AIBU to ask - did you know you can just opt out of parenting now?

[Easylittlethrowaway]

According to my son’s dad at least!

Best part is he didn’t even tell me, he just vanished - and then told our sons social worker when she got hold of him (the SW he only has because he’s on a child in need plan because of his dads inability to cope with our sons additional needs). So she kindly phoned to relay the message.

He needs to “take care of himself before he can take care of DS”.

She offered to refer him to some supportive services but he politely declined.

My lucky, lucky son.

What a knob. I’m sorry.

Your son doesn't need that kind of man in his life. Neither do you. You can be all he needs. Do you have any support for you?

At least your son has you.

I could tell you of families where both parents opt out of parenting. If there is no extended family, child ends up being looked after by the local authority (ie, in care).

Not all that uncommon or unusual I am afraid. And nothing new.

Makes me quite angry that parents who just choose to opt out, face no consequences.

Agree with above poster. Be thankful that he is going to stay out of your lives. It will be a million times easier than someone who is consistently trying to obstruct and interfere with what you are doing.

That’s rubbish 💐 for you and your sweet boy

What a waste of skin

Utter wanker. I am so sorry he's a knob.

@FATEdestiny ironically my son has already been through all that too. He is adopted. We were supposed to be his forever. Poor wee thing is only five!

So sorry OP, what a useless arsehole. Does he have any suggestions for what he wants you to tell your son when he asks why his dad abandoned him? I imagine he still expects to be portrayed in a positive light 🙄
You are both better off without him but you know this. Stay strong x

@Easylittlethrowaway how long since your son came to live with you?

@TooManyAnimals94 nope nothing. I’ve told my son his dad is making some bad choices right now but that it’s not a reflection on DS because he has a whole army of people who love him.

@FATEdestiny he has been with me for four and a half years

My eldest dc's dad chose to opt out too. I get it. for you op

Yes I was aware of that, but its generally only if you have a penis that you are allowed to act like a giant one. Apparently its such a disability that yes indeed you can prioritise finding yourself over caring for your actual child.

Mine did the same and left me with dc with significant additional needs and no support.

I actually think its criminal really - undoubtedly shortened my life expectancy. Deadbeat fathers must be held to account.

I know of an adopted ‘dad’ that did this when he and the adoptive mother divorced. The kid was 12 and fully aware. What’s worse is that they had a younger biological child together who he still wanted to see and pay maintenance for. But the 12 year old who by all intends and purpose was legally his responsibility he just dropped. As if she was a pet who was no longer his responsibility now he wasn’t in the house.

Adoptive mother was distraught, kid coped well with it but she was used to abandonment and had been expecting it.

Utterly fucking awful.

four and a half years

Gosh, he has absolutely no excuses then. I did wonder if you were in early stages of newly becoming parents and your husband was struggling to cope with. Which, while still shit is at least an explanation. But this isnt a new adoption. So he's just being a shit parent. Shit person, in fact.

You may get people coming on the thread now OP implying (they won’t say it outright) “Oh well if the child is only adopted it’s different.”

It isn’t. If an adoptive mother walked out on her adopted kid for being too difficult she would be hung, drawn and quartered. But when adoptive dads do it they get sympathy.

Fairly certain a few people on my thread from three weeks into placement called it from the off.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/3153343-Urgent-advice-needed-think-DH-wants-to-give-DS-back

Split with my sons dad 2 weeks ago today. After he assaulted me and I called the police. I was told by his mam a couple of days later that he wanted to see DS. I said this needed to be contact centre only. Since then they've made no effort to move anything forward, he's been paid and bought DS nothing. Knowing full well he left me with no money. I look at DS and I'm heartbroken for him. Even when he was here he didn't do anything, just sat upstairs so DS not even fazed he's gone. How anyone can do this to their children, they are little miracles and deserve so much better. Your son has you. Mine has me. We'll get there. Like many before us. Best of luck to you both.

He will be back when your son is grown up...when all the hard work is done.

It’s yet another blow for your poor little boy OP and you must be distraught. You go through all of that to adopt him only for yet another bad thing to happen to him in your family environment, but you sound like a brilliant caring mum. It’s so horrendous but really, your husband mustn’t have ever felt like a proper, natural father to him. The plaster needed to be ripped off quickly here, good riddance to this man. It would’ve been worse if he’d stayed and your DS picked up on the fact that his dad wasn’t bothered.

That’s so shit, what an absolute arse. Thank goodness he has you

Oh he’s crap, there aren’t really words to say. But yes, you have a right to be angry. Yes, he’s shit.
Build up a life without him, you are obviously a woman capable of an independent and successful life to get to here, and NEVER consider allowing him to crawl back. Just be fucking happy without him.

He’s got you and that’ll be more than enough for DS.

What a shit. My ex did exactly the same and emigrated when DD was a tiny sick baby. Best thing he ever did for us.
I’m not putting flower symbols on this because he can F off and you’ll be fine. As will your DS.

Thanks for all the support everyone.

I should probably clarify that we split up two years ago and he’s had minimal involvement in actually raising DS or addressing his additional needs but he has had him every week for contact at least until now.

My DS has some incredible male role models around him so he isn’t the one losing out. He is the damn prize.