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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex texting my exh (trigger warning)

34 replies

byebyte · 14/04/2022 22:32

Split with ex of 9 months last week. Very acrimonious. Off/on. I'm exhausted.

I've blocked him but still get emails through. We found out I was pregnant (coil malfunction apparently) and he had been pushing for abortion.

He said he wanted to talk so I rang. It degenerated into arguments when I said I was having doubts. I get it. It's not the right way to bring any child but it's still a life.

He said if I had the baby hed tell my parents about the abuse I suffered as a child. Knowing this is the one thing that destroys me. I can't prosecute the guy because then my parents would know and I think it would kill them.

He hung up. I was in shock. But rang him back just to check what he'd said. I thought maybe he'd apologise. But he said it again and I hung up

Next thing my exh is texting me asking if I'm okay. Ex knows I have a good relationship with exh (he hated it). Exh and I split about three years ago. It's all good. We have kids together and he's a brilliant dad.

Exh screenshots me some garbled texts from ex saying not to block him and not to mention it to me.

Exh replies he's not comfortable lying to me etc and just says what do you want me to do.

I'm livid. It's one thing he's threatening to tell my parents. But now he's bringing my exh into it? I'm so fucking tired I could cry.

OP posts:
Meadmaiden · 14/04/2022 22:45

How does your ex boyfriend even have your ex husband's number?

The ex boyfriend sounds toxic, and his behaviour may be illegal as it sounds like harassment. I would suggest contacting women's aid for advice.

xsquared · 14/04/2022 22:48

This is absolutely controlling and toxic behaviour. He is harassing you and your exh who shouldn't be dragged into this.

You need to contact police. I am so sorry you are going through this, but the best thing to do would be to completely disengage with this poisonous creature.

Original poster
byebyte · 14/04/2022 22:56

Ex said he needed a contact for me in case something happened. I had his sons number. We were going away for a long weekend. It was ages ago and to be honest I thought he'd forgotten about it. I never thought he'd contact exh in anything other than an emergency.

Just so so tired.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/04/2022 22:57

@xsquared

This is absolutely controlling and toxic behaviour. He is harassing you and your exh who shouldn't be dragged into this.

You need to contact police. I am so sorry you are going through this, but the best thing to do would be to completely disengage with this poisonous creature.

This.

Please contact the police.

This is absolutely abusive, coercove behaviour.

He is committing a crime.

Please contact Women's aid for support. I think they will direct you to the police.

Please mind yourself and do the above. Flowers

Fayekrista · 14/04/2022 23:00

Block all forms of communication & ask exh to do the same

Original poster
byebyte · 15/04/2022 08:37

Thanks

Just a mini update and also just for my own reference so I have it somewhere

Exh blocked him. I've seen all the texts back and forth. He was polite but basically said I don't know who you are and I don't want to lie/hide anything from byebyte.

I rang ex to say stop. To leave everyone alone. He basically threatened my exh by saying he'd better not meet him because he disrespected him. I read all the texts. Exh was polite and not rude at all.

Ex went from being massively apologetic to shouty so I hung up. No more contact today. Going to go out for some fresh air. Thanks for the support last night. I felt like I was losing my mind. Any more contact and I will be speaking to the police

OP posts:
Jedsnewstar · 15/04/2022 08:44

Any more contact and I will be speaking to the police

Akin to if he hits me again I will go to the police! He has ALREADY harassed you. Go to the police. He sounds unhinged and dangerous, his next move (and the will 100% be one) maybe so much worse.

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2022 08:47

Do you plan to continue the pregnancy? Because you'll have this arsehole in your life for decades if so.

EdgyNeonAnt · 15/04/2022 08:51

Why wait until he does something else to contact the police? His behaviour has already escalated very quickly, in a short space of time, from harassing and threatening you to harassing and threatening your ex. I wouldn't wait for the next thing to happen, I would want him stopped before he could do whatever it is.

Philisophigal · 15/04/2022 08:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

ConfusedNoMore · 15/04/2022 08:53

As sad as it is, I would not have a child to this man. He will make your life a living hell.

JoyLurking9to5 · 15/04/2022 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Cocodreams · 15/04/2022 08:57

@ConfusedNoMore

As sad as it is, I would not have a child to this man. He will make your life a living hell.
This.

I have a friend who had a child to a similar man, she left him when their child was a tiny baby, and four years on he makes life hell for her in every way possible.

grapewines · 15/04/2022 08:59

Zero chance I'd continue with the pregnancy. You'd tie yourself to this abusive man for the rest of your life and give your child a useless father. There is no upside here.

EdgyNeonAnt · 15/04/2022 09:04

Don't be persuaded into making any decisions on your pregnancy OP, that is a very personal decision and I would be upset by some of the wording used, in your situation.
You do need to report everything he does though, and your ex should keep the texts sent to him as evidence.

Watsonville · 15/04/2022 09:31

This ^^

I don’t understand why people feel it’s okay to suggest op terminates her pregnancy when she’s not come on here for help regarding that.

Watsonville · 15/04/2022 09:32

@EdgyNeonAnt

Don't be persuaded into making any decisions on your pregnancy OP, that is a very personal decision and I would be upset by some of the wording used, in your situation. You do need to report everything he does though, and your ex should keep the texts sent to him as evidence.
Oops was meant to quote this message
2Gen · 15/04/2022 09:36

@EdgyNeonAnt

Don't be persuaded into making any decisions on your pregnancy OP, that is a very personal decision and I would be upset by some of the wording used, in your situation. You do need to report everything he does though, and your ex should keep the texts sent to him as evidence.
I agree with this OP. You have grounds now for a Barring Order/Injunction because he is harassing you and threatening you and even has threatened your exH. These are crimes! Tell the police, get legal advice and ensure you document every incidence of his aggressive, threatening behaviour. You can build a case against him ever having any contact with your child. As you say, it's still a life and you could well end up feeling even worse if you went for a termination. Get legal advice and phone Women's Aid. Ask your exH for back-up because he will want to be there for you for the sake of the DC ye share. Don't make any hasty decisions ré your unborn child, because TBH, it seems to me like he's making it easy for you to be able to get the authorities to legally bar him from having anything to do with this child ever again. I'm so sorry OP, please look after yourself and all the best!
Comtesse · 15/04/2022 09:37

Is the new ex almost trying to blackmail you by saying he’ll tell your parents about previous abuse? I think this is definitely police territory Flowers

ConfusedNoMore · 15/04/2022 09:38

@Watsonville the op says he pushed for abortion and she was having doubts and sounds undecided. Nobody is telling her what she should do. I was telling her what I would do, if I were in her position, knowing what I know from my experience.

Of course only op can make the decision and nobody is judging her. It is concern that is all. From those of us who have been dragged through courts and bullied by abusive exes when we have their child.

femfemlicious · 15/04/2022 09:44

Just know its extremely hard to get a parent totally barred from seeing their child . There will always be some form of contact which will increase with time.

frazzledasarock · 15/04/2022 09:49

OP you don’t sound like you want to continue this pregnancy and your ex is harassing you and abusing you because of it.

Don’t be persuaded by posters saying oh you’ll be able to build a case to have your ex kept away from you and your child.

That won’t happen you will have to make your child available for contact with your psycho ex. You will be dragged incessantly through court and your ex will use every method possible to abuse you through your child.

Unless you have a mountain of money and shit hot lawyers and barristers this man will be in your life for decades.

I’ve been through the family court I’ve held the hands of women going through the family courts.
Fathers who are drug addicts/physically abusive/never bothered about their child during their relationship with the mother all get contact. And contact in contact centres progresses to outside of contact centres.

Think very carefully about what you want your life to look like.

phoneybaloney · 15/04/2022 09:55

What a nightmare.

Another voice of concern for you saying think long and hard about what continuing this pregnancy will look like long term. This guy will be like this for DECADES with you if you have his child. You'll have no escape from his nonsense and you'd be subjecting a child to him too.

Sorry you're going through this. Please keep "talking" to people whether it's here on MN, real life, support lines, etc.

The blackmail he's stated. This is a common thing for abusers to threaten. My dad threatened my mum with this!! I've grown up with a "man" like this as a Dad. Please don't subject a child to this kind of parent.

maddening · 15/04/2022 09:57

So he is saying you need to get an abortion or he will tell your parents about abuse you received as a child?

Surely this is blackmail? Get evidence and go to the police.

Original poster
byebyte · 15/04/2022 10:25

Thank you. Sorry I am still reading.

He said he would tell my parents why I was so scared of having the abortion and it would all come out.

He knows where they live as we went there once. I don't know if I should warn them. They're old and my dad is ill. My mum is a chronic worrier. It would kill her.

I can't really think about the pregnancy to be honest. When we were together I felt rail roasted. Then when we split he held it over me as a threat. If I had the baby we'd never be together. Then I think he realised that's no longer something I'm worried about so he's ramped it up

OP posts:
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