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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just learnt to drive and already have demands from inlaws to visit them

51 replies

NewCarDemands · 14/04/2022 09:57

My husband can't drive, he has tried many times but has failed many driving tests. I have just learnt to drive in my 30's. I'm most likely autistic and have anxiety issues and driving is quite difficult for me. I learned in an automatic and just passed last Friday with 1 minor error. I learned to be able to take my autistic son to school, otherwise it would have been 2 bus rides on a morning. We have not even got a car yet and already have received demands from inlaws to visit them (1 hour and a half drive away and I have not driven on a motorway yet). Specifically from sister in law. She barely ever visits us (once a year maximum) and only when she can get a free lift from her mum, brother or aunt.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed by it since we have not even got the car yet. I want to build my confidence in town on roads I know before driving on a motorway as well. She also asked my husband and not me who will be doing the driving. And there is a backstory of her being quite demanding.

OP posts:
WinniesHunny · 14/04/2022 10:01

You'll find that motorway driving is actually easier than around town. Yes the speed is higher but everyone is going the same direction, usually at a similar speed and the chances of someone shooting out of a junction is minimal. Well done on passing.

ImBurtMacklin · 14/04/2022 10:03

How was it worded? A “oh that’s great she passed, means you can visit us” is acceptable in my eyes.

Finfintytint · 14/04/2022 10:03

Well done. Take your time and build up your confidence. Just ignore any pressure from others.

StrangeCondition · 14/04/2022 10:05

Well when did you last visit them? Just because you don't have a car doesn't mean they should be responsible for coming to you every time

IsDaveThere · 14/04/2022 10:06

How is she expecting you to visit when you don't have a car?

I wouldn't give in to any demands, go when you are ready and not before. Your DP needs to make that clear!

TeapotCollection · 14/04/2022 10:07

Not the point of your thread but unless things have changed I’m fairly sure a learner can’t drive on a motorway

Seeline · 14/04/2022 10:09

A learner can go on the motorway with a proper instructor.

WinniesHunny · 14/04/2022 10:11

Don't suppose it matters what learners can or can't do considering OP isn't a learner anymore.

Svalberg · 14/04/2022 10:11

@TeapotCollection

Not the point of your thread but unless things have changed I’m fairly sure a learner can’t drive on a motorway
They can, in a dual control car. But nobody here has said that a learner should drive on the motorway?
AmandaHoldensLips · 14/04/2022 10:12

@Finfintytint

Well done. Take your time and build up your confidence. Just ignore any pressure from others.
^ This.
FuriousCheekyFucker · 14/04/2022 10:14

@TeapotCollection

Not the point of your thread but unless things have changed I’m fairly sure a learner can’t drive on a motorway
No, but someone who has passed (like the OP) can.

What was your point again?

NoToLandfill · 14/04/2022 10:17

Agree and then never actually make plans to go and visit. And don't visit. There you go. She's happy you're happy

Original poster
NewCarDemands · 14/04/2022 10:20

Well when did you last visit them? Just because you don't have a car doesn't mean they should be responsible for coming to you every time Sil doesn't visit unless she can get a lift from another family member. She can drive but doesn't like spending money on petrol. She visits once a year maximum. Before we had dc she didn't visit even once. We had to do all the travelling there by bus and train. Its a 2 and a hour to 3 hour journey with trains and buses.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 14/04/2022 10:22

Exactly what Finfintytint said. Also, they can visit you. Once you are more comfortable with driving you can alternate visiting them and they travel to visit you.

redpandaalert · 14/04/2022 10:27

You don’t have a car and when you do you can also not afford the petrol…. Just ignore her it’s not a demand but a request. Your main priority is to get you son to school, I still take my teenager ASD DS via car to school each day he can’t stand the noise and uncertainty of public transport. Well done for passing your test. Good luck finding a car - choose one with a large rear window is my advice gives you much more visibility when you are starting to drive

TeapotCollection · 14/04/2022 10:35

OP said the journey involves driving on a motorway and that SIL had asked who would be doing the driving. I was just letting her know that her husband can’t drive there

BuanoKubiamVej · 14/04/2022 10:36

Yanbu and its quite alright to refuse this kind invitation demand. You have no obligation.

Congratulations on learning to drive. Your skill and confidence will improve with practice. It was 3 years before I felt confident enough to book myself some motorway lessons so that I could do longer journeys. But even once you are confident on motorways you don't owe any relatives the service of doing the driving so that they don't have to. Visit them if you want to of course, and invite them in return if you want to, or find appropriate family attractions half way between you to meet for a day trip.

gemsgv · 14/04/2022 10:41

This is just the start. Once you can drive, the expectations by some non-drivers never really stop

Levriers · 14/04/2022 10:43

@TeapotCollection

OP said the journey involves driving on a motorway and that SIL had asked who would be doing the driving. I was just letting her know that her husband can’t drive there
She didn’t mean that I don’t think ? She meant “She also asked my husband & not me (who will be doing the driving) “
Zilla1 · 14/04/2022 10:44

'Isn't it lovely I'll eventually be able to drive to visit everyone. As soon as I've got some confidence from a few years of driving locally and had some more lessons for motorway driving... I'm so envious of all of you experienced drivers. When do you plan on driving here next and we'll make sure we're free....'

SockFluffInTheBath · 14/04/2022 10:45

Just say no. Doesn’t sound like you’re especially close and desperate to see them. Say you don’t have the confidence to drive that distance, you’re not ready for a long trip etc just don’t be put out if they don’t come to you (doesn’t sound like you are anyway!).

MoiraNotRuby · 14/04/2022 10:46

@NoToLandfill

Agree and then never actually make plans to go and visit. And don't visit. There you go. She's happy you're happy
This! And congratulations on passing!
mumda · 14/04/2022 10:49

Congratulations on passing.
First step get a car and enjoy driving!

LynetteScavo · 14/04/2022 10:53

If feels like a demand because you don't want to do it. It was most probably meant as a friendly invitation. Just say "Oh thank you" and never put it in your diary.

Or be very busy. They can't force you to visit them.

Heythere13 · 14/04/2022 11:00

Bloody hell. There must be a backstory

Because on the basis of this - you are finally able to drive to visit family and a family member has expressed enthusiasm for you doing so