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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Blindsided by Disney Dad

49 replies

InnerRageNeedsCalming · 15/04/2022 22:37

I’ve been separated from my DD (6yo) dad for 3 years. He’s an alcoholic pothead with diagnosed personality disorder.
Today he announced he asked my DD to go watch her at gymnastics in the morning and she said yaaaay. He expects a lift there.
I know I’m being unreasonable but I need to vent. I don’t want him there. I don’t want him involved in this. I am my DDs “assistant” in these classes as she has ASD and can’t complete the activities without 1:1 help. I don’t want him watching, judging, making catty comments afterwards, belittling any successes, scoffing or any other shite like he’s pulled before.
I do my best to accommodate their necessary relationship, providing supervised contact every weekend while gritting my teeth when he’s being an arse.
I’m just venting here. I want him to duck off and leave me alone. He’s never interested in anything we’re doing apart from when he can look good, like the doting father he isn’t.
But I know I’ll have to be all yaaaay for my daughter when inside I’m gonna be crying at being watched and judged.
How can I get through it? Do I just have to think solely of my girl and nothing of him? Ignore any digs he plays afterwards? And how can I prevent this happening again?

OP posts:

LeavesOnTrees · 15/04/2022 22:49

You say he expects a lift there.
I'd let him make his own way to the class.

BrightonBunny · 15/04/2022 22:59

Don't give him a lift - why would you?

StripeyDeckchair · 15/04/2022 23:09

Don't even raise the issue of how he'll get there, he's expecting you to offer a lift. Don't. Go as per usual.

If he aactually sks for a lift say "no sorry, we've got plans" no further explanation.

Original poster

InnerRageNeedsCalming · 15/04/2022 23:17

The lift thing is because he lost his licence drink driving a year ago and I’m a total mug. He’s been abusive before and even though we’re separated he has a lot of control as I’m scared to go against him and his ‘projects’. He can get horribly manipulative and is very sly and lies almost all the time. I want to cut ties with him but can’t due to DD and her right to have a relationship with him. It’s all a horrid mess. I think I’ll have to go through with this just this I once and then try to be stronger and say No. I want to go further and just arrange every other weekend visits but I know he’ll get really horrible then. I don’t know if I have the strength (or money) to get that sorted. He’s the type who will go in for the win regardless of who he hurts in the process. He’d be ruthless and vindictive and play every card in the book.

OP posts:

Longdistance · 15/04/2022 23:17

Give him a number of a taxi service. You’re not a taxi 🤷🏼‍♀️

Belkell · 15/04/2022 23:24

I think I’ll have to go through with this just this I once and then try to be stronger and say No

Er. It’ll be HARDER to say no after a yes. You’ll get all the whining..You did it say week, why not this week.

Much easier to set a boundary from the outset.

Stay strong. You got this.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2022 23:26

Then don’t be a mug.

If he wants to come he can get the bus.

It sounds like the less you let him twist you round his finger the better. He’ll go off snd torture someone else.

AHungryCaterpillar · 15/04/2022 23:29

Why can’t he get the bus or train? I don’t get this mind set from drivers plenty of people don’t drive he obviously travels around still without a car so could travel to the place himself?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2022 23:31

Stop being such a mug. He only has control over you because you allow it. Just stop already. He's only in your life because he gets off on controlling you. Take that control away and you'll probably never see him again.

LittleOwl153 · 15/04/2022 23:32

Be strong. Let this NO be the start of your real separation. You can do this for DD.

Do you have to supervise his visits with her or does he take her solo? If its solo then he needs to do things in his own time if it's supervised can you possibly find a different supervisor?

It's hard to separate from an abuser - and you are still very much attached by the sound of things. You need to heavily reduce your contact with him. Make it handovers only - if you have to do that - ideally find someone else for a while at least to give you some separation.

You don't need to hear about his projects let alone be involved in them. Don't answer the phone to him unless he has your dd, don't respond to any unnecessary texts emails or whatever. Just give yourself the space separation from your abuser entitles you to!

PurpleNebula84 · 15/04/2022 23:34

Hi ex,
I'm afraid I can't fit in facilitating a lift to Dd's gymnastics on X date. It is already difficult getting DD ready in time, and I can't upset the routine we alrrady have, especially considering her extra needs. If you get a taxi there in time for the start, she will be over the moon that you made it for her.
You can basically say anything similar to the above and put it on him to get himself there.
It is not your responsibility.

RandomMess · 15/04/2022 23:38

All you do is agree contact EOW, if he takes you to court that's what he'll be offered plus mid week overnights and 50% of school's holidays.

He could say he wants 50:50, you day "yes great, week one week off" and he'll run a mile.

What hold does he have over you?

DrSbaitso · 16/04/2022 08:28

If he's that dedicated, he'll find his own way there. You're not stopping him, you're just not acting as his chauffeur.

Trainbear · 16/04/2022 08:34

Does he pay child support? I think we know the answer to that.

GooglyEyeballs · 16/04/2022 08:54

I think I’ll have to go through with this just this I once and then try to be stronger and say No

Or be strong the first time round and say no now? It's difficult to be sympathetic when it's very clear from your posts that giving him a lift is not a good decision.

AngelinaFibres · 16/04/2022 08:55

@Aquamarine1029

This. Manipulators only get away with this behaviour because they find weak people who won't stand up to them. You need to stand up straight abd start saying no. He can go if he wants but he makes his own way there. Children's classes in anything aren't very exciting. He is only coming because it makes you feel uncomfortable. He won't go again. Try the grey rock method of coping . I use it with my mother. It is very useful.

Candleabra · 16/04/2022 08:57

Be strong. Say no.
I know it’s hard, but you’ll be seething inside all day if you give him a lift.

Porcupineintherough · 16/04/2022 08:59

@Aquamarine1029

This^

Bunce1 · 16/04/2022 09:00

How do you communicate?

I would leave everything to email or text. So DO NOT answer his calls and just repeat the same response.

DDs gym is at xx place and time. If you want to watch the session you must contact the gym manager to arrange directly on xxx number.

any questions or deviations from this you just repeat the same message with the this addition-

As I said in my previous message….

If you need to discuss something different pertaining to DD then please send a new message. However the Mather of the gym session requires no further discussion.

Then ignore him.

Boundaries. Build them and keep them.

Jedsnewstar · 16/04/2022 09:04

Don’t give him a lift. Stop letting him control you.

Theeyeballsinthefuckingsky · 16/04/2022 09:04

I’m baffled you even think it’s your job to get him there!! He’s a grown man - he can find his own flipping way there. You give him a lift this time Abd before You know it you’ll be running him everywhere. Just don’t even entertain a conversation about it

Flickflak · 16/04/2022 09:55

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

FairyCakeWings · 16/04/2022 10:04

Is there anyone at the dance thing that you could ask for a lift from yourself, then you have an easy excuse not to take your ex?

Hoppinggreen · 16/04/2022 10:06

This is your opportunity to draw a line in the sand and set the boundaries for your relationship (or lack of) for the rest of your life
If you give him a lift “just this once” (it won’t be) then you are telling him you will always be there to facilitate his shit
Tell him when and where and leave him to it

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 16/04/2022 10:12

When I first separated I allowed my nasty XDH to keep controlling me - so I know how you feel about wanting to avoid the scenes and conflict.

But I gradually started saying no, grey rock etc etc and standing up for myself and it massively improved my self esteem. It was a virtuous circle. And now I wish I’d stood up for myself sooner.

So tell him he’ll welcome to watch but he has to get himself to the venue. Anticipate the worst thing that could happen as a result (I’m guessing he might say to dd that it’s mummy’s fault he couldn’t watch her - have and answer ready) so you’re not blindsided.

Also have a grey rock response for anything nasty he says to you or about you - something you can trot out and repeat. (With the benefit of hindsight I realise my mum used to do this with my XDH, who she never liked - “I’m sure you’re right” said in a neutral tone while looking away from him.).

It’s so hard Sharing kids with someone who has controlled you and /or is an arsehole but really, it’s worth working through. You did the big thing and broke up,with him, now work on completing the job.

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