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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Blindsided by Disney Dad

49 replies

InnerRageNeedsCalming · 15/04/2022 22:37

I’ve been separated from my DD (6yo) dad for 3 years. He’s an alcoholic pothead with diagnosed personality disorder.
Today he announced he asked my DD to go watch her at gymnastics in the morning and she said yaaaay. He expects a lift there.
I know I’m being unreasonable but I need to vent. I don’t want him there. I don’t want him involved in this. I am my DDs “assistant” in these classes as she has ASD and can’t complete the activities without 1:1 help. I don’t want him watching, judging, making catty comments afterwards, belittling any successes, scoffing or any other shite like he’s pulled before.
I do my best to accommodate their necessary relationship, providing supervised contact every weekend while gritting my teeth when he’s being an arse.
I’m just venting here. I want him to duck off and leave me alone. He’s never interested in anything we’re doing apart from when he can look good, like the doting father he isn’t.
But I know I’ll have to be all yaaaay for my daughter when inside I’m gonna be crying at being watched and judged.
How can I get through it? Do I just have to think solely of my girl and nothing of him? Ignore any digs he plays afterwards? And how can I prevent this happening again?

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 16/04/2022 10:42

Are you really blindsided, OP? Is this behaviour out of character?

Blanca87 · 16/04/2022 10:55

Grow some fanny baws and tell him if he wants to come he needs to make his way there. This is the time for your boundaries to shine.

BriocheForBreakfast · 16/04/2022 11:00

No you can't give him a lift, it's very inconvenient. Once you've done it once he'll expect it again (and again). You're not there to facilitate his life. He can get a bus.

poetryandwine · 16/04/2022 11:04

OP,

I don’t know whether you gave him a lift today but I do know that it will never get easier to start asserting yourself. For the sake of your MH and your self respect you really need to do that now,

Your ex sounds like a low level bully. He may surprise you and give up more quickly than you expect. If he doesn’t, the women of MN are here to help, including with strategies to keep him from turning your DD against you

WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone · 16/04/2022 11:29

People like this always take the piss and will take smile if you give them an inch.

He’d be receiving radio silence from me.

Does he know where the gymnastics class is held?

WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone · 16/04/2022 11:30

*take a mile

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 16/04/2022 12:04

"Hi Ex. The gymnastics competition is at x place on y date at x o clock. Dd is looking forward to seeing you there."

LaingsAcidTab · 16/04/2022 12:05

As gently - but bloody firmly - as possible: stop it, OP. Stop enabling. Stop engaging with the abuse. Step back, extricate yourself, get therapy, get on with life.

Sally872 · 16/04/2022 12:30

Someone asked why you need to give a lift and you answer is because he is horrible. That is not a reason. Yes he can come, but you can't drive him. Hopefully he won't bother.

Porcupineintherough · 16/04/2022 12:38

Him being abusive and horrible is a reason not to give him a lift. As for you dd's "right" to a relationship with him, that doesnt mean you have to facilitate it beyond making her available at the agreed times/dates. You don't have to make it easy for him, and if he's as awful as you say then you actively shouldn't.

billy1966 · 16/04/2022 12:49

@LeavesOnTrees

You say he expects a lift there. I'd let him make his own way to the class.

This.

No way would he be in my car.

PlasticineMeg · 16/04/2022 12:50

Fuck him

And use COVID as an excuse “They only allow 1 parent”. He sounds like a Disney Dad controlling prick.

PonyPatter44 · 16/04/2022 12:53

@Bunce1

How do you communicate?

I would leave everything to email or text. So DO NOT answer his calls and just repeat the same response.

DDs gym is at xx place and time. If you want to watch the session you must contact the gym manager to arrange directly on xxx number.

any questions or deviations from this you just repeat the same message with the this addition-

As I said in my previous message….

If you need to discuss something different pertaining to DD then please send a new message. However the Mather of the gym session requires no further discussion.

Then ignore him.

Boundaries. Build them and keep them.

This is a fantastic response. Please, please listen to Bunce, OP. She has given you an ideal template response to deal with that fool.

IncompleteSenten · 16/04/2022 12:54

It's harder not easier to say no if you've said yes before.

Maybe this lift is him planning to start getting you to drive him round. He starts with a lift you will find very hard to decline then once he's had that lift off you, he'll need a favour. Then another one. Then if you're heading to... Then could you...

I would deflate my tyre and claim a puncture if I was too scared to say no rather than let him start the process of turning me into his taxi.

humblesims · 16/04/2022 12:55

He’d be ruthless and vindictive and play every card in the book

He's an 'alchoholic pot head'...he hasnt got many cards. The only control he has over you is the control you allow him.

Notimeforaname · 16/04/2022 12:59

You just dont drive him. He makes his own way. That is all.

frazzledasarock · 16/04/2022 13:00

Ignore him and don’t give him a lift. He can only impose on you if you agree to it.

Stop helping him at all.

If he asks ignore his messages don’t bother taking any phone calls from him.

He can make his own way there if he wants to watch her.

Thoosa · 16/04/2022 13:05

He’s been abusive before and even though we’re separated he has a lot of control as I’m scared to go against him and his ‘projects’. He can get horribly manipulative and is very sly and lies almost all the time. I want to cut ties with him but can’t due to DD and her right to have a relationship with him. It’s all a horrid mess. I think I’ll have to go through with this just this I once and then try to be stronger and say No.

If your DD’s “right to a relationship” with her father means you are regularly being manipulated, gaslit and abused, then this is not an arrangement or a dynamic that is benefiting her or will benefit as she grows and becomes more away of how “off” things are.

Modelling healthy relationships is just as important as facilitating contact, especially as she is autistic.

You might need to redraw the boundaries and reconsider what form contact should take.

ThisUserIsNamed · 16/04/2022 13:14

Tell him you can't give him a lift.
You won't have time to stop along the way, you're straight off to somewhere else after so can't pick up/ drop off.

If he's trying determined to go, he'll pay for a taxi.

YoBeaches · 16/04/2022 13:31

He's not really a Disney dad is he.....

It's his responsibility to have a relationship with his daughter.

If he's not able to manage that as a grown man, so be it. If he wants to go and watch her then he has to make his own way.

Don't be fooled that your daughter will thank you for sustaining his bullshit in your lives.

FOJN · 16/04/2022 13:44

OP you don't want him there because you think he will be horrible about your daughter and yet you don't want to refuse a lift because he will be horrible.

If he always horrible why do you believe anything you do will change that?

Momijin · 16/04/2022 13:48

Hi op. Do not give him a lift. Do not facilitate anything. It is up to him to make the effort needed to see his kid and not you

LookItsMeAgain · 16/04/2022 14:51

Say "Sure, you can be at DD's gymnastics. We won't be able to give you a lift there. You'll have to make your own way there, being the adult and parent that you are. You're also there to support DD not to make any disparaging comments about anyone else or about DD, understood?"

So it's not an outright "No you can't come" but more of a "You can come if you can be arsed to make it there under your own steam" kind of response.

He is an adult and it is NOT your responsibility to get him to and from anything, even something that you are going to be at the same location/event/venue at the same time. No longer your responsibility.

LatteLady · 16/04/2022 15:21

OP you need to get in touch with your inner Eleanor Roosevelt. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

This is so true, and expecially for you. You are no longer with this chap, you now lead your own life and, you and your daughter can be and should be happy. So no lifts, he is an adult and if he wants to be there, he can find a way, but the OP taxi service is no longer available.

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