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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sabotaging my diet

50 replies

Fiatpunto86 · 14/04/2022 10:25

I’m one of those on/off dieters - either being really good or really bad. Lockdown wasn’t kind and I gained over 2 stone so trying now to get it off. Partner doesn’t have a weight problem and likes to buy treats - puddings, sweets, chocolates. I’m of course not expecting her not to eat these things just because of me. I’ve noticed though that she’ll leave things around, buy a box of chocolates for example and eat just a couple - knowing I can’t resist. Say she fancies a pudding, buy a chocolate dessert and custard and then say she doesn’t fancy it after all - so it’s just sitting there to tempt me. I realise I’m the person who controls what I eat, it’s completely up to me but I do wonder if she’s sabotaging my efforts on purpose knowing that I’m too weak to resist things. Leaving half a bag of haribo, chocolates etc. When I inevitably do end up eating some she acts horrified, I can’t have anything with you around etc etc. Am I being over sensitive? Why would you purposely make it difficult for your partner to lose weight! She knows how unhappy I am at this weight and that I’m in a rut with it. Like I said - I realise I can/should just ignore the things she buys and I am responsible for what goes in my mouth but I don’t understand why she’d constantly make it hard. Anyone else have any experience of someone that loves them sabotaging them?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 14/04/2022 10:27

Sorry but the issue here is you not being able to control yourself. I’m the same but it’s not people who can moderate themselves to blame

Muppetlove · 14/04/2022 10:28

Pour some bleach or detergent on the food then you won't be tempted

Ahwelltoobad · 14/04/2022 10:36

If it's on purpose (and IMO you can normally sense when it is), it sounds like some kind of power game from her. Not sure how to fix it though, if talking to her doesn't help. Flowers

Loopytiles · 14/04/2022 10:41

That’s weird behaviour - and unsupportive, at best.

Underfrighter · 14/04/2022 10:41

It's a completely normal thing to do though, buy a pudding and then not fancy it, or buy some chocolate and eat some of it and leave some.

In those scenarios what do you actually expect her to do? Not buy stuff? That doesn't seem fair. Force herself to eat something once its opened or eat a whole pack if she only fancies half, never change her mind about when she eats stuff? That would be controlling.

The only thing I think would be reasonable is to say to her you find it difficult when you see things are open, out of sight out of mind, so could she please find somewhere to keep them that isn't somewhere that's in your face as much, for example a tin in a lesser used cupboard or in a box in the fridge that you can't see in. I think that's reasonable and it's hardly any skin off her nose so if she refuses this then I think its sabotage (rather than normal behaviour)

cansu · 14/04/2022 10:42

Actually she could be more helpful. This doesn't mean she can't have them. She could put them away and does not have to inform you of what she has bought. I get this a lot. It could be thoughtless or could be deliberate. In my case it is deliberate and a way of making sure I stay fat. Making changes is threatening to some people. I am now wise to it. I say thanks and quietly bin it.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2022 10:46

supportive things for her to do would include buying individual portions and consuming them soon after.

Underfrighter · 14/04/2022 10:47

"Pour some bleach or detergent on the food then you won't be tempted"

I'd be really angry if I found my partner had poured washing up liquid on my chocolates because I only ate a couple at a time out the packet!

lawandgin · 14/04/2022 10:48

None of that sounds like sabotage to me and the fact you can't control yourself is not her fault. And I say that as someone who loves food and has been very overweight. You could ask her to put treats out of sight as PP suggests, but don't blame her for having a normal relationship with food.

Elsiebear90 · 14/04/2022 10:48

Sorry, but she shouldn’t have to eat in secret, hide her food or finish all of it so you’re not tempted to have some. You’re blaming her for your lack of self control.

daisyjgrey · 14/04/2022 10:50

Your relationship with food is completely ruined.

You're yo-yo dieting (terrible for metabolism, doing more damage than any weight loss will do good) and you're restricting and binging and relying on others to help you self regulate and validate you.

Go to a therapist.

Original poster
Fiatpunto86 · 14/04/2022 10:54

Thanks, I understand that it’s mainly my issue rather than hers. I think her keeping her stash somewhere else and it not being under my nose would help but I need to control myself. I have a feeling she likes to see me fail though. There’s a box of chocolates she fancied, ate 2 then left just sitting on our coffee table - to me it seems a bit deliberate. To buy a giant tub of haribo sweets and leave them out. She’ll offer me some and then call me “tubs” - playfully but it’s still a bit hurtful. I wonder if she prefers I stay fat but I’m miserable so surely that can’t be it

OP posts:
refreshingseahorse · 14/04/2022 10:57

What would happen if you put the stuff away and said you just didn't want to look at it all day?

daisyjgrey · 14/04/2022 10:57

She’ll offer me some and then call me “tubs”

Your partner is a prick. Don't put up with that from anyone.

Fuck her off for being a horrible person, then go to a therapist.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2022 11:04

Yeah, that’s shit.

Coldilox · 14/04/2022 11:07

If I was her I’d be annoyed that you were eating my food. Just because she doesn’t fancy it then doesn’t mean she won’t want it the next day.

Original poster
Fiatpunto86 · 14/04/2022 11:09

@refreshingseahorse

What would happen if you put the stuff away and said you just didn't want to look at it all day?
I’m going to do that, she’s quite untidy so leaves things everywhere - me putting it away and knowing where it is will be hard but I know that’s my issue
OP posts:
Original poster
Fiatpunto86 · 14/04/2022 11:10

@daisyjgrey

She’ll offer me some and then call me “tubs”

Your partner is a prick. Don't put up with that from anyone.

Fuck her off for being a horrible person, then go to a therapist.

She says it jokingly, it isn’t said horribly. I need to sort myself out
OP posts:
unname · 14/04/2022 11:11

She sounds very unsupportive and it it does sound like it’s on purpose. It’s easy enough to put things away rather than leaving them in sight. I’d be tempted to throw them out actually.

10HailMarys · 14/04/2022 11:11

@Fiatpunto86

Thanks, I understand that it’s mainly my issue rather than hers. I think her keeping her stash somewhere else and it not being under my nose would help but I need to control myself. I have a feeling she likes to see me fail though. There’s a box of chocolates she fancied, ate 2 then left just sitting on our coffee table - to me it seems a bit deliberate. To buy a giant tub of haribo sweets and leave them out. She’ll offer me some and then call me “tubs” - playfully but it’s still a bit hurtful. I wonder if she prefers I stay fat but I’m miserable so surely that can’t be it
OK, this is a bit of a drip-feed, because what you've said here is a lot different from someone just buying sweets and chocolates and carelessly leaving them around.

She knows you're on a diet, she knows your weak points, and she knows you don't like it when you gain weight - so deliberately offering you sweets and calling you 'tubs' is a massive, massive red flag.

I wonder if she prefers I stay fat but I’m miserable so surely that can’t be it

Either a) she prefers you fat and doesn't care if you're miserable as long as she's got what she wants and/or b) she knows you're insecure when you're overweight, and she wants to keep you feeling insecure because that means you're less likely to leave her. I suspect it's B, because she's been calling you 'tubs' while KNOWING that you're miserable about your weight. This is absolutely horrible behaviour on her part.

This is a classic control/manipulation behaviour from a partner. I've seen this kind of thing before.

10HailMarys · 14/04/2022 11:16

She says it jokingly, it isn’t said horribly. I need to sort myself out

It absolutely IS said horribly. She's saying it like it's a joke so you feel you have to put up with it - she's gaslighting you, OP.

To know someone is miserable about their weight and then to offer them sweets and call them 'Tubs' is definitely horrible, even the tone is jokey. She's got you thinking all this is your fault and that you're over-sensitive - but you're not.

If your partner was a man, people would be telling you to leave.

Obelisk · 14/04/2022 11:18

She’ll offer me some and then call me “tubs”

This is horrible and doing it in a jokey manner doesn't make it better if you find it hurtful. I was ready to weigh in on your DP's side until I read your follow up.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 14/04/2022 11:21

@Underfrighter

It's a completely normal thing to do though, buy a pudding and then not fancy it, or buy some chocolate and eat some of it and leave some.

In those scenarios what do you actually expect her to do? Not buy stuff? That doesn't seem fair. Force herself to eat something once its opened or eat a whole pack if she only fancies half, never change her mind about when she eats stuff? That would be controlling.

The only thing I think would be reasonable is to say to her you find it difficult when you see things are open, out of sight out of mind, so could she please find somewhere to keep them that isn't somewhere that's in your face as much, for example a tin in a lesser used cupboard or in a box in the fridge that you can't see in. I think that's reasonable and it's hardly any skin off her nose so if she refuses this then I think its sabotage (rather than normal behaviour)

Great advice 👍
Oddbutnotodd · 14/04/2022 11:25

I would all the sweets etc away. I’m a bit like you. I have put all the sweet stuff away in a cupboard upstairs. I’m making a conscious decision to ignore it. I’m also making sure I’m eating good food that I like. I know if I’d like 1/2 chocolates they are there.
Take control and choose to not eat them. Tell her where the chocolate/sweets are.
Anything like puddings etc just put them in the bin. Play her at her own game. Some people enjoy being feeders.,it is a form of control.
Watch an episode of my 600lb life ; plenty of feeders on there.
She is not being supportive at all. I would question the relationship as well.

daisyjgrey · 14/04/2022 11:25

She says it jokingly, it isn’t said horribly. I need to sort myself out

Like bollocks it is.

You wouldn't wave a glass of wine at an alcoholic and lovingly call them "wino" in an endearing way would you. Crappy behaviour.