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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH does too much around the house.

30 replies

folly115 · 15/04/2022 20:27

So does anyone else have a husband that does TOO MUCH around the house/garden? I am yet to meet anyone in real life who has this problem. My friends think he is the best husband ever as their partners have to be asked 1000 times to do anything to do with the house!

He is burning himself out from doing too much. He doesn't stop he enjoys it - in fact he is never happier than when cleaning. hoovering, gardening, making the house and garden immaculate. But come 7pm he is absolutely exhausted he is really grumpy refuses to talk to the kids and dinnertimes -as they have been for 15 yrs - are so stressful because he wants peace and quiet after his busy day. He then showers and goes to bed at 9pm but now the kids are teens he gets really cross as they keep him awake.

He says we dont appreciate all he does for us. If it wasn;t for him we would live in a tip. But we wouldn't we would live in a normal lived in house. I suggested going out for lunch tomorrow and he listed all the jobs HE has do tomorrow, - change the washer on a tap, iron the shirts that have come off the line today, paint the wall in the small bathroom as there are finger marks, wash and shine the 4 bikes, trim the front hedge and go to B and Q to buy more shit he needs to do these jobs.

None of these are important jobs but to him they are vital. I know most people will say I am so lucky having him do all these jobs without moaning but I would love a day out altogether. When we do go out for a meal or a walk he is always thinking what has to be done at home.

He never watches TV or socialises but he says it isn't because he doesn't want to. He says he physically doesn't have the time and because I would rather go out or do something out of the house when not at work that is why there is always so much to do.

Omg as I am writing this he has decided that the fridge needs cleaning! before he goes to bed!!!

Surely this isnt normal!!!

Something dawned on me today yesterday at dinner - because since the kids were born we have canrarely eat dinner together because it is so stressful as my DH is always grumpy and tired.

OP posts:

Bunnybingesoneggs · 15/04/2022 20:30

A martyr then?
Leave him to His Important Jobs and take the dc out...
If he groans just leave the room without hearing....
Sounds draining.

justforthisnow · 15/04/2022 20:32

I know a woman married to someone like this, constantly doing things around the house, he has a workshop in the house, and lives pretty much in the garden also. Pizza oven, greenhouse, constant planting, making, away from them lots. My theory is he doesnt want to be near either her or their 3 children. He works also, and travels a lot for work (to USA). He rarely sees them.

LividLaVidaLoca · 15/04/2022 20:33

I have one of these.

It deffo has its own challenges. I suspect autistic traits in mine, perhaps related? Honestly I’d love it if he just left the washing for five minutes sometimes and chilled the fuck out.

AmbushedByCake · 15/04/2022 20:34

BIL was a bit like that and refused to listen to exSIL when she objected. Note, ex SIL.

ReadyToMoveIt · 15/04/2022 20:34

That sounds exhausting OP. For you, I mean!

Original poster

folly115 · 15/04/2022 20:37

@LividLaVidaLoca

I have one of these.

It deffo has its own challenges. I suspect autistic traits in mine, perhaps related? Honestly I’d love it if he just left the washing for five minutes sometimes and chilled the fuck out.

I am convinced my DH is autistic. My DH is obsessed with the washing as well - he has been known to drive home from work to get the washing in if it starts raining and it is on the line!!!!

OP posts:

Lizziekisss · 15/04/2022 20:41

I wonder if there is some sort of anxiety going on, on his part. Housework can always fill as much time as you want to give to it. It seems like he needs to have control over his environment, and lacks the ability to relax. What you can do about it, sorry I have no idea. Has he always been like this?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 15/04/2022 20:41

Can you convince him that he needs to get the teens to do some of the chores so they know what to do when older?

itsgettingweird · 15/04/2022 20:44

I was going to suggest he could have OCD or something similar.

This isn't just someone who wants to do stuff and who likes to clean - but someone who's so obsessed with doing jobs it's impacting theirs, and their families lives.

The problem will be getting him to see it's an issue and if he doesn't then he probably won't agree to seek some support via a psychologist or someone.

Reluctantadult · 15/04/2022 20:48

Would it help to have a look at the organised mum method. TOMM. She started it off because she was manic with cleaning almost, as a way of deflecting while suffering post natal depression.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2022 20:53

It’s some sort of compulsive behaviour - a way to control anxiety or avoid interaction.

If it’s impacting on family life he does need to seek help, but it might be hard to get him to see this.

Has he always been like this? Is he aware you are unhappy?

Original poster

folly115 · 15/04/2022 20:58

He has always been the same. I remember the first time going to his flat when we first started going out. It was so immaculate and he had ironed bed sheets - didn't even know was a thing until I met him. When we moved in together it was great because he had his own routine and he was so happy doing all the housework - we only had a flat to start with so no outside or garden jobs to do so we would go out and do things because there are only a certain amount of housework and jobs that need doing in a 2 bed flat. We bought a house when our DD was 14 months and he thought all his christmas's had come at once as we had a garden so he started to withdraw from doing things with us as now there was a garden to keep up as well and when we moved to a 3 bed detached house with a shed there was even more to do to keep the house and garden up together.

He doesn't relax ever. On holiday he even finds it hard to relax - he will never sit around a pool or on the beach - he will usually find something to clean or sort within our accommodation.

OP posts:

godmum56 · 15/04/2022 21:02

rent him out

BadNomad · 15/04/2022 21:22

Is your PIL the same? I have a friend like this. She can't ever relax. There is always something that needs doing. It's some obsessive perfectionist trait her mum has too. (Her husband dreads days off work because she'll have a list of DIY jobs for him to do right now.)

FlyingPandas · 15/04/2022 21:44

@Luredbyapomegranate

It’s some sort of compulsive behaviour - a way to control anxiety or avoid interaction.

If it’s impacting on family life he does need to seek help, but it might be hard to get him to see this.

Has he always been like this? Is he aware you are unhappy?

I agree with this OP because tbh I recognise some similar traits in myself. Not as extreme, but some of what you have written rings bells for me.

I definitely have some compulsive traits and use, for example, household tasks such as tidying or washing to manage my anxiety. I often joke that I 'tidy up to calm down' and whilst I can and do relax, it's generally only when I've completed the various tasks I have allocated myself for the day.

Your DH does sound very extreme though and YADNBU to be frustrated and sad about it. Would he be open to considering some kind of help or therapy do you think?

MyCatIsAJerk · 15/04/2022 21:49

My ex was a pilot — gone 95% of the time.

I did 100% of the housework, yard work, absolutely everything.

One night when he was home I changed into a tiny nightie & then remembered I’d forgotten to set the bins out by the road.
Asked (fully dressed) ex to please do it, just this once. HE REFUSED, & continued playing his very stupid computer games.
I had to get dressed, just to put the bins out,
Bastard.
I might have enjoyed a DH who did things around the house — at least for awhile or even occasionally.

Gagaandgag · 15/04/2022 21:51

I think you are right to consider autism and ocd here x

Franklyfrost · 15/04/2022 21:59

He could be permanently depressed: the feeling of constant overwhelm and failure, anxiety at the number of things to do which will only increase if you stop, no ability for making time for pleasure because no self esteem to allow interests outside of serving others etc.

ColumboOnTheCase · 15/04/2022 22:06

Crikey, I thought I was the only one married to somebody like this. My DH's obsessions are the garden, cooking, washing and servicing the car, cleaning out freezer, food shopping and the list goes on. Similarly family will say I'm so lucky but by the sad side to this is he rarely spends time with the kids. It's become so bad that on the rare occasions we do something as a family he is often left out of conversations, because they have very little in common.

If we go on self catering holidays... he will busy himself sourcing ingredients and sorting out all the meals. What makes it worse is the more he does, the less I seem to do.

picklemewalnuts · 15/04/2022 22:08

Can you get him to add family things to his list? That worked for me.
He needed a very rational explanation- I can pay other people to do the cleaning, I can do lots of the chores myself... the only way to have a family supper/game/outing is if you come and sit with us, chat and be sociable.

I can't pay someone else to be their dad, my husband.

Goldie2021 · 15/04/2022 22:09

Honestly this was me. I grew up in a very abusive/unstable environment which in turn causes me to try and control/have order in my adult life as much as possible. I have really had to work on it over the years. It’s especially harder now with having a baby and I sometimes feel so overwhelmed by my “list” but I try and remember the coping mechanisms my psychologist taught me.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 15/04/2022 22:18

Yes my DH is like this, it’s definitely some kind of anxiety/ocd thing, with some kind of asd element. he’s been a lot better since he’s had some therapy and started antidepressants. It’s like he’s calmer and doesn’t need everything quite so perfectly in order. I can tell when he’s struggling again because he stops resting and everything stresses him out again.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 15/04/2022 22:19

Is there (and I’m thinking yes) a very clear structure to what he is doing, or is he just constantly looking for things to fix and clean?
If there’s a “timetable” of sorts, can you schedule in a couple of hours for him to have family time or take the kids out or something. When your kids are older they will remember dad taking them to the stream to go fishing for a couple of hours more than dad repainting a wall in the bathroom…

Howmuchwood · 15/04/2022 22:27

Would he accept a time limit? Say 2 hours a day, so there is still family time but he can't say he doesn't have enough time to stay on top of it all? Would your DC join him? Would he enjoy teaching them some handiwork skills? My dad taught me to paint, wallpaper etc and I loved spending that time with him

AntarcticOwl · 15/04/2022 22:28

Sounds like some ocd or control issues there. We live in a tip!

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