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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DD's teacher was a bit harsh this morning?

62 replies

sunflowervalley · 09/01/2008 09:35

Just got back from taking DD to school.
She is in reception and has just started back on Monday where she is now doing full days until 3pm.

She is still having issues with using the school's toilets so for the time being she is taking pull ups into school with her but is reluctant for anyone to change her at lunchtime.

This morning her teacher had a word with me in front of DD and said she would'nt let anyone take her to the toilet yesterday and was she ok when she got home.
I said yes she was fine.

She then proceeded to say we need to get her to use the toilet so will take her today and show her around the cloakroom but admited most of the children don't like the cloakrooms so she would take her to another toilet.
DD got very anxious at that point and was looking worried and the teacher said
"come on E.... ,we will try it today"
to which DD replied "no" quite firmly.

Then suddenly the teacher grabbed DD's hand and started pulling her into class saying you can come in on your own today without mummy as you have just been very rude.
DD was really upset and tried to pull away and she was pulling her the other way.

I insisted on taking her in to vcalm her down and the teacher followed us telling another TA on the way
"E.... has just been very rude"

I managed to get her into class but she was very teary.

I am so annoyed that the teacher dealt with this this way as DD has been happy to go back to school the last couple of days after the holidays which can be difficult but has been full of herself after school and really enjoying it.
I just hope this teacher has'nt worried her now and she will be reluctant to go to school tomorrow.

After I took her in I saw the teacher again on the way out and she said
"Oh she's gone in has she,what a little madam"

Am I being unreasonable?

DD is 4 and still finding her feet at school and feel that this could have been handled better.
I did'nt appreiciate the madam comment or her dragging her into class ethier.

Maybe it's just me feeling hormonal but thought I would see what others thought.

OP posts:
pyjamagirl · 09/01/2008 10:16

I am so angry on your behalf my dd also started monday and is weepy and is been a PITA atm but it's all part and parcel of been a newbie at school it's a big shock to the system for them.

I would have a word with the head and tell her you are not happy tbh

what a miserable old bag teacher

nailpolish · 09/01/2008 10:20

can you take her out of school, sunflower, and wiat til next term, even september, when she will perhaps

  1. ahve more confidence to talk out in class
  2. be 100% toilet trained
  3. have had more time with you at home to reach the above 2 goals
  4. perhaps hopefully start again with a different teacher
NewYearNewCatkin · 09/01/2008 10:21

How awful for you and your little DD. I'm a teacher and i'm bloody horrified when I hear all these stories of nasty people who clearly need to find a different job!!
Hope you find a resolution to these issues. I agree that you need to say something. I would have a word with the teacher first and then tell her you feel it's appropriate to mention it to the head.

SofiaAmes · 09/01/2008 10:22

sunflowervalley, no teacher should EVER be dragging any child anywhere. You MUST remove your child from this class. She will end up being miserable and hating school. It's not ok for this to be happening to her and if it's happening in front of you, you are implicitly letting your dd know that it's ok for people to treat her like that.

Original poster
sunflowervalley · 09/01/2008 10:24

I was just stunned when she called her a madam and her tone was really upsetting.

Thinking back it's like something you may say to someone else about there child but to say it directly to the mother of that child it's only just hitting me how angry I feel.

She does seem to enjoy school and don't want this teachers attitude ruining that for her.

I have just remembered last term when she approached me in the playground after school whilst DD stood next to me and said
"you will have to do this work with DD at home as she would'nt co operate"
"I think she is being a bit stubborn"

Bearing in mind her brother has SM and DD had only just started school and she gets very over whealmed with new people and situations ,I thought at the time she is just shy and has'nt built up any confidence yet with her surroundings,give her a chance.

It's making me realise I should have flagged these issues before and typing this out on mumsnet is making me remember other things that have happened.

OP posts:
pyjamagirl · 09/01/2008 10:27

I have just told my dp about and he is and !

I would ring the head now and maybe go in at dinnertime and see if she is ok

cazboldy · 09/01/2008 10:35

Why didn't you say something at the time? If there is no obligation legally for her to attend full tijme, then I would keep her doing half days if she was comfortable with that until you get the toilet situation sorted out. But the main issue here is the fact that you are unhappy with the teacher. You must speak to HER. not the head teacher (well not in the first instance) if she continues to treat your dd in an unacceptable way then by all means go to the head, but if you just let her do it, and don't register your disproval of it, then how is she supposed to know you don't like her being like that?

AngharadGoldenhand · 09/01/2008 10:38

She was out of order. Talk to the head.

Saying no to the teacher is not rude anyway.

Yummers · 09/01/2008 10:39

i think the teacher has behaved appallingly in this.

but i do think you need to be firm with your daughter that she must use the toilets at school. 4 is too old to be in pull-ups during the day. sorry.

Original poster
sunflowervalley · 09/01/2008 10:39

I am not sure what to do for the best?

The last two days she has come home full of stories of school and her friends and all excited but the look on her face this morning she looked terrified of this teacher.

I just feel like a useless mother now and which I had said something at the time but was in shock really.

It's so difficult to know what to do.

I have had a nightmare 2 years with my DS at that school as they wanted him to repeat reception ironically he would have been with the same teacher as DD has now.
But fought to get that changed and he did move up to year 1.
That I feel was due to his SM not his academic qualitys which was why I felt so strongly about it.
Thank goodness he was'nt in her class.

The school see me already as a PITA as have fought long and hard to get my DS the support in school.

Now this with DD and am so scared and concerned that DD has SM as well although she is a totally different personality to DS.

DD's teacher must realise that I would be anxious and knowing DS's background be more empathetic with our situation and with DD.

OP posts:
cazboldy · 09/01/2008 10:48

well ok, you missed your chance this morning, but don't beat yourself up about it, and you are obviously a "good mum" to have fought to get your ds the help he needs. Go back and speak to her today, or if you feel too intimidated by her then ring and ask if she can phone you at lunch time.

Yummers · 09/01/2008 10:52

you're not useless at all. far from it.

but i do agree with the other posters who suggest it might be best to make a fresh start by taking her out now and starting again in september. you could use the next 8 months or so to try and get her fully toilet trained and more importantly build her confidence in other ways so that when she starts school next time she'll be fully prepared. don't look on it as a failure, just something to learn from.

helenhismadwife · 09/01/2008 10:52

my dd (3.5) started school in September thats normal for France. she was also having accidents at home, we sent her in with a spare set of clothes just in case but strangely she has only had one accident, I agree with wannabe about not sending her into school in pull ups. Would it be possible for you to take her into the toilet when you get to school a few times to get her used to going in there?

The teacher doesnt sound at all pleasant it must be incredibly difficult for you can you arrange a meeting with this teacher and the head to discuss your dd needs

helenhismadwife · 09/01/2008 10:54

sunflower you are not a useless mother at all you sound brilliant to me doing what a mother does worrying about her dc and fighting for them dont be hard on yourself

wooga · 09/01/2008 11:02

YANBU and don't be hard on yourself-the teacher's actions were unbelievable.

After reading the other post about your son and other background it makes teacher's behaviour even harder to comprehend.

Have you got any other mums at the school you can talk to?I bet they were just as shocked as you this morning.

Talk to the headteacher-hopefully they are nicer than your dd's teacher.

Has she been teaching for long?.

She sounds horrible-and her attitude is helpful to nobody-will make your dd more anxious.

Good luck.

wooga · 09/01/2008 11:06

Ah sorry-read up more.

I know how you feel about being a 'PITA' I am having to be one at my ds's school at the moment as he's asd and they aren't meeting his needs-sometimes we're left with no other option.

Original poster
sunflowervalley · 09/01/2008 11:21

Thanks everyone,feeling a bit better now.

I have a meeting with the head tomorrow re my DS so may approach the subject with DD's teacher first and see what happens.

I don't know how long ahe has been teaching,She is about 30 I would guess but I have always found her quite abrupt.

The head and teachers used to make me feel so intimated but since my sucess with DS have got a bit more confident in dealing with them.
I just get the feeling they have me down as an over protective over emotional mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunflowervalley · 09/01/2008 11:52

Well I have just spoken to the lady from family support that is working with my DS and ran this by her and she said she certainly would'nt be happy with the way the teacher approached this with DD.
She said it will do nothing for her confidence and does not believe in punishing a child for saying no when she was obvioulsly upset by telling her her mummy can not come in with her today.

She will be with me at the meeting tomorrow for DS and suggested we bring it up at the meeting for the headmistress's attention and suggest a different approach.

OP posts:
ThreeBluecubs · 09/01/2008 12:03

No you are not being unreasonable. I'm afraid in the mood I am in this morning, I would have been knocking on the head's door. What a stupid stupid thing to do. Has the woman no brains at all?

So you now have a child that has had her very real fear of using the loo at school (which is very common) belittled publicly at the beginning of the new school term when she was feeling vulnerable anyhow - oh and a stressed and angry mother. Marvelous.

What your daughter said was not in the slightest bit rude - she was purely a little girl trying to express her fear about using the loo without her Mum. Take away her ability to do that and the teacher will have a lot bigger issues to deal with.

I hope you manage to sort something out.

ladylush · 09/01/2008 12:04

I think this is an awful approach to take with a 4 yr old who is just settling in to school. You do not sound over protective at all imo. In your shoes, I would speak to the teacher first and be pretty frank in my expression (sounds like she doesn't choose her words carefully so no point in beating around the bush)and depending on her response would also consider talking to the head about it. If she is contrite and can see your point of view along with giving assurances for future interactions with your daughter, I would not go to the head (but monitor situation). Any other reaction and I would go to the head to complain. I also feel that she should apologise to your dd.

onebatmother · 09/01/2008 12:06

Brilliant sunflower. family support person sounds fab, and it'll all be much easier with her in the meeting I htink.

V well done.

Original poster
sunflowervalley · 09/01/2008 13:32

Thanks everyone,am feeling a lot more confident reading all your replies and good advice.

Will see how it goes when I pick up DD and how she has been this afternoon.

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 09/01/2008 17:44

How was your DD?

lucyellensmum · 09/01/2008 18:08

what a bitch, nasty cow - you are her mother, how DARE she undermine you like that. Blimey, i want to punch her for you!

Wisteria · 09/01/2008 18:15

She shouldn't be working with this age group by the sounds of it as she clearly does not have the skills necessary.

I would go directly to the head; do not pass go, do not collect £200 etc and make a formal complaint.

Is there a different class which she can join or can she change schools?

Do agree that the toileting issue needs attention but not in the way that her form teacher is handling it.

I would consider talking privately to the TA as well and see what she thinks.