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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just learnt to drive and already have demands from inlaws to visit them

51 replies

NewCarDemands · 14/04/2022 09:57

My husband can't drive, he has tried many times but has failed many driving tests. I have just learnt to drive in my 30's. I'm most likely autistic and have anxiety issues and driving is quite difficult for me. I learned in an automatic and just passed last Friday with 1 minor error. I learned to be able to take my autistic son to school, otherwise it would have been 2 bus rides on a morning. We have not even got a car yet and already have received demands from inlaws to visit them (1 hour and a half drive away and I have not driven on a motorway yet). Specifically from sister in law. She barely ever visits us (once a year maximum) and only when she can get a free lift from her mum, brother or aunt.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed by it since we have not even got the car yet. I want to build my confidence in town on roads I know before driving on a motorway as well. She also asked my husband and not me who will be doing the driving. And there is a backstory of her being quite demanding.

OP posts:
Redcrayons · 14/04/2022 11:01

Congratulations!! It’s a great achievement.

Agree with others, say yes, sounds great and never do it.

Once you’ve got your car, just get out practicing as much as you can. The more you do the easier it becomes. The hardest part of the motorway driving is getting on it. Once you’re on it it’s just a long straight road. Either get some lessons or get someone to practice a few times with you.

Fulmine · 14/04/2022 11:07

Congratulations on passing your test!

Dealing with SIL is fairly straightforward, isn't it? No, we can't visit, we haven't got a car. Then, when you do get one, keep very quiet about it. She's not going to find out till you do manage to drive there, is she? Which sounds like it will be a long way down the line.

By the way, you can book lessons in motorway driving even though you've passed. I did one, and it was really helpful in overcoming my initial fears.

Sally872 · 14/04/2022 11:12

Possibly they are excited at the chance to see you more now that it is a little easier. Being excited you could visits not the same as demanding that you do. Also if they don't drive they may not realise you aren't confident enough yet.

They want to see you that's nice. Don't allow it to make you feel pressure just go when you are ready and make sure they know they are welcome to come to you in the meantime.

babyjellyfish · 14/04/2022 11:19

Congratulations on passing your test, OP.

Don't worry about this.

Wait until you have got a car and then focus on building up your confidence. Consider doing Pass Plus (is that still a thing?) or getting some additional lessons if you want to learn how to drive on the motorway safely.

Only drive to visit your in laws when you feel ready.

yellowsuninthesky · 14/04/2022 11:20

Well done on passing OP. Just ignore the demands, drive when and where you want when you are ready.

And remember that despite the "MN law" that if you won't go on a motorway you shouldn't be driving at all (for the avoidance of doubt, this "law" is utter nonsense), there are these things called A and B roads and you can use those to do even longer journeys if you don't mind it taking longer.

picklemewalnuts · 14/04/2022 11:28

Say 'yes, that will be great. So much easier than messing about with public transport, like we used to. I can take turns driving with you and your parents, now.'

crazybunnygirl · 14/04/2022 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 14/04/2022 15:04

Well done, OP. 🚗

Take your time to save for and choose the right car for you (I always have red ones, no excuse not to be seen) and to get used to driving locally, and with passengers - that might be a bit of a challenge for you, I prefer to drive alone.

Any demands from SIL should be ignored.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 14/04/2022 15:04

@crazybunnygirl

CwzCxdccc errrl Awww lllerseserlle
U ok hun?
ComDummings · 14/04/2022 15:08

“Yes, once I have a car and feel confident on motorways we will arrange to visit. I have a lot of practicing to do though to get my confidence up” repeat as required.

mathanxiety · 14/04/2022 15:32

Just say how nice it will be once you have a car and a good deal of practice, and how much you're looking forward to it.

You don't have to promise her anything, or set a date for your visit.

You don't have to do things just because she insists, or even if she drops broad hints.

2bazookas · 14/04/2022 15:35

Just reply " I have a driving license but no car. We are saving up to buy a car. All donations/contributions welcome".

Norgie · 14/04/2022 15:37

Just say no.
When I passed my test donkeys years ago I used to get...
Could you just......no!
Would you just.....no!
I wondered if.......no!
I passed my test for my convenience, not someone else's.
People stopped asking pretty sharpish.

mamawho99 · 14/04/2022 15:45

Congrats on passing!!

Perhaps she just said it as a passing comment. I think a lot of people say "ooh you can visit me now that you've passed" but they don't really mean it?

I would just say "yes, I'll visit one day in the future" and just don't. Or you can just be honest and say you're nervous enough driving around where you live let alone anywhere else.

I passed 2 years ago and I still won't go further than the little town I live in. I just tell people that and some of them judge but leave them to it!

Duchess379 · 14/04/2022 16:54

@TeapotCollection

Not the point of your thread but unless things have changed I’m fairly sure a learner can’t drive on a motorway

She's not a learner, she passed on Friday. She doesn't have a car, which definitely makes being on a motorway impossible.

TheCatterall · 14/04/2022 21:07

Any of these are suitable answers.

No.

Or

I’m not comfortable driving that distance.

Or

Maybe one day in the future but for now feel free to drive to us and visit.

Any of them are good to use.

Unless you also dislike them. In which case stick with - No.

Valeriekat · 15/04/2022 09:28

@Seeline

A learner can go on the motorway with a proper instructor.
Only in a dual control car. OP has passed her test. Congratulations! Diving once on the motorway is straightforward but getting on the motorway can be confusing (thinking A12 to M25N). Build up your confidence by driving locally. Don't do it until you feel ready. I would be pretty outraged if I wasn't asked directly. You aren't a taxi driver.
Ikeptgoing · 15/04/2022 09:45

Tell DH to reply "it's not possible. We will eat you know if and when it becomes possible but please stop asking right now" back to SIL when she demands he ask you to drive to them to visit her house. DH doesn't need to expand on it

But

  1. You don't have a car yet
  2. You've only just passed And have learnt one route so will take practice to build up your confidence
  3. It's a long drive for a new driver and includes motorways so you will want to arrange a post passing lesson (or lessons) on motorway driving (all driving instructors offer this, I did one motorway lesson after passing and it was great, joining motorway from slip road is initially scary!!) ) once you feel ready to drive on a motorway and want to learn/ practice.
LannieDuck · 15/04/2022 09:57

Can I recommend doing a pass plus course?

They help to familiarise new drivers with situations you don't get in the standard driving course - night driving, motor way driving, small country lanes etc.

www.gov.uk/pass-plus

DelphiniumBlue · 15/04/2022 10:07

It's all a bit academic as you don't have a car yet! You might find that you enjoy driving, I've got friends who love driving fast on a motorway! Personally I hate it, and would rather take the train, but that's just me.
You don't need to do or say anything at the moment.

luckylavender · 15/04/2022 10:14

Demands or requests? Anyway you don't have to go.

femfemlicious · 15/04/2022 10:18

How was it a demand though. She didnt even ask you, she asked your husband. Obvioudly your husband kniws you dont have a car. Simply tell your husband that even when you get a car you need to drive for a while before you can drive long distances. Your husband will pass on the message. Simples. No everything needs to be a big drama.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/04/2022 10:23

What did she actually say? Was it really a demand?

CakeAmbushAlert · 15/04/2022 10:28

Well done on passing!

BattledoreAndShuttlecock · 15/04/2022 10:32

@Heythere13

Bloody hell. There must be a backstory

Because on the basis of this - you are finally able to drive to visit family and a family member has expressed enthusiasm for you doing so

That's how I see it tbh. Their son has been unable to visit because neither he nor his partner can drive (and therefore they don't have a car). Now she's passed, and getting a car is definitely going to happen they'd naturally leap to the effect that this has on their life: the fact that DS and DDIL will soon be able to visit with the grandchildren. This is entirely normal human behaviour.

DSIL sounds like a CF to be fair.