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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should have been aware of this ?

29 replies

PinkAndViolet · 15/04/2022 15:07

Friend came out of a long marriage and just a few months on, got together with a woman who had lost her husband a year ago. She said it was love at first sight and that they have both never been happier.
However, despite it being several years together now, she admits she feels some jealousy when he talks about his deceased wife and today, they are having a party to celebrate what would have been her 50th birthday. Friend is not going and has not contributed to any of the social media posts about it. She keeps telling me she feels jealous and upset. Aibu to say that it takes a strong person to go into a relationship with a widow/widower especially when the previous marriage was so strong and there was so much love there?
Personally I couldn't do it but friend is even more insecure than me so I'm not sure what she was expecting? It was always going to be tough.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkAndViolet · 15/04/2022 15:08

Urgh, she got together with a man who lost his wife. Now the above post makes no sense

OP posts:
madroid · 15/04/2022 15:10

I'm not surprised your friend doesn't want to be involved in a party for bf's dead wife. You'd have to be bloody Mother Teresa to turn up with a good face for that.

How is it your business though?

Chamomileteaplease · 15/04/2022 15:13

I'm all for remembering the dead especially if it's your mother or something, but a party to celebrate the birthday of a dead loved one? Sounds unusual. And puts this woman in a difficult position.

SalsaLove · 15/04/2022 15:18

Several years is no amount of time when it comes to grieving. And it sounds like she was young, which probably has added to the sense of loss. However, I’m not surprised your friend isn’t comfortable with it. It seems like he moved on too soon?

Cocomarine · 15/04/2022 15:19

You don’t sound a very supportive friend. Sounds like you think she’s made her bed and should lie in it.

No, it doesn’t take a “strong” person to be with a widower. It takes a certain personality type, I think - someone not given to jealousy helps, someone able to communicate their feelings.

I’m married to a widower who loved his wife and sounds like they had a fab marriage. If anything, makes me feel he wouldn’t have settled for less than amazing again.

I would be completely supportive of such a party, though it’s not my husband’s type of thing. We’ve looked through their wedding photos together on what would have been their 30th anniversary, and raised a toast. I’ve waved him off to a birthday dinner (on her birthday) with my now adult stepsons.

Maybe actually listen to her, instead of taking to MN and saying, “well it was always going to be tough” 🤷🏻‍♀️

Couldn’t you have started this in Relationships and asked if any of us had been in this position, and could we suggest how to support her? A friend would have done. Not a gossipy smug AIBU.

I8toys · 15/04/2022 15:20

That party sounds a bit odd though? Why would she go?

girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 15:22

It's impossible to know how someone's going to deal with grief month or years down the line.

It's not unusual to feel jealous of a partners deceased spouse.

lickenchugget · 15/04/2022 15:24

Hard to know without the full background, but a 50th for a dead person sounds a bit odd

Cocomarine · 15/04/2022 15:28

@lickenchugget

Hard to know without the full background, but a 50th for a dead person sounds a bit odd
Not to me. I doubt it’s particularly common, but not odd. Definitely not wrong. Perhaps she’d always said she was going to have a massive 50th, and now, sounds like 5 years on, the family have thought - “you know what, Louise would have bloody loved it if we had a big family and friends shindig to celebrate her life!”

Sharing stories, looking around at all the people who cared about your much loved wife / mother / child / sibling and still think of her? I actually think that sounds rather lovely.

Original poster
PinkAndViolet · 15/04/2022 18:43

Well she is complaining about it a lot to me. It's not about being smug but you would have thought that she would have been aware of all all beforehand.
She's a very insecure person and was with her ex too.
The 50th party was because his deceased wife always spoke about it and what she would do so they are honouring her wishes.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 15/04/2022 19:10

Well that’s a lovely reason to hold the celebration 50th.

I still think this post is a shitty way to moan about a friend.

Giraffesandbottoms · 15/04/2022 19:38

Friend came out of a long marriage and just a few months on, got together with a woman who had lost her husband a year ago. She said it was love at first sight and that they have both never been happier.
However, despite it being several years together now, she admits she feels some jealousy when he talks about his deceased wife and today

Your friend got together with a woman who lost her husband but is now a man who lost his wife? 😃

UggyPow · 15/04/2022 21:36

Urm well we had a 50th get together for my late husband, we have had a bench put in a local park & it had just been put in.
The friends who had supported us during my husband's illness were invited with their children & we had Prosecco & homemade meringue’s
It was a moment to reflect on his life & to thank those who were so kind.
My eldest goes there to talk to her Dad, my boyfriend was invited but chose not to attend, we went later on - on our own
Being a Widow doesn’t alter your capacity to love another & there is nothing to be jealous of

Original poster
PinkAndViolet · 15/04/2022 22:02

As I said, she is moaning to me about it.
She needs to accept that his deceased wife will always mean a lot to him and that he will always be very vocal about it. He was upfront about this from the start. He said he was lucky enough to meet 2 soulmates (His wife and her) but she doesn't believe it and feels she will always be second best.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 22:04

I've just noticed your username and now realise why you're struggling to see past the end of your nose.

Maybe having friends isn't for you.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 15/04/2022 22:05

The thing is she is likely to always be second best - he wouldn’t be with her if his wife hadn’t died!
She’s got to decide if she can cope with that.

Original poster
PinkAndViolet · 15/04/2022 22:09

What's my username got to do with anything?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 22:11

@PinkAndViolet

What's my username got to do with anything?
I just remember who you are and what kind of friend you are 🤷‍♀️
Cocomarine · 15/04/2022 22:12

@PinkAndViolet

As I said, she is moaning to me about it. She needs to accept that his deceased wife will always mean a lot to him and that he will always be very vocal about it. He was upfront about this from the start. He said he was lucky enough to meet 2 soulmates (His wife and her) but she doesn't believe it and feels she will always be second best.
Right. And the action of a friend is to come and post about her here? “With friends like you…”
Original poster
PinkAndViolet · 15/04/2022 22:13

Well we all post here about someone we know. It's a forum. Hmm

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2022 22:18

@PinkAndViolet

Well she is complaining about it a lot to me. It's not about being smug but you would have thought that she would have been aware of all all beforehand. She's a very insecure person and was with her ex too. The 50th party was because his deceased wife always spoke about it and what she would do so they are honouring her wishes.
I can only hope she has other friends.

I imagine she fell in love with the guy, and no one can really know what a stage of life is going to be like until they’re living it.

Cocomarine · 15/04/2022 22:20

@PinkAndViolet

Well we all post here about someone we know. It's a forum. Hmm
I’ve posted loads. 100% have never posted mean stuff about a friend 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s just nasty. There’s no question of how to support her, or even how to cope with the moaning when you don’t feel you can help. It’s just nasty, “yeah well - what was she expecting?” How do you think she’d feel about you as a friend if she read that?
Georgeskitchen · 15/04/2022 22:20

Is it a full on bells and whistles party? Disco, buffet etc?
That would seem a bit odd to me, for a deceased person

Owwlie · 15/04/2022 22:24

I think some people just think the person will move on.

A colleague of mine did similar, for with a guy who had been widowed for about a year. She complained that he went to visit his late wife’s grave too often because she thought it was odd that her went to her grave on her birthday. She’s quite self-centred though, so I think that’s her problem.

FairyCakeWings · 15/04/2022 22:26

Yabu. It doesn’t take someone especially strong to date a widow or a widower, it’s just takes someone who isn’t excessively insecure or self centred, but those things aren’t ideal when dating anyone.