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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't co parenting?!?!

39 replies

cactusoil · 15/04/2022 18:35

DD's dad was meant to have her today, I didn't get a call until 4pm when he had just woken up. He works away and lives with his mum when he's back. He said he was tired and wasn't feeling well, I said are you sure you want to have her tonight? He said yes and turned up around 5, he then asked to use my shower (no hot water at his mums) so I said yes fine. After his shower he said did I mind if he didn't have her, I said why did you bother coming here then? He said he had only just thought about it.

After a lot of deliberation, he finally agreed to take her. 20 minutes later I get a phone call, she's being naughty, he's popped out and left her in the house with the iPad while his mum is mowing the lawn!!!. What should she have for dinner there isn't anything at home etc, I got wound up and I said what do you want ME to do about it?!

Even when I have a break it's not a break, constant phone calls and questions, hourly updates and FaceTimes. I'm in the middle of moving so I've been packing and looking after her and I too am a little run down.

Even on his way out the door he sighed and said I could have done without having her tonight. I said I wish I got to pick and choose when I felt like being a parent.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 15/04/2022 18:38

He's clearly a complete arse but I don't imagine there's much you can do about it except set clear boundaries. And he glad he's your ex?!

Teacupsandtoast · 15/04/2022 18:38

Stop letting him away with this shit. He collects her at a set time and returns her at a set time. He takes care of her in between times. He only calls in emergencies, you are not to be contacted incessantly. Your poor daughter having her dad come round then say actually he cant be bothered

MrsTWH · 15/04/2022 18:39

YADNBU!!

Boscoforever · 15/04/2022 18:40

Oh my god.
What a completely useless article.
Could you message him in writing, calmly, take your time over the email, and explain what being a parent involves?
How he is a father now. With responsibilities. That children change things etc.
Maybe he genuinely is this thick? How old is your DD and what was he like when you were together? I'm guessing useless!
If my son was like this I'd read him the riot act!!

Boscoforever · 15/04/2022 18:41

Fair dues to you for not going ballistic at him before this OP. You're a saint.

Vsirbdo · 15/04/2022 18:41

It sounds like he only came round to use your shower to be honest then hoped to not have your DD.
I’d stop answering his calls while he has her; tell him you’ll be busy and only call if it’s an emergency or that you might not have good signal where you’ll be so just to text you rather than call and only respond if it’s an emergency

bananatwain · 15/04/2022 18:41

Get him on a parenting course and withold contact as he can't even feed his own child. Pathetic.

dottymac · 15/04/2022 18:43

Ooft, your poor kid having a deadbeat for a dad 😞 he clearly just came to yours for a hot shower. Doesn't he miss his child when he is away? It's alien to me that he could feel unbothered. And frustrating for you, dealing with his incompetence. I don't have any suggestions but definitely yanbu, and you sound like a lovely mum so take comfort in the fact you have a close relationship with your child, and in years to come, when he regrets his ineptitude and comes scrounging around for a relationship with her, she can send him packing with his tail between his legs. 💪

Original poster
cactusoil · 15/04/2022 18:49

He used to pick her up at 5pm on a Friday, then drop her at 5pm Sunday, every weekend. Then he changed jobs so he is back only when he can get the time off.

I've been very understanding when he's just driven 4-5 hours and is too tired to collect her.

But he has been in bed all day, only worked 3 days this week, and had 3 days off last weekend.

It's definitely gotten worse, he has made a rod for his own back as he always bribes her with sweets and presents so now anytime she goes there she expects sweets all the time, and throws a tantrum when she doesn't get them.

I probably should have said she can just stay with me tonight, I didn't think it would be that much of an issue, I'm in an upstairs flat and he has a huge house surrounded by fields, she has a trampoline and everything there. I didn't leave the house today and focused on packing because I knew she was going to his.

I can't wait until the new house, it's 45 mins away from where we are now and it's a HOUSE with a GARDEN!! So this kind of indecisiveness about having her won't happen. Hopefully.

OP posts:
Wimbunds · 15/04/2022 18:52

Are you responding to the constant phone calls etc? You don't have to. Tell him if there's an emergency you'll read messages and see, but ignore everything else.

Original poster
cactusoil · 15/04/2022 18:54

@Wimbunds Yes because many occasions it's because she is crying for me. I can never fully relax when she's with him so anytime he calls I get worried and almost have to answer to make sure she's ok.

There have also been a number of occasions she cried for me that much he's brought her home late at night.

OP posts:
Teacupsandtoast · 15/04/2022 18:57

How old is she?

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 15/04/2022 18:59

He is a useless sack of shit. No argument here. You need firm boundaries with him though. That means a clear schedule of the contact arrangements which you both stick to.

Stop replying to his messages unless you have to. Ignore them if they’re not important.

And don’t let him use your shower and stuff. If he can’t shower at home that’s his problem. Don’t let him make his problems yours.

Wimbunds · 15/04/2022 19:02

Ah that sounds tough. What an arse.

EllaB22 · 15/04/2022 19:33

That sounds tough, you can never just switch off even when DD is with him.

CircusBaby · 15/04/2022 19:56

Sounds exactly like my exh. Constant calls about this that and the other.

Phineyj · 15/04/2022 20:11

Thing is, a decent parent wouldn't have made that job change, would they? You couldn't have.

Maybe you can use the house move as a hard reset. And book a weekend away/day out the first couple of times he has her after that. Take a friend and give her your phone to look after. If it's a genuine emergency she can tell you.

Stylishkidintheriot · 15/04/2022 20:14

Why oh why are there so many men who think parenting is optional???!!!!!

Original poster
cactusoil · 15/04/2022 20:39

@Stylishkidintheriot
That's exactly what I said to him! Must be amazing to wake up and think hmm I have a cold so perhaps I shan't look after my child today.

OP posts:
Name99 · 15/04/2022 20:44

What a pathetic speciman of a man, I thought my ex was bad buy this guy takes the crown for most useless father

ratsratsratsagain · 15/04/2022 20:50

cactusoil you have my sympathy.
My ex dh is very similar. Just lately he's been unavailable to have our 3 children for alternate weekends as our usual plan as he's arranged long weekends away with his girlfriend.
It's so frustrating having to be the sensible parent who is steady and reliable 24/7 every day because the other parent is flakey, disorganised, selfish and likes to opt in and out of parenting.
It's easy to say just go away for the weekend or switch your phone off but in my experience that's very hard to do as underpinning everything is the well-being of your child(ren) and responsable parents never stop being a parent even when our child(ren) aren't physically with us.

CasperGutman · 15/04/2022 20:54

YANBU. What a complete arse.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/04/2022 21:02

Dickhead
I’d set some firm boundaries.
Never let him in your house for any reason.

Pick up at specific time and drop off at specific time. No contact with him when DD is with you
Try being less available to answer your phone when DD is with him. I realise that this probably goes against all your maternal instincts but he will never learn if he always falls back on you. Start small. Tell him when he collects her that you won’t be available from 10-2 Then increase as time goes on.

Good luck with the move. It sounds fab!!

Stylishkidintheriot · 15/04/2022 21:21

@cactusoil if it makes you feel any better at all, it sounds like there are lots of other men out there who seem to have the same idea. A few of my friends also had babies with such men. Funny enough, my friends still needed to parent when poorly

CircusBaby · 15/04/2022 21:29

Mine will cancel at the last minute for no reason, say he's too tired to have them, have them then say he needs to bring them home for xyz reason.. the list goes on. I don't have a solution for you. The bottom line is we can't force them to take responsibility and parent properly. It's utterly rubbish.

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