I hate my inlaws and I don't have a real reason

SomeCleverUsername · 2022-04-13T17:59:09+00:00

... or at least I seem to be looking for a reason. I'm fairly certain they hate me too but would never say as much. It's just little things like someone in my extended family died suddenly the other day, DH of course told his family and MIL hasn't even sent me a text. I know this is not a real reason to hate her but it makes me irrationally annoyed. She has been on the phone to him about one of her issues a lot of the last few days. I actually know I'm unreasonable but don't know how to get over my feelings towards them. Not sure what my question is.

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 20:30

People are all different and you might just be incompatible with them

Maisa45 · 13/04/2022 20:56

Is there not more background to this?

Puffykins · 13/04/2022 21:12

My MIL is quite like this too. She didn't even get in touch when my DS (her DGS) was diagnosed with cancer. But she did put a post on Facebook about how awfully tragic it was for her...... I tried so hard for so long but I have now totally given up and our contact is very minimal. It means she hardly sees the children either but is she doesn't put any effort in at all....

saraclara · 13/04/2022 21:31

someone in my extended family died suddenly the other day, DH of course told his family and MIL hasn't even sent me a text.

To be honest, if someone in my son in laws' extended families (so not a parent or a sibling) died, and they weren't with me when I was told about it, I wouldn't text them either. Am I a terrible MIL? I might mention it next time I saw them, but texting wouldn't occur to me.

Bunnybingesoneggs · 13/04/2022 21:43

Surely the less texts off mil the better?

Pyri · 13/04/2022 21:46

someone in my extended family died suddenly the other day, DH of course told his family and MIL hasn't even sent me a text.

My MIL does text me about stuff like this and it really winds me up, she’s being kind and sweet but I find it personally really intrusive and wish she wouldnt.

People are different aren’t they, with different standards and different things they find comforting.

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 21:48

@Pyri

someone in my extended family died suddenly the other day, DH of course told his family and MIL hasn't even sent me a text.

My MIL does text me about stuff like this and it really winds me up, she’s being kind and sweet but I find it personally really intrusive and wish she wouldnt.

People are different aren’t they, with different standards and different things they find comforting.

Yes actually thinking about it I found it a bit intrusive too.

Chamomileteaplease · 13/04/2022 21:50

Yes we would need more examples please! The one given is no good as why would you want further communication from MIL??

I too wouldn't expect a text in these circumstances. Nor want one.

BungleandGeorge · 13/04/2022 21:56

What do you mean by extended family? Presumably not someone you were terribly close to? Would you send MIL a text if she lost a member of extended family? I don’t think I would, I’d remind her son to call more often and check she was ok. Perhaps she’s sent good wishes through your husband? I’m not sure about text being appropriate for bereavements anyway. If it was a significant bereavement I’d phone/ meet/ send a card.

jowly · 13/04/2022 21:59

Another situation where MILs can't win...

Do you really HATE someone for something like this OP?

Original poster

SomeCleverUsername · 13/04/2022 22:10

I don't know what I was expecting. I've been so unbelievably fortunate not to have anyone close to me die before (except very old people) that I have found the whole thing shocking.

I know I'm looking for reasons, I just don't like them and get the feeling it's mutual! Other examples include things like her going on and on about how fortunate I am to have "nice little lie ins" when DH takes his equal share of the early mornings with young DC. I don't think I have ever stayed in bed past 7am in front of her.

OP posts:

POLLYprosecco1 · 13/04/2022 22:11

My mother in law just happens to be the most useless, pathetic woman I have ever met. She and my father in law think nothing of taking money off my husband (their son) at any given opportunity. They also don’t bother with our children because it is just too much effort. Instead, they focus all their attention on their daughter and her children. My husband is successful and she lives in a dirty cramped house. They seem to resent his success and justify to themselves why they don’t need to bother. I honestly don’t think I could have picked a more useless mother in law if I had tried!

Sometimeswinning · 13/04/2022 22:11

Think Hate may be too strong a word for what you feel? My lovely mil would not have reached out to me in the same circumstance. She'd have checked in with me when she saw me. Totally normal behaviour.

Original poster

SomeCleverUsername · 13/04/2022 22:12

@jowly

Another situation where MILs can't win...

Do you really HATE someone for something like this OP?

No, not really hate, you're right.

Think I'm more upset about this death than I originally thought.

OP posts:

Original poster

SomeCleverUsername · 13/04/2022 22:15

@BungleandGeorge

What do you mean by extended family? Presumably not someone you were terribly close to? Would you send MIL a text if she lost a member of extended family? I don’t think I would, I’d remind her son to call more often and check she was ok. Perhaps she’s sent good wishes through your husband? I’m not sure about text being appropriate for bereavements anyway. If it was a significant bereavement I’d phone/ meet/ send a card.

Not parent, spouse, sibling or child but closer than a distant family member. Someone I saw fairly regularly and the death has had a big impact on the family.

I know I would have texted or called, but maybe that would be considered the wrong thing.

OP posts:

PopOfNothing · 13/04/2022 22:39

I get where you are coming from OP. My DH never got on with his mother and I can only tolerate her in very small does. It never made a major impact on my life but its just frustrating, for 20 years I made small talk, never shared anything personal with her even when DH was alive, she either didnt care or was judgemental. There never was any relationship, DH died when DD was young and when she was growing up I mainted contact for the sake of DD. DD is an adult, and now I only ring MIL at Christmas and on her birthday as I no longer need to facilitate a relationship with between her DD, although she isnt close with her but keeps in contact out of duty.

There are so many examples where she does not seem to care, all minor but it accumulates over the years and it just builds bitterness.
My DD got diagnosed with epilepsy when she was a teenager, we told her on the phone and asked if there was any family history of epilepsy, she shut me down immediately and all these years later has yet to ask how DD is. DD has never been invited to Christmasses / birthdays / weddings on DH side of the family. Many years we brought a slightly run down house, and she was aghast that we brought it. She's always looked down at my family.

HarryDresdensLeatherDuster · 13/04/2022 22:48

So sorry to hear about your loss OP.

Yes, I would expect my MiL to message/call/make contact about something that had made me sad. As the mother of three grown children I would definitely contact their partners if they had lost a family member.

HarryDresdensLeatherDuster · 13/04/2022 22:58

Sorry, that was a very personal perspective and I am more aware than I would like to be how toxic some relationships actually are,

Blossomtoes · 13/04/2022 23:01

@saraclara

someone in my extended family died suddenly the other day, DH of course told his family and MIL hasn't even sent me a text.

To be honest, if someone in my son in laws' extended families (so not a parent or a sibling) died, and they weren't with me when I was told about it, I wouldn't text them either. Am I a terrible MIL? I might mention it next time I saw them, but texting wouldn't occur to me.

Same. It’s a very odd thing to get upset about.

CherryRipe1 · 13/04/2022 23:04

Shows a lack of empathy/manners. My friend's brother died and her MIL whom she gets on with okay didn't even send flowers, card or even a perfunctory duty text! Some people- sheesh!

saraclara · 13/04/2022 23:51

@CherryRipe1

Shows a lack of empathy/manners. My friend's brother died and her MIL whom she gets on with okay didn't even send flowers, card or even a perfunctory duty text! Some people- sheesh!

That's a sibling though. Not extended family.

I think I'm a pretty decent MIL. I've not had any complaints and my sons in law seem to tolerate my company with warmth and good humour. But I know next to nothing about their extended family (immediate is another thing) and they've never shared anything that makes me think they're especially close to any of them. So no, I wouldn't text, but might mention it if I saw them reasonably soon after I heard.

If they lost a sibling? I'd be round there offering support and comfort as soon as I heard.

ManateeFair · 14/04/2022 01:51

I love my MIL and we get on really well, but I wouldn’t expect her to text me because an extended family member of mine had died. We don’t text each other at all tbh.

I’m not really sure why you’d want a text from your MIL if you hate her?

PermanentTemporary · 14/04/2022 01:58

I think a loss in your circle that affects you can make relationships that you feel are more duty than love harder to deal with.

My in-laws are really lovely and I have absolutely no excuse for it but I did sometimes experience the relationship with them as incredibly hard work just because nothing could be assumed between us, their assumptions and mine were just a bit askew on every single subject, large and small. It wasn't relaxing to be with them tbh. That's the nature of in-laws I think. In my case dh struggled with seeing them even though they all adored each other because of poor mh and it meant I sometimes took the main role in seeing them.

I think seek support in your shock and try not to focus on your in-laws just now, they inevitably aren't going to give you what you're looking for.

mycatisannoying · 14/04/2022 02:08

The texting you about your relative is irrelevant, in a way. If it wasn't this, it'd only be something else you'd be annoyed at her about (I say her, because it seems you were expecting to hear from MIL).

DSGR · 14/04/2022 02:16

Can’t believe you’d expect her to text your about a death of an extended family member! Seems an odd thing for you to get upset about to be honest