Family blaming me for going NC?

[NCNCNCdadquestion]

Background - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4517489-To-go-NC-with-dad-after-granddads-funeral?msgid=116244884#116244884

DF has history of being abusive but doesn't acknowledge it/blames me. Went to family therapy and he point blank denied my memories and basically called me delusional.

Finally after doing it in front of my kids I sent him a message and decided to go NC.

EVERYONE in my life is now trying to change my mind. MIL said "even as you're speaking I know this won't last, you're a forgiving person."

Last night at a family dinner they all said "it's such a shame, don't rip the family apart, how can he make it up to you if you don't talk (he was at the dinner, didn't apologise or make any effort), why don't you just bring the kids to his house, he loves the kids so much, don't punish the kids."

I tried to explain it's his behaviour, not mine, I am not the one breaking up the family, and I don't want my kids around it - and if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Then DF just said to my uncle "Get the car and drive her home" like a child, so I was "sent home."

What do I do?! I just want to feel that I am making a serious rational decision. As a teenager I removed myself from family because of this dynamic and everyone referred to me as unstable and a "problem child." Even if I can't convince them what can I say/do to convince myself I am making the right choice, not being "crazy" or breaking up the family?

I went NC with my father almost 3 years ago. It is only I'd say in the last 6 months that other members of the family have stopped trying to persuade me to speak with him. I've held my ground and have been clear in my answer every time. I think the family FINALLY realise that I'm not doing this because I'm angry or want to hurt him, I'm doing it to protect myself and my son and therefore I am never just going to "get over it" - it is permanent. It's a situation caused by him and he has to deal with the consequences of his actions and words.

@JoyLurking9to5 thank you xxx
It really does feel exactly like I'm expected to "play a role." For example I was told they expected me to end up "pregnant or on drugs" when I didn't even drink or have a boyfriend until 18. All the problems end up put on me, for example there is a family predisposition to OCD, I don't have it but somehow all conversations get turned around to my OCD tendencies - it's like I'm a dumping ground for the family problems so they get to feel like their problems are disposed of and contained somewhere else.

It just feels unfair because I was taken away from my mum as a child and was also the scapegoat there. I would love to be somewhere where I could be loved and accepted for who I am and not be the target. I feel like I have to constantly fight or be alone, and it's exhausting.

But thanks everyone. I'm reading all the comments.

Also agree you're not really NC if you're attending family meals with him. I will not ever be in the same room as that man again and have missed numerous family occasions which is sad (as it is his abusive behaviour that has caused it and yet I have had to miss out on events) but that's because I would never ask anyone else to choose between us, the choice is down to me and unfortunately sometimes not being around him also means me and my family miss out. Ultimately it's worth it though to not have him in our lives.

@PurBal can I ask if you haven't gone NC what you have done? Are there ways to protect yourself other than NC if NC isn't feasible?

@oliviatwisted, that's so hurtful, you going nc with them just allowed them to compartmentalise more easily. It's another betrayal. The extended family didn't even have to pick a side. They didn't have to confront the fact that they chose the easy thing over the right thing.

I'm not surprised that you feel that you need a voice. Keep believing yourself.

I'm still dipping in to this but listening to Dr Mario Martinez and the three wounds, if the wound is betrayal, the suggested antidote to that wound is to commit to being loyal to yourself, your interpretation of events.

That's what I'm doing at the moment. Nobody is listening. They carry on demonising me, talking about me not to me, but I do finally feel better for having stood so firmly in my own interpretation of events.

There was a kind of critical point, before Christmas, it would have been 20 months after the initial upset , and I was still hoping they would acknowledge that they hurt me, acknowledge the double standard ie, that my pain is not a mere grudge while theirs is real and used to manipulate me in to feeling bad about not caring about their pain! But in 20 months, they had not one mm of emotional growth and just before christmas I did feel I was GOING MAD!

i'd ALready had therapy, i'd done the work books, listened to hundreds of hours of helpful lectures on youtube, but they still just see me as an ungrateful mentally unhinged brat. They thought LESS of me than they had done when they upset me 20 months earlier. I thought that that was going to derail me. To still want their approval but to have gone backwards not forwards.

But after that critical point, feeling so upset and allowing myself to feel so upset, I got through it, I didn't do anything ''reactionary'', I finally have some detachment. I just don't care as much anymore.

They are emotionally retarded and I might as well explain the double standards to them in chinese, they just aren't capable of understanding. It hurts but not as much as it did.

I wanted to go low contact with my family but I found it upsetting to think how the story would be rewritten by my mother/sister to make me look like the crazy villain to all those friends and extended family I cared about.

So I started by distancing myself from that people as well. Interestingly, it was only up to this point that I realised they were not really that important in my life. People who cares about you won’t believe them, people who don’t, don’t matter.

Your family is acting as his flying monkeys

You can interact with them separately, but only if they don’t hassle you about him, otherwise they have to go too

I know it’s lonely, but they’re not invested in your health or happiness

yes, my mother has smeared me to the relatives too.

That was really intensely upsetting for a short while but I think I realised that if they were that quick to think badly of me then I'm free to let that go and not try.

And they did buy her smear, because I had texted two aunts to thank them for cards sent to my daughter and got no response so that was a very different reaction.

But I will never bother trying to be polite to extended family again, I have decades of being a grateful little people pleaser drummed in to me. All the millions of fucking thank you cards I've had to write over the years on my mother's orders, and ONE smear campaign from my mother and my aunts do not respond to a simple ''thank you'' text. It wasn't like I'd tried to drag them in to the bullshit.

So I've let that go. Fuck them. They always saw me and my brother through a second class citizen in this family lens. My brother would roll his eyes at that, but while my cousins' parents were busy building them up and defending them, my mother would be saying how disappointed she was that I had had children without being married, never found somebody new, that I was '''angry'' apparently. I'm not angry. I'm angry WITH HER FOR GOOD REASON.

From personal experience, family will often try and 'talk you round'. They seem to prefer the status quo, even if it's toxic. Perhaps they don't have to question their own role in it then?

It can be painful when friends or other people don't get it either. People have said to me "Oh, I could never imagine not speaking to my parents!". My stock answer to this is "That's because you don't have mine.".

It's really hard going NC but ultimately think of it as protecting your mental health. And does your dad model healthy emotional behaviour for your kids? No. So it's not "punishing the kids", it's protecting them.

I re read your old post - don’t spend any time with this man. He must be very manipulative as the others don’t see it.
Respect yourself and look to the future - there is absolutely no way you should tolerate that behaviour or allow your children to see you treated like that. It will normalise abuse.

''I know it’s lonely, but they’re not invested in your health or happiness''

SO true.

The emotionally unhealthy family is invested in to you remaining the same trash can for the emotions they have never confronted or dealt with.

In the case of my own family it is a deeply entrenched core belief that they all have that I do not have feelings. The rules in my dysfunctional family are as below:

My visibly hurt reaction to being hurt by them- Absolutely forbidden and should be met with white rage, silent treatments and martyrdom.

Their reaction to being called out; martyrdom and silent treatments - Absolutely completely justified.

Your family is your children and you have a responsibility to break this abuse chain.

It can be lonely to go NC with family, but no where near as lonely as being the family ‘issue’

You do not deserve to be treated this way and it is not your responsibility to keep playing this role for the sake of ‘family’

As someone who is nc with df I agree no family dinners if he’s there . I used to have this please make peace do it for me from other family when it wasn’t me it was him , and I never got any attempt from him to apologise or make peace but I had to do it even though I wasn’t in the wrong .
The final straw was he couldn’t help himself one day and sent me abusive messages which I kept and sent to family , so they couldn’t ignore his behaviour or plead with me to make peace . They still talk to him but least they know I won’t be around him ever .
Be strong refuse family events if he’s there it will get easier .

"Then DF just said to my uncle "Get the car and drive her home" like a child, so I was "sent home."

The above is your reason that you will never doing a family event again.

They allowed the above to happen, so you will not be "sent home" again.

Stay strong and stick to your guns. I went NC with "the woman that gave birth to me" for the first time way back in 2002 for around 6 months and I caved to pressure from other family members - mainly "the man that spawned me" and it was alright for around a year or so after we resumed contact but then sure as eggs is eggs the snide comments, outright lies and jealousy started again and it took another 12 years before I finally cut all ties with ALL family.
Still get the odd pleading text or voicemail trying to pull at heart strings (should change my number really)
I have absolutely no empathy whatsoever for them at all, I came to the realisation that they are all enablers to each other and feed from being bitter nasty people who only find joy in creating drama and thinking they are better than anyone else.
It's not the easiest thing to do and lots of feelings and old memories will resurface but you will be a better person in the end. You are not beholding to anyone. 💞💞

Are you in contact with your mum now?

@maddening I wasn't for years but I am now every now and again. She never accepted her abuse and still maintains it was all my fault so we keep it to light and neutral topics and only talk every few months, and she's only met DC twice.

[quote NCNCNCdadquestion]@maddening I wasn't for years but I am now every now and again. She never accepted her abuse and still maintains it was all my fault so we keep it to light and neutral topics and only talk every few months, and she's only met DC twice.[/quote]
I'm so sorry op. But nc, whilst hard, is the best thing for your mh.

That's horrible OP. Have you been on the stately homes thread in relationships?

I wouldn't have gone to the dinner if you're NC. Sitting at dinner is contact, and he clearly used the opportunity to gaslight and demean you.

If you do feel you must go to these things, then ensure you have your own way of getting home so you can leave at any moment without relying on anyone.

The whole family is complicit in your abuse. Did 20 people really sit there while a grown woman was told to leave the table and be taken home? That's incredibly infantilising and demeaning. Who the fuck does your father think he is? Why on earth would your uncle comply with this by leaving the dinner himself to drive you home?

They are all flying monkeys.

You know what's best for your children

These people are all doing what is most comfortable for them, at your expense. Good on you for taking a stand. Unfortunately when you take a stand, even against one family member, there can be collateral damage of other members of the family, or even all of them. I wouldn't go to dinner with them again. They all sat there while you were sent away from the table like a disobedient child? There's so much wrong with this. You need no other reason to not go again.

NCNCNC after a time I realised the emotions I had were around being rejected, abandoned and betrayed by my family. Learning face up to and to cope with the feelings of rejection, abandonment and betrayal really, really helped me. When I accepted that I chose to accept those feelings in favour of participating in my own abuse and that people who choose to participate in sweeping the abuse of others under the rug lack both courage and integrity I have been able to move on almost completely. I mean there is grief and sadness as there would be for any loss but I genuinely feel my life is better without them.

I certainly wouldn’t have been driven home like a mighty child. I would have called a taxi and left of my own accord.

It seems to me that wider family are culpable as they are downplaying his abuse. I certainly would be taking the kids to visit.

I would suggest not going to family events he is at and reducing family contact overall unless your decision is respected.

OP, you cannot control what they say or think about you. Whether you have contact or not they will blame you and make you feel lonely.

Stay away. And try to stop having a stake in what they say about you.

You have to stop caring what they think about you. It isn't really relevant to your life - move on without them. Sounds cold, but I've been a peacekeeper for one particular family member for 20 years. None of my efforts were appreciated by him and his behaviour continued - to me and others. So I quit peacekeeping. Nobody speaks to him now, including me. You have control over your DC. You can tell them anything you want. I'd go with a sanitised version of the truth, probably including the part where he put their breakfast in the bin.

Sorry to hear this OP. Between your Dm and DF your childhood was probably pretty tough. Well done for having so much insight now as to question them.
Do you have friends? Is your DP a good person? And his family? Do you live close to your own family and if so could you possibly move further away? I say this because the more distance there is, the less you will think or care about what they say to others about you and the easier it will be to keep them away from your DC without any drama.