This isn't co parenting?!?!

[cactusoil]

DD's dad was meant to have her today, I didn't get a call until 4pm when he had just woken up. He works away and lives with his mum when he's back. He said he was tired and wasn't feeling well, I said are you sure you want to have her tonight? He said yes and turned up around 5, he then asked to use my shower (no hot water at his mums) so I said yes fine. After his shower he said did I mind if he didn't have her, I said why did you bother coming here then? He said he had only just thought about it.

After a lot of deliberation, he finally agreed to take her. 20 minutes later I get a phone call, she's being naughty, he's popped out and left her in the house with the iPad while his mum is mowing the lawn!!!. What should she have for dinner there isn't anything at home etc, I got wound up and I said what do you want ME to do about it?!

Even when I have a break it's not a break, constant phone calls and questions, hourly updates and FaceTimes. I'm in the middle of moving so I've been packing and looking after her and I too am a little run down.

Even on his way out the door he sighed and said I could have done without having her tonight. I said I wish I got to pick and choose when I felt like being a parent.

Am I being unreasonable?

I hope she is young enough not to understand what he says ? Send clear text and email that Drop off and pick up at set times and if he is working he arranges childcare like you would

no excuses for sickness ( if he is unwell he arranges. Help ) and be clear you only want to be contacted if she is on her way to A and E

Could you switch your phone off when he has her, and designate someone else (a family member?) as an emergency contact? Then if there's an actual emergency they can get in touch with you, otherwise you don't need to know about it!

Although it’s not really her business I’m thinking if he’s living with his DM what’s she got to say about it all? Is she really not going to have anything in when her grandchild is coming, for instance?

All I can think is how your DD must feel when he’s sighing and whinging about having her. No wonder she’s ‘naughty’ for him, poor kid must feel so unwanted. He sounds like a pathetic, selfish man child. No hot water, no food in for his daughter?!! The fuck? Imagine if, when he brought your DC home at the expected time that, you started moaning that you didn’t have these basic needs for your DD. I’m sure he’d have something to say about that! He needs to grow the fuck up and take his fatherly responsibilities seriously. Selfish prick.

@Clarinet1
She is the one who makes her dinner and breakfast etc, many times he will stay in bed while his DM keeps an eye on her, reluctantly might I add.

He's gone out all night on the lash and left my daughter with his mum. Then stayed in bed all day.

He's a useless father, so many times he's turned up without a car seat etc.

When DD is dropped off after staying there she has mould growing from her teeth, thousands of knots in her hair, and absolutely stinks. She will have the same hairstyle I sent her there with 2 days prior.

Even when his DM has her, she dropped her off once dressed up to the nines, and my daughter looked like some feral child, I had to go to the public toilets to sort her out as we had met in town.

She had mould growing from her teeth?!!!

Mould doesn't grow on teeth

Sorry, what? She might not have brushed her teeth for two days, but mould wouldn't have grown. That's not a thing.

It sounds like he's a crap dad, but you're rather over-egging the pudding with that statement.

So he basically came to yours to have a shower and get ready for a night out in the piss, and had no true intention of having his daughter.

What a total failure he is.

[quote cactusoil]@Clarinet1
She is the one who makes her dinner and breakfast etc, many times he will stay in bed while his DM keeps an eye on her, reluctantly might I add.

He's gone out all night on the lash and left my daughter with his mum. Then stayed in bed all day.

He's a useless father, so many times he's turned up without a car seat etc.

When DD is dropped off after staying there she has mould growing from her teeth, thousands of knots in her hair, and absolutely stinks. She will have the same hairstyle I sent her there with 2 days prior.

Even when his DM has her, she dropped her off once dressed up to the nines, and my daughter looked like some feral child, I had to go to the public toilets to sort her out as we had met in town.

[/quote]
While any parent might want a child to spend time with their grandchildren, if they are not providing reasonable care between them perhaps you should go through
official channels to change things and ensure your child is safe, comfortable and happy.

Obviously she didn't have actual mould growing from her teeth

I've been very understanding when he's just driven 4-5 hours and is too tired to collect her.

I am sorry but this is bullshit. Plenty of people who live with their kids full time would come back from this kind of drive and parent.

YANBU. He is a complete waste of space. Tell him not to bother in future as its more trouble than its worth. If he does want to carry on I agree with specified times, not coming into your house and no contact with you unless an emergency.

That would be the deal-breaker for me, if my kids were coming home dirty and unbrushed teeth. That kind of neglect on a regular basis is unacceptable and I'd be putting a stop to the visits, for you child's benefit. Why should they suffer 😢