blocked you F?🤷‍♀️ Sounds like you not really sure about being NC

I haven’t blocked either of my parents and I haven’t spoken to them for nearly 5 years. To block someone on my phone means to keep their number in the phone, I deleted all my family members numbers off the phone instead because I didn’t want to contact them but I was willing to listen if they came back saying they wanted to change what they were doing so they would have been free to contact me at any time.

The OP needs to do this at her own pace and in her own way, there isn’t a set way of doing NC.

Block them all! Nasty manipulators

Yeh, if i block my parents, then i wouldnt know if they TRIED to communicate. Hasnt happened yet unsurprisingly, but if id just blocked them i wouldnt know that they have never tried. So it is validating to see their lack of effort. I made all the effort to communicate for 2 years.