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Original poster

Is this ‘just kids being kids’?

58 replies

Irritatedmum · 13/04/2022 21:40

DD is in year 3, all the children are 7 or 8.

They’ve all coupled up this year, lots of boyfriends and girlfriends going on. All very innocent and sweet.

But she’s started more recently to mention things, because it sounds like her little boyfriend is very popular. So girls - her friends - have been:
*trying to ‘split them up’
*telling the boy DD doesn’t like him anymore to try to get him to dump her
*one close friend told DD she likes him more so DD should ‘let her go out with him’
*told DD that ‘she doesn’t deserve him’ and that she should dump him so she can go out with him herself.

This isn’t the same girl saying it, it’s 2 or 3 different girls. The ‘doesn’t deserve him’ comment in particular has riled me - if this was a teenager I’d be bloody horrified.

Is this normal at this age?? How on earth do I deal with it? I want DD to be in a position where she has strong friendships, friends who support each other, and to me that all begins now, surely?

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/04/2022 07:15

My DS is in year 4 and none of this goes on.

Newuser82 · 14/04/2022 07:26

My son is in year 4 and at the beginning of the year there was talk like this and people having 'crushes' on each other. He hasn't mentioned it for ages though.

Anyfeckinusername · 14/04/2022 07:41

My dd is Y3 and the girlfriend/boyfriend thing rose up in Y1, disappeared in Y2 and there is not really much of this stuff now at 8years old…

Younger DC is now 6, in Y1 and it’s starting in his class but no - to answer your question, that kind of logic / questioning / positioning / fighting hasn’t been a factor of the bf/gf discussions at all and it doesn’t sound right at all!

The worst I’ve heard is my son daily declaring he DOESNT gave a crush on child A, unprompted, which makes it clear as day he definitely does!

MooseBreath · 14/04/2022 07:49

Having been a teacher, this is normal depending on the class. Some girls are a "mature" 7-9 and think of themselves as teenagers. Those children in particular often are interested in makeup and fashion, but not always. A lot also have older siblings and watch things like Love Island.

5128gap · 14/04/2022 08:01

@MooseBreath

Having been a teacher, this is normal depending on the class. Some girls are a "mature" 7-9 and think of themselves as teenagers. Those children in particular often are interested in makeup and fashion, but not always. A lot also have older siblings and watch things like Love Island.
This. They're copying behaviour and parroting things they've heard on these shows. No child spontaneously comes up with the 'you don't deserve him' cliche. It's not child language. Theres nothing you can do about the other girls doing this, unless it steps over into bullying, so all you can do is talk to your DD. Make sure she knows where the behaviour comes from, ie that it's not real, or true, or about her, it's just the copying of an unpleasant adult behaviour they've seen on TV.
bhooks · 14/04/2022 08:43

"Normal" as in not particularly unusual? Then yes, normal.

"Normal" as in healthy and kids should just be left to get on with it? Then no not normal.

We shouldn't ignore the first signs of unhealthy attitudes to relationships/human interactions at any point, be they friendship, romantic relationships, general social behaviour, etc. We should be proactively ensuring children grow up with healthier attitudes. Nip unhealthy attitudes in the bud.

I'd talk to my child and to the class teacher.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 14/04/2022 08:46

DDs class was a bit like this last year. No nastiness that I know of though.

All passed it now in Yr4, she has a nice group of friends both male and female.

ringoutthebells · 14/04/2022 08:49

@MooseBreath

Having been a teacher, this is normal depending on the class. Some girls are a "mature" 7-9 and think of themselves as teenagers. Those children in particular often are interested in makeup and fashion, but not always. A lot also have older siblings and watch things like Love Island.
People let their 7-9 year olds watch Love Island? 😳

I also think it depends on the class. There's been a bit of the bf/gf thing in my dd's class in both reception & y1 but no 'rivalry' issues as yet, and dd6 wants nothing to do with any bf as yet! Grin Some of the parents do seem to encourage it a bit and make a thing out of it once it's come up, kind of putting an adult lens on it, which I'm sure encourages the children. One of the dds doing this though, apparently there has been nothing of the sort in her older sister's class so I think it just depends.

SnowyPetals · 14/04/2022 09:00

Both my DC went to a mixed primary school. Even by the time they left at the end of Y6 there was none of this going on. I think they are too young and not normal in my experience.

Parentcarerandcrazy · 14/04/2022 09:05

My 7yo DD has had 'boyfriends' since Reception - as in, she will say 'X is my boyfriend now' and they might colour in pictures for each other 😅
My 6yo DS has a long-term girlfriend 🤣 they say they are in love and she sometimes kisses him on the hand! Its still completely sweet and innocent and never been through any kind of rocky periods or drama.
The stuff your child is being told is not appropriate for their age group though, I would be having a word with school.

Parentcarerandcrazy · 14/04/2022 09:13

@MooseBreath

Having been a teacher, this is normal depending on the class. Some girls are a "mature" 7-9 and think of themselves as teenagers. Those children in particular often are interested in makeup and fashion, but not always. A lot also have older siblings and watch things like Love Island.
Jesus! Love Island is NOT appropriate for even a 9yo. I honestly would be speaking to school about that. I know people have different parenting styles but that is honestly just awful. Is there a watered down version for before the watershed? I live in a rural area and to some extent I think the kids round here don't grow up as quick as urban kids but is that sort of thing standard?
AlexaShutUp · 14/04/2022 09:24

There was a bit of this in dd's school in reception. The school actively discouraged it and it stopped. There was nothing further really until dd was in Year 6. I don't think it's healthy tbh, and I would be having a word with the school to ask if they could help to address it. The idea of kids falling out over boyfriends/girlfriends at 8 is awful.

I think lots of parents unwittingly encourage this kind of thing because they find it cute or funny, but the kids just aren't old enough to deal with it.

Santaslittlemelter · 14/04/2022 09:29

@Irritatedmum

To my DD having a boyfriend is just the most innocent thing really - sort of the boy she is most friendly with at that moment if you see what I mean. So it didn’t bother me until now. All this other talk is coming from other girls, or even maybe just one of the girls and they’re all learning it.
Yes but you can still put boundaries in place for her. She’s essentially role playing an adult thing no matter how ‘innocent’ that comes across. I think it would be a good idea to start backing her off the idea of boyfriends. And tell her clearly that just because you like a boy doesn’t mean he is a boyfriend, he’s a friend. And that she won’t have boyfriends till she is about 15 or older. And when she says her boyfriend be clear, it’s a game where they are pretending about boyfriends and girlfriends and if it’s turning nasty, she doesn’t need to play this game anymore and should extract herself.

You are endorsing the idea that there are real boyfriends which is a mistake I think.

littlebird2 · 14/04/2022 09:33

My dd is only in reception and this sort of thing terrifies me. It's not happening yet obviously. I went to an all girls school so never experienced the boyfriend thing until 16+. I think it's mad children take about this so young.
I would definitely speak with the teacher.

AlexaShutUp · 14/04/2022 09:35

You are endorsing the idea that there are real boyfriends which is a mistake I think.

I agree. They don't need exclusive "boyfriend"/"girlfriend" relationships at this age, it's much better to help them understand that they're all just "friends". And that they can have as many friends as they like.

Suprima · 14/04/2022 09:39

This is really common to have them playing out boyfriend/girlfriends, even from Year 2! I just tell the children in my class that they are too young for boyfriends and girlfriends and it does fizzle out pretty quickly.

The only thing that concerns me is the language being used here. I would be really concerned that the girls are watching things like MAFS, Love Island and soaps to pick this up. I would speak to the teacher and see if a circle time could be done, and they also may be able to have a 1:1 chat with the ones acting the most teenage to work out why.

Original poster
Irritatedmum · 14/04/2022 09:48

I’d be absolutely horrified if any of the kids are watching Love Island. I’ve never seen it and never want to, but I know it’s definitely not appropriate for children. That hadn’t even occurred to me.

OP posts:
kimfox · 14/04/2022 09:51

I have 3 DC, youngest currently Y5 and we never had any of this but reading this I'm quite shocked that perhaps it is "normal". I mean there's been the occasional x is y'all girlfriend / boyfriend but not like this with everyone getting involved & playing at relationships in such an in depth way. Mind is a bit boggled tbh.

froidIci · 14/04/2022 09:52

See - we don’t consider any of this “innocent and sweet” because the slope - as you evidently are seeing - is slippery.

DS in year 1 and has had his share of these things already but we have told him firmly that he’s far too young for all this and when Ella said she wanted to marry him - he said “my parents said we are too young for all this leave me alone”. Will try same with DD who is younger.

Me and spouse come from v different continents and cultures and both agree that none of this is innocent and sweet at this stage. It’s a slippery slope and they could really do without the distraction

ringoutthebells · 14/04/2022 10:22

'I think lots of parents unwittingly encourage this kind of thing because they find it cute or funny, but the kids just aren't old enough to deal with it.'

Agree with this.

Threetulips · 14/04/2022 10:22

and I would be having a word with the school to ask if they could help to address it

Why ‘Hi teacher I think it’s sweet DD has a boyfriend and all her friends are being mean and jealous’

Don’t you think teachers spend enough time dealing with these kids falling out because parents actively encourage it? Then what happens is the boy dumps one girls and dates another causing more upset - and round it goes

Stop thinking it’s sweet and tell her she can’t have a boyfriend til she’s 30! That will take the pressure off her because before you were agreeing with it.

ThePants999 · 14/04/2022 10:23

Blimey. When I was in primary school, in the early 90s, none of this happened, not until secondary school.

Snowballtorch · 14/04/2022 10:24

I know this is not necessarily uncommon, but I don't think it is normal behaviour at this age either. In your shoes I would be speaking with the school to make them aware of the impact on your DD and to ask them to address the issue.

There was nothing of the sort at our DD's school, until a new girl joined the class in Y5 and then it became a big problem, with issues just as you describe. It caused much upset and divided friendship groups. The school were aware and did what they could, but by Y5 their influence was limited because much of it was conducted on WhatsApp outside of school (another issue in itself). In our case the girl who was instigating it had quite a difficult home life and had been exposed to far too much for her age. Whilst very sad for the girl, I was very concerned about what my DD was being exposed to as a result.

Our DD was badly impacted early on and then removed herself as much as she could, but at the cost of feeling like an outsider. We were very relieved when the girl went to a different secondary school and fortunately, there has been nothing like it in our DD's new school.

Y3 is very young to be dealing with this sort of thing and I hope the school are able to nip it in the bud.

AlexaShutUp · 14/04/2022 10:40

@Threetulips

and I would be having a word with the school to ask if they could help to address it

Why ‘Hi teacher I think it’s sweet DD has a boyfriend and all her friends are being mean and jealous’

Don’t you think teachers spend enough time dealing with these kids falling out because parents actively encourage it? Then what happens is the boy dumps one girls and dates another causing more upset - and round it goes

Stop thinking it’s sweet and tell her she can’t have a boyfriend til she’s 30! That will take the pressure off her because before you were agreeing with it.

No, I am not suggesting that the OP asks the teachers to deal with the other kids being "mean and jealous" about the dd's so-called boyfriend. I'm suggesting that she asks the school to intervene to discourage all of the boyfriend/girlfriend nonsense altogether.

I'm sure that teachers do indeed spend lots of time dealing with this crap, which is exactly why the school needs to intervene and nip it in the bud. Boyfriend/girlfriend talk isn't inevitable at this age. There will always be stupid parents who encourage it, so the school has to set the tone and discourage this kind of role play because the kids clearly aren't old enough to cope with it, as the OP's post clearly demonstrates. That's what my dd's school did, and I'm grateful to them for taking such a sensible approach.

ThisUserIsNamed · 14/04/2022 10:43

It is completely inappropriate behaviour. These children will be copying what they see adults do, be it at home or television. The language used shows this is not an innocent game of house. A 7/8 year olds games ought to be climbing trees as their pirate ship, taking their dolls to the dotors etc, not fighting over boys. I would do something like the big life journal to help improve your DDs self esteem. Boys are not a prize to be won, she is. And there is plenty of time for that. Read plenty of books about women who are celebrated for their achievements. So many girls are valued on their appearance, see older girls and women valued by the passing words of Boys and men.

Does your DD have access to Internet unsupervised, snap chat,ma TV in her room or anything elsr? It may be something she is seeing or It may just be how other children have formed the 'games'. Make sure your DD isn't directly being exposed to anything she shouldn't be.

Try and use this Easter break to reset, to play, Read and connect. Tell her she is too young for these games, for now there are more important things to do, like paint, play pirates/fairies/whatever her jam is and learn.