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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not punish potty training accidents?

52 replies

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 16/04/2022 00:13

We potty trained DS when he was 2 years old. It went pretty well. Then, he had a 12-day tummy bug. After cleaning diarrhea off the sofa twice, I put him back in a diaper (anticipating an illness of a couple of days, not 12!!!) He totally regressed and had no interest in going back to potty training. I decided not to force the issue.

Now, he’s recently 3. Last weekend, he asked me to go to the toilet a couple of times and was successful! He was keen to be a big boy. We kept him home for 2 days and potty trained him - only 3 accidents on day one!

… but he’s plateaued there. 3-5 accidents every day (although I’ll grant he also has several successes each day, often self-initiated). Often, his accident is less than 10 minutes after we’ve asked if he needs to go. He says no, keeps on playing, has an accident… and keeps on playing! He does not care a whit if he is wet or dirty.

Both daycare and my DGM have suggested that he’s old enough to be totally capable of potty training, he has SHOWN he’s capable by potty training at 2, and was doing really quite well on Day 1 without diapers. They suggest gently punishing accidents at home (they won’t punish him at daycare) - either give him a time out, or revoke his after-supper television privileges.

I’m uneasy with this idea. Yes, he’s resisting and tantruming a fair bit at the moment, especially about poos, but I worry that punishing him will just escalate things, and today is only Day 5.

I’d rather keep this a neutral or positive experience. At the same time, my method isn’t being wildly successful, so maybe I’m wrong!

YABU - give him a time out. He knows how to use the potty, he just can’t be bothered, and he needs consequences.

YANBU - punishing 3-year-olds for accidents won’t work. (But other suggestions are helpful!)

OP posts:
pastaparadise · 16/04/2022 00:16

Yanbu - def don't punish. Just be neutral and clear up (he can help if he wants). Focus on rewards for effort ( ie sitting on potty and trying) more than for achievement

Teacupsandtoast · 16/04/2022 00:20

Put a nappy back on. If they are ready, 3 days is enough for them to crack it. Take a break and try again in a few weeks

Threetulips · 16/04/2022 00:20

I would when dirty or wet lead him to the bathroom ask him to wait while you get clean clothes - do this slowly - don’t engage with him bar instructions to clean/undress/dress and take your time - he wants to play and this is timeout by the back door! He’ll get the message that using the toilet is much quicker than getting changed and it makes using the loo ‘worth while’

Cakeandcoffee93 · 16/04/2022 00:22

Wow I’m really surprised at nursery for that. Yes please keep it positive for him. My daughter is the same she’s nearly 3 and is on and off with the potty. I praise her a lot when she goes on the potty but if she doesn’t it’s ok we don’t stress. They will learn in their own time Smile

Equalbutdifferent · 16/04/2022 00:23

Time to change your daycare.

negomi90 · 16/04/2022 00:23

Don't punish. But go back to active rewarding (bribes). When he gets it right, big fuss. If he responds to sticker charts then use them for getting it right. If he's having an accident soon after you've asked him, then instead of asking him, take him to the potty make him sit there to sing his favourite song (do something entertaining for a few minutes) and see if he goes. If he doesn't go, fine. But you've tried, and also got him into good habits of getting up to go regularly.

Don't punish, minimal attention for accidents. Don't make this a battle/control thing. Be extra positive and focus on rewarding what you want to see.

Original poster
UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 16/04/2022 00:24

Hahahahahahaha three posts and three very different views. Off to a great start. :p

Thanks for the food for thought though.

OP posts:
Forgottenmypasswordagain · 16/04/2022 00:27

@Equalbutdifferent

Time to change your daycare.
Yes.
BungleandGeorge · 16/04/2022 00:31

Don’t punish, I’d be horrified with that suggestion. I think 3-5 is a lot of accidents, even on day 1. If he’s ready it should be easier than you’re finding it

Kanaloa · 16/04/2022 00:31

There’s no point punishing, it won’t help - and daycare shouldn’t be suggesting you do.

What you should be doing is using your common sense. If he often wets himself while playing 10 mins after you asked him if he needs to go then stop asking. Just say ‘Jack, toilet time please.’ Then make him go and try regularly, until he gets into the habit of going independently.

I would also make sure getting changed is much more boring and awkward than going to the toilet. So put down all toys, go to the bathroom, and have him take off all his own clothes and wipe himself down etc, then sit on the toilet to make sure he doesn’t need to go again, then wash up the floor if he’s peed on that. Just basically make it so boring that it becomes easier and better for him to go when he’s asked.

Merrydance · 16/04/2022 00:31

He does sound like he has bladder control and at 3 he should have, but there should be no punishment. He is a normal 3 year old, who would prefer to carry on playing or whatever he is busy with, than taking the time out to go to the toilet. You need to use positive encouragement to use the toilet on a regular basis. Rather than asking him does he need to go or waiting for him to tell you have a routine to make sure he uses the toilet when you feel has been a while and he should need to go. Remember you are in charge he is 3 and you need to provide direction for him. Before you go out, he has to use the toilet before you settle down to a programme he wants to watch or an activity he needs to use the toilet first, or the activity can't happen. Make a game out of it, who will get to the bathroom first, etc. If there is an accident, just say never mind next time you will get to the toilet in time, but get him to help you change, put his clothes into the wash, so he realises it is probably easier to use the toilet than have to take time out from what he wants to do, to change etc. Make him believe he can do it and try not to show frustration, encouragement will go further than punsihment

Passmethecrisps · 16/04/2022 00:39

I absolutely wouldn’t punish. The fact that he could before and now does not suggests he needs to reconnect with the idea of it but he won’t do that by punishment.

My first developed dreadful toilet refusal when it came to pooing. That seemed to come from a single accident when she had been in pants for half a day but had already mastered peeing. The impact of that was vast and as such I wouldn’t underestimate how he might have processed the stomach bug and consequent accidents. He will do it with time and encouragement but not punishment

NuffSaidSam · 16/04/2022 00:39

Don't punish.

Do insist he goes to the toilet regularly i.e. don't ask him, let him say no and then have an accident 10 mins later. It's too early for that. Let him initiate as much as possible, but if it's clear he needs to go, take him.

Do as a pp suggested and get him to take the wet things off, put them in the wash, go and get clean ones, help clean up the mess. These are natural consequences of not using the toilet.

Don't give up. Don't put him back in nappies. This number of accidents is fine early on (particularly when mixed with success as well) and doesn't mean he isn't ready.

mathanxiety · 16/04/2022 00:57

Absolutely do not punish him.

Have him help you mop up any pee on the floor and put wet clothing in the laundry hamper or washing machine and then practice a script "I need to pee! I must drop what I'm doing and hurry to the loo!"

Then hurry there with him and he can pretend to pee, then you do a big high five. Do this practice run twice or even three times after each accident.

Be really cheerful about all of this.

Part of what you're dealing with is Busy Little Three Year Old Syndrome.

It's hard for them to interrupt an activity.

SierpinskiSquare · 16/04/2022 02:04

Ok, very controversial but I'd think about gently 'punishing' him. He is capable of using the potty but isn't doing so because he doesn't think it matters to you and because he'd rather play.

I potty trained my kids closer to two than three but one of them was less willing. It was obvious that he was capable of it so I told him he had to use the toilet, explained why and then when he didn't I was short with him ( no screaming or shouting but definite displeasure) It worked a treat.
You obviously can't be cross with them if they aren't capable of being potty trained but I don't understand why it's become so normal to be completely passive about how long a kid stays in happiest. It's very expensive, it's wasteful, it's unpleasant to deal with and, most importantly, it's unfair on the child. It's must be so much better and more comfortable for a kid once they are using a toilet (or potty)
I have four kids close in age and I was determined not to have more than one in nappies at a time. It didn't quite work out but I wasn't far out.

Ponderingwindow · 16/04/2022 02:17

What kind of medieval daycare provider have you chosen to care for your child?

Not only should you ignore that advice, you should seriously consider finding new child care.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 16/04/2022 02:29

@Threetulips

I would when dirty or wet lead him to the bathroom ask him to wait while you get clean clothes - do this slowly - don’t engage with him bar instructions to clean/undress/dress and take your time - he wants to play and this is timeout by the back door! He’ll get the message that using the toilet is much quicker than getting changed and it makes using the loo ‘worth while’
This.

I don’t like the idea of ‘punishing’ a young child but I wonder if the Nursery misspoke and had something like this in mind when they talked about ‘punishment’.

Sweepingeyelashes · 16/04/2022 02:33

My mother told my youngest that big boys shouldn't be in nappies. I'm not sure if it had much effect but as we went past the nappy section in supermarkets he'd hiss, "Big boys don't wear nappies". My son was about 3 when he suddenly got trained. I saw him go into the bathroom, do the business, wipe, flush and wash his hands. He was pretty much day trained ever after. I was ready to fall to my knees and thank whatever deity was responsible. I do recall some Buzz Lightyear underwear being something to wear when he was out of nappies and he did want that underwear. Is your son wearing stuff that he can get out of easily like trackpants rather than fiddling with zips or buttons? I assume you have a child seat on the loo which is in place for him and a step stool - for a big boy.

WildCoasts · 16/04/2022 02:35

I would definitely not punish. I would make sure that I took him for a clean up and clothes change every time though. He needs to be cleaned up anyway but, if he's ready, he may decide that it's more convenient to him to use the bathroom. It's a natural consequence that's not a punishment.

FabFitFifties · 16/04/2022 02:42

I wouldn't be leaving him in the care of your DGM. I am firmly in the reward and keep things positive camp.

avamiah · 16/04/2022 03:04

My daughter is 12 now but I always remember a similar thing happened when she was about 3.

I just put her back in pull ups for a few weeks and she soon told me she didn’t need them as she was a big girl.lol

Pull ups were amazing 🤣

HairyScaryMonster · 16/04/2022 07:06

I reward my dd for going when I asked her to without fuss, I tried to let her go herself, but when she started the wee wee wiggle or before we were going somewhere. She's still a nightmare at 4.5 and sometimes I just 'fly' her to the loo and say "let's see if the toilet thinks you've got a wee", wait for the trickle and "yes! See you did have one!". It's a pain.

Dd1 was late training and lots of accidents. I got her involved in getting changed, and as pp said, I was slow about it, wipe down legs, getting new clothes etc. Talking about how you could be playing right now. Next time though you'll go right!

My second DD is 4.5 and still

MamaTutu2 · 16/04/2022 07:13

We don’t punish at all but once they’d cracked it, we made a point of commenting Oh No, Wee or Poo on our floor, wee wees go in the toilet, sometimes in an unimpressed voice if they’d ignored the need to go play. They were never distressed by this but it helped reinforce the message this isn’t what we do.

Templeblossom · 16/04/2022 07:47

@Merrydance

He does sound like he has bladder control and at 3 he should have, but there should be no punishment. He is a normal 3 year old, who would prefer to carry on playing or whatever he is busy with, than taking the time out to go to the toilet. You need to use positive encouragement to use the toilet on a regular basis. Rather than asking him does he need to go or waiting for him to tell you have a routine to make sure he uses the toilet when you feel has been a while and he should need to go. Remember you are in charge he is 3 and you need to provide direction for him. Before you go out, he has to use the toilet before you settle down to a programme he wants to watch or an activity he needs to use the toilet first, or the activity can't happen. Make a game out of it, who will get to the bathroom first, etc. If there is an accident, just say never mind next time you will get to the toilet in time, but get him to help you change, put his clothes into the wash, so he realises it is probably easier to use the toilet than have to take time out from what he wants to do, to change etc. Make him believe he can do it and try not to show frustration, encouragement will go further than punsihment
Totally agree with this. Hes 3 ! Of course he will say no and carry on playing. So take him at regular intervals. Snack time, lunch, dinner -wee and wash hands.
Giraffesandbottoms · 16/04/2022 07:52

Absolutely do not punish - all you will do is create a negative association with the loo. That won’t help with training and it will cause problems long term.

Don’t just stick him on the loo every 10 minutes either - that means they don’t get to feel how it feels to need to go properly.

Sometimes they just don’t care because they are playing etc. as he’s 3 I would try sitting down and discussing with him the importance/what he wants to happen/getting him excited about his big boy pants and upping the praise and the bribes.

If he’s not there in another 3 days I would table it and try again in a few months. When they are really ready it takes a couple of days at most!