Ex texting my exh (trigger warning)

[byebyte]

Split with ex of 9 months last week. Very acrimonious. Off/on. I'm exhausted.

I've blocked him but still get emails through. We found out I was pregnant (coil malfunction apparently) and he had been pushing for abortion.

He said he wanted to talk so I rang. It degenerated into arguments when I said I was having doubts. I get it. It's not the right way to bring any child but it's still a life.

He said if I had the baby hed tell my parents about the abuse I suffered as a child. Knowing this is the one thing that destroys me. I can't prosecute the guy because then my parents would know and I think it would kill them.

He hung up. I was in shock. But rang him back just to check what he'd said. I thought maybe he'd apologise. But he said it again and I hung up

Next thing my exh is texting me asking if I'm okay. Ex knows I have a good relationship with exh (he hated it). Exh and I split about three years ago. It's all good. We have kids together and he's a brilliant dad.

Exh screenshots me some garbled texts from ex saying not to block him and not to mention it to me.

Exh replies he's not comfortable lying to me etc and just says what do you want me to do.

I'm livid. It's one thing he's threatening to tell my parents. But now he's bringing my exh into it? I'm so fucking tired I could cry.

I’m assuming the person who abused you is someone your parents love either a relative or a family friend.

As hard as it is you need to try and disentangle both these terrible events in your head.

Your ex will always hold this over your head, as soon as you do something he doesn’t like he will threaten. Having this child means there is the possibility you will be involved with him for the next 18 years.

I used to volunteer for a Domestic violence charity, it is quite amazing how really abusive men can still have access to their children. @frazzledasarock has written an excellent post regarding the reality that could very well happen.

Well, threatening to tell your parents about past abuse is blackmail which is illegal, so if he talking to the police about that.
In your position I too would be thinking of an abortion as wouldn’t want to tie myself to someone so toxic. As a father, he’d have rights to your dc and that would be ongoing for years into the future.
Good luck with whatever you decide

On a slightly side note - could you warn your parents that he is being nasty and may contact them to say horrible things just to hurt you? You dont have to go into details about what, but it will take a lot of the power away. Then if you do talk to him, tell him they know so it wont make any difference. Better yet, get some help and support for yourself with it - it is not pleasant but it will dial down the emotions from the situation.

It all sounds awful and so stressful for you. To be honest, I'd want nothing to do with him ever again and would seriously consider the abortion.
You definitely need counselling to work through your past abuse, or sounds like you've never really dealt with it.
As for ex-b, report him to the police for blackmail and harassment.

Thank you. I know. I'm just getting myself together. I'd already planned to meet a friend so im trying to keep it all together.

Im just a bit anxious as I know he's picking up his daughter today for his eow and it's in the same town as my parents. So it would be really easy for him to get to them today. Then he's dropping off on Sunday. Im meant to be seeing my family on Sunday. It's all filling me with dread.

I knew he was a bit hot headed but telling my parents is just off the scale. I can't believe he'd even say it. Im also angry he threatened my exh. He's a good guy. He's done absolutely nothing wrong.

Sorry im just ranting a bit now. I don't know if I can tell my friend. I just don't want to bottle it all up any more.

Are you close enough to exh to have a proper chat about it all with him, given he already knows there's a bit of an issue and has already shown he's a good friend by the way he's dealt with your ex? Sometimes just telling someone else and discussing what you think you want to do really helps

@JoyLurking9to5

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

What is happening on mumsnet, a post advising op to terminate if she doesnt want to be tied to a controlling lunatic for decades is deleted for breaking mumsnet guidelines??

Wonder what guideline it broke.

OP, you and your Exh should be at the police today.

He is threatening you, him and attempting to blackmail you.

Please go to the police.

Thank you

Sorry been out with my friend all day. It's been lovely just forgetting about things

I don't want to drag exh into this. He's a good man. I really don't have any issues with him. We look after the kids well. And his first reaction last night was am I okay. He's already said if I need to talk he's there. But I dont want to drag him into it. He knows now that something happened but i don't want to go into detail. I know he's got my back though which means a lot.

I get the pregnancy thing. I am taking it on board. I have been sticking my head in the sand because it's so scary. I need to make a decision asap. Otherwise I will go down the ercp route which scares me even more.