Sabotaging my diet

[Fiatpunto86]

I’m one of those on/off dieters - either being really good or really bad. Lockdown wasn’t kind and I gained over 2 stone so trying now to get it off. Partner doesn’t have a weight problem and likes to buy treats - puddings, sweets, chocolates. I’m of course not expecting her not to eat these things just because of me. I’ve noticed though that she’ll leave things around, buy a box of chocolates for example and eat just a couple - knowing I can’t resist. Say she fancies a pudding, buy a chocolate dessert and custard and then say she doesn’t fancy it after all - so it’s just sitting there to tempt me. I realise I’m the person who controls what I eat, it’s completely up to me but I do wonder if she’s sabotaging my efforts on purpose knowing that I’m too weak to resist things. Leaving half a bag of haribo, chocolates etc. When I inevitably do end up eating some she acts horrified, I can’t have anything with you around etc etc. Am I being over sensitive? Why would you purposely make it difficult for your partner to lose weight! She knows how unhappy I am at this weight and that I’m in a rut with it. Like I said - I realise I can/should just ignore the things she buys and I am responsible for what goes in my mouth but I don’t understand why she’d constantly make it hard. Anyone else have any experience of someone that loves them sabotaging them?

Calling you Tubs is disgusting. Other than that, not eating her snacks all in one go is completely normal. Even if she put them away, it doesn't sound as though you would be able to resist them.

"In those scenarios what do you actually expect her to do? Not buy stuff? That doesn't seem fair. Force herself to eat something once its opened or eat a whole pack if she only fancies half, never change her mind about when she eats stuff? That would be controlling."

Buy something and then eat it? That's how I deal with junk food. I don't have it sitting at home.
Or put it in a box?

@VyeBrator

Calling you Tubs is disgusting. Other than that, not eating her snacks all in one go is completely normal. Even if she put them away, it doesn't sound as though you would be able to resist them.

Is OP male or female? Men are often less sensitive about their weight so 'tubs' will have less of an effect. I know it's not always the case, but it is quite often.

If you live with an alcoholic you wouldn't leave bottles around, would you?

Your partner is really insensitive and unsupportive. I’d feel exactly the same

@Fiatpunto86

Thanks, I understand that it’s mainly my issue rather than hers. I think her keeping her stash somewhere else and it not being under my nose would help but I need to control myself. I have a feeling she likes to see me fail though. There’s a box of chocolates she fancied, ate 2 then left just sitting on our coffee table - to me it seems a bit deliberate. To buy a giant tub of haribo sweets and leave them out. She’ll offer me some and then call me “tubs” - playfully but it’s still a bit hurtful. I wonder if she prefers I stay fat but I’m miserable so surely that can’t be it

If you have a feeling your partner likes to see you fail you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Either you’re right and therefore she doesn’t like you and you deserve to be away from that, or you’re wrong and thinking the worst of your partner for no reason which isn’t fair to your partner and isn’t a good situation for you to be in.

Are there reasons you feel like this but don’t end the relationship?

My husband wanted to overhaul his diet completely.....so I joined him to support him of course....I now don't buy anything unhealthy...I cook only healthy food and ensure he eats regular meals.....I am in no need to lose weight but will always support him....your partner is not supporting you...good luck

V odd of her to buy a box of chocolates and tub of sweets. Most people don’t do that, partner avoiding the foods or not.

I'm very similar to you OP and it's so unhelpful when people comment that you need to have more self control etc. It's not like it's something you can pick up in Tesco's.

DP has a bad snack habit and likes having plenty of stock around whereas I usually buy as I go as otherwise I'll eat the lot. To get round this we have assigned a cupboard as a snack cupboard and all the chocolate and crisps are in there. If I don't see it I'm usually OK (with the occasional slip-up). I would not be happy with someone leaving open boxes of chocolate around without putting them away. Apart from it being messy, it's just unnecessary temptation. It's unkind and don't get me started on tubs....it's not affectionate, it's judgemental and mean.

Your partner is trying to prevent you losing weight, I have no doubt. I seen those behaviour within my extended family. Mu cousin was trying to lose weight before being a bridesmaid, she's a very very quiet girl, with her partner since they were teenagers, two children together and pretty happy, she stuck at the diet, lost weight, looked great in her bridesmaids dress and then started dressing differently after the wedding, it was like the wedding gave her confidence. She gained weight back slowly and when she started dieting again her partner used to arrive home with takeaway pizza after his sports (never did when she wasn't dieting), she'd cook dinner but he'd say he didn't fancy it and go for fish and chips, he'd bring the food home and eat it in front of her, he also did like your partner leaving sweets etc to tempt her. Eventually he wore her down and she stopped dieting, they're still together, seem happy but her health is suffering because of her weight, its quite sad and all because he didn't like it when she gained confidence and became more outgoing, she would have never cheated on him or anything like that so he had no reason to worry.

Yes, but not deliberately. DH likes to show his love through food. If I am tired or upset he wants to 'treat' me with takeaway. If he is in charge of a meal he goes way overboard on quantities (and doesn't even check what we already have before he goes shopping, but that is another issue!)

Have you spoken to her about it? What was her response?

Honestly, just have a conversation with her. Tell her you find it difficult when she leaves her food lying around, and could she help you to stick to your eating plan by not doing that. Also that it hurts your feelings when she calls you 'tubs'.

If she doesn't get it and doesn't make any effort to change her behaviour, then you will need to think about how to deal with that. That's a much more serious situation.

I honestly don't think your partner is doing this on purpose but what I do think is that they could be more supportive - but perhaps they don't understand how their behaviour is making it really tricky for you.

It might be worth explaining that it feels really important to you to try to make steps towards healthier living, explain your struggles and outline what is helpful/unhelpful. Most importantly - come up with a plan. You could ask your partner to make an effort to buy only enough treats for themselves, to tidy them away when finished or even to find a personal space to store the treats. You could even offer some steps that you will take so that they feel it's a two way street. Sometimes people are more willing to help when we help ourselves too (as hard as that is sometimes).

I just want to send hugs your way and to say I can completely relate to what you are saying. I have found it very difficult to get on top of my health and I often don't understand why I know the arm I am doing to my body but I still continue. I quite honestly think it is an addiction and if this is the same for you - that is why it's so difficult but also why it's really important to be creative with plans, have open communication and seek support in trying to 'break the habits'. Small steps at a time, be kind to yourself and don't write yourself off after a bad day/week. I believe in you - you've got this.

@Muppetlove

Pour some bleach or detergent on the food then you won't be tempted

I hope you're joking.

. She’ll offer me some and then call me “tubs” - playfully but it’s still a bit hurtful. I wonder if she prefers I stay fat but I’m miserable so surely that can’t be it

It is it. Recognise this. She does want you to stay fat. Her insecurities mean she wants you to stay fat. In her mind, if you get slim your confidence might go up and you might start looking for someone "better" than her. So she wants to keep you fat and miserable and in your place as the one with issues in the relationship.

It's toxic but very human and you need to talk it out with her. It might be behaviour she hasn't even acknowledged to herself that she's doing, but it's very real. If she refuses to compromise in any way, then you have to think about whether she's a real supportive partner or not.

Have a set dedicated cupboard where they go unless she's actually eating them at the time.

I have teenagers who leave things around me all the time. Occasionally I end up eating some of them, but I am learning self control and the ability to resist as I can't expect them to do without. But she should put away open packets, etc.

knowing I can’t resist

I have a weakness for sweet things and find it difficult to stop eating once I start.

If there is one thing that makes me determined to stick to whatever I have set myself to do, it would to you demonstrate to myself that I can control myself.

I have a feeling she likes to see me fail though.

If I really felt that that was how my partner felt, I think I would know that the relationship was over.

If you are serious about getting some control in the area of wasting especially sugar, you might find some of Gillian Riley's work on eating less helpful. https://gillianriley.comm*

Start going running. Burn off the excess calories. Bag up her treats and put them away into a cupboard. Out of sight, out of mind. When I was younger I used to be a compulsive eater, had to eat the entire cake/box/packet of anything edible. It was fine when I didn't have any treats in the house. But when the children arrived, treats creeped back into the house. I physically keep their treats in the garage, so that they don't tempt me. Although I know I have improved. Over Christmas we had boxes of chocolates on the table and I wasn't bothered by them at all. I no longer have that urge to consume everything. I tell myself it's okay, there's plenty, and they'll still be there tomorrow. When they're gone, I tell myself, that's good, saves me eating them and getting fat!

You sound like my partner. If I buy a box of chocolates and don't eat them all straight away, I'll come down in the morning and they'll all be gone because he thought I "didn't want/like them." His self control is the problem. I'm so fucking fed up with him.

Tell her not to call you names or comment on your weight. That's not acceptable.

Next time she "jokes" about your weight laugh and tell her she's starting to put on some weight herself and is she trying to catch up with you? Then if she takes offense just say you were just joking like she was.

Don't give up on your weight loss, you can still have the odd treat. Think how satisfying it will be to succeed in spite of her and "playfully" rub it in her face that her sabotage attempts did not work

I’ve struggled with this since I was 13.. clearly my issues run deeper with dieting.

However, finally during lockdown I lost 3 stone and it was all down to the Low carb high fat ‘diet’

I no longer crave sugar and I’m feeling amazing which is helping my mindset hugely.

Check out the low carb boot camp thread. It’s been my saviour

@Viostep

Next time she "jokes" about your weight laugh and tell her she's starting to put on some weight herself and is she trying to catch up with you? Then if she takes offense just say you were just joking like she was.

Don't give up on your weight loss, you can still have the odd treat. Think how satisfying it will be to succeed in spite of her and "playfully" rub it in her face that her sabotage attempts did not work

I think when the relationship has descended into being the Twits, it’s time to end it.

Why lower yourself to ‘joking’ in that way or spiting and rubbing stuff in your partners face, just leave and be happy, don’t stay and be miserable, spiteful and force yourself to be an arsehole. Keep being a good person, make yourself and your life the best it can be and move on.

Have you explained how much you’re struggling with her treats around and that you would appreciate some actual support from your partner rather than teasing?

This sounds deliberate to me. You’ve got a relationship issue rather than a weight loss one.

@IKnowMarty Maybe it's childish, but sometimes people don't see their behaviour until its reflected back at them. Maybe she'll think twice and become more supportive.

I wouldn't instantly say to dump her though. Sometimes we all can be insensitive. Communicate more then see what happens

I really don't think it's on for her to call you Tubs.
Unless it is truly loving and you like it. But it sounds like that's not it.

But I can recognise my own behaviour in your DP - and mine defo isn't a power play thing with DH on food as he is generally healthier and fitter than me so I'm just posting for perspective.

Example - I was given a lovely box of chocs for Mother's Day. They are sitting on the side table in the lounge. I occasionally see them, fancy one, and eat it. Then I do not for days. If they got hidden in a drawer, I'd really genuinely forget them. So they need to be out or I just won't eat them. And I can always eat one or two and then just leave it. And I do the pudding thing too. Think I really fancy it when hungry and at supermarket then too full after supper and don't want it.

I've got a good friend who will not eat biscuits as she knows she will not be able to stop if she starts until the packet is gone. Two biscuits is just my limit and I couldn't eat a whole packet. It's just the way people are wired in my opinion.

But my issue is alcohol and I do need to be really mindful on that not to drink every day. And I know I buy far more clothes than I need, just because I see something new and I like it...

We all have our Achilles heel.

I think she does need to keep her chocs and treats in a box - ideally somewhere you don't know about - and work with you not against you on this. She can always put a reminder to pop up on her phone if she thinks she will forget them.

It really doesn't feel like she "gets it" at the moment and isn't being at all kind or empathic.

Thank you all so much for the comments and advice. I think I do have a sugar addiction. I will have a chat with her later on about the treats everywhere and see if things change. I’ve genuinely never thought that her “tubs” comments were said unkindly/nastily - just jovial. Someone mentioned gaslighting, I really don’t think this is the case but I’m going to be mindful of it from now on. We’re both girls - someone asked above.
Thanks again, I appreciate all the comments.