Page 2 | I hate my inlaws and I don't have a real reason

SomeCleverUsername · 2022-04-13T17:59:09+00:00

... or at least I seem to be looking for a reason. I'm fairly certain they hate me too but would never say as much. It's just little things like someone in my extended family died suddenly the other day, DH of course told his family and MIL hasn't even sent me a text. I know this is not a real reason to hate her but it makes me irrationally annoyed. She has been on the phone to him about one of her issues a lot of the last few days. I actually know I'm unreasonable but don't know how to get over my feelings towards them. Not sure what my question is.

namechangealerttt · 14/04/2022 02:59

I disliked my inlaws, they disliked me. Our values did not align. My husband shared the values of the family that raised him and we are separated soon to be divorced.
I would now take it as a potential red flag if in a similar scenario, inlaws don't like me and vice versa, and the partner thinks their family are great and really get along with them. If my hypothetical inlaws hated me but my partner had issues with his family, that would be different.

stuntbubbles · 14/04/2022 03:51

I prefer my MIL to text me never, tbh, and when my parent died I found her shiny pink sympathy card intrusive and gross. Different people react differently and want different things.

How did you feel about her before this death? I wonder if, because it’s your first death you’re dealing with – and the first time dealing with death as an adult is a fucking shock, grief is trauma – you’re angry and fixating on random annoyances like a lack of MIL text as an outlet for all the emotions this death has stirred up.

Original poster

SomeCleverUsername · 14/04/2022 05:40

@stuntbubbles

I prefer my MIL to text me never, tbh, and when my parent died I found her shiny pink sympathy card intrusive and gross. Different people react differently and want different things.

How did you feel about her before this death? I wonder if, because it’s your first death you’re dealing with – and the first time dealing with death as an adult is a fucking shock, grief is trauma – you’re angry and fixating on random annoyances like a lack of MIL text as an outlet for all the emotions this death has stirred up.

Yes, this, this is it!

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Original poster

SomeCleverUsername · 14/04/2022 05:46

I do get that it's not a normal or fair reaction.

It's also just a reminder that we're not close or at least that it's all a facade. It's all good to be texting about her pets etc, but not something which affects me. Another inlaw (who actually did text ) is 100% bound to make this her trauma when we see them next. It's not just MIL, in some ways it's all of them. I know that I never give them a chance though.

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GettinPiggyWithIt · 14/04/2022 05:49

I am in the same boat OP. My inlaws openly hate me and I don’t see them because I’ve stopped making an effort after 15 years of being chirpy welcoming kind and inclusive.

before that I was pretty great with them. Generous gifts, invitations around for lunch, listened to all their shite

But they constantly think I am a carbon copy of the ex wife wife was a fatal psycho. They seem far more damaged by her than my husband does! He thinks it’s ridiculous.

They get offended if I do things like not out exactly the same amount of photos of them on Facebook on a family photo situation for example. Take great pleasure in telling me how much my sister in law hates me .drip drip drip poisonous crap…

It’s driven a wedge between my husband and them which will probably never be fixed - he says they have fallen out with every single girlfriend their sons have ever brought gone - which I find incredible

Pyri · 14/04/2022 06:09

If they lost a sibling? I'd be round there offering support and comfort as soon as I heard.

Again, this shows how different people are because if I lost a sibling then I’d want privacy and space to grieve, I would be really upset at my MIL turning up and centring herself in the tragedy

Monty27 · 14/04/2022 06:14

If your DH wants you there then go.
Your mil probably isn't being spiteful.
on this occasion
Just keep her at arms length. She may feel threatened by you as you've become her DS' no 1 and doesn't recognise her status any more.
I'd expect you to be supported by DP. If he isn't supportive I'd send him back to her.

Original poster

SomeCleverUsername · 14/04/2022 06:28

"because I’ve stopped making an effort"

Yes, I made an effort for a long time but ended up feeling hurt and disappointed too many times.

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TimeForGouter · 14/04/2022 06:32

My in-laws are really lovely and I have absolutely no excuse for it but I did sometimes experience the relationship with them as incredibly hard work just because nothing could be assumed between us, their assumptions and mine were just a bit askew on every single subject, large and small. It wasn't relaxing to be with them tbh.

Gosh this is exactly how I feel about my MIL. My FIL is so easy but my MIL really is not (DH recognises this and can understand why I feel it).

OP, I’m sorry for your loss, and I think it’s very normal to be upset about the way other people do/don’t react in such situations

Everydayimhuffling · 14/04/2022 06:38

I think your expectations are far too high. You seem to be expecting to love them like family, but I think that is very unusual really. Mine are fine. Slightly annoying like my own family, but without the love to temper that.

I'm sorry for your loss. I can see how it might feel galling to lose someone you love and be stuck with people you don't care much about. Perhaps take a break and let your DH deal with them for now.

lovelovelove2 · 14/04/2022 06:54

My mother in law is awful too. Just very nasty I don't like her although I tried over the years. She doesn't let up and consequently I don't see her often. Live close by though.
She has jealousy issues. Still texts husband often - messages always end I love YOU and kids. Things like that. She's like the ring leader with the brothers and sister.
Few things she's done nasty comments, I'm not doing enough for my family etc. not doing things I should be. Posts Family photos mentions Everyone she cares about (except me) - even when I'm in photo haha. Has favourites of my kids and enquires too H how her favourite is. I've had countless arguments over the years. None for last 8 or 9 because I won't engage. It's a shame because it didn't need to be like it, but she has taught me a valuable lesson - how not to treat my sons wife's.

Skelligsfeathers · 14/04/2022 06:57

@SomeCleverUsername

I do get that it's not a normal or fair reaction.

It's also just a reminder that we're not close or at least that it's all a facade. It's all good to be texting about her pets etc, but not something which affects me. Another inlaw (who actually did text ) is 100% bound to make this her trauma when we see them next. It's not just MIL, in some ways it's all of them. I know that I never give them a chance though.

So mother in law is wrong for not texting but the other relative who did text is centring herself?

Original poster

SomeCleverUsername · 14/04/2022 07:01

"OP, I’m sorry for your loss, and I think it’s very normal to be upset about the way other people do/don’t react in such situations." Thank you.

@everydayimhuffling I definitely was expecting love both ways. I got married very young.

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Original poster

SomeCleverUsername · 14/04/2022 07:06

"So mother in law is wrong for not texting but the other relative who did text is centring herself?" To be fair, I didn't thinking the other relative texting was making herself the centre in this instance, but I 100% see it on the cards for the next time I see them. She once said she knew exactly how I felt with my miscarriage because she once had a heavy period which in hindsight could theoretically have been an early miscarriage. That kind of thing.

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fluffythedragonslayer · 14/04/2022 07:32

My in laws don't like me. Never have. I have no idea why. They have no interest in my children either. They LOVE DHs brother, wife and child and do everything for them.

When BIL got married, MIL said to his wife ( in front of me) "finally another girl to join my ladies gang" - I'd been married to her son nearly 10 years at this point...

saraclara · 14/04/2022 07:45

@Pyri

If they lost a sibling? I'd be round there offering support and comfort as soon as I heard.

Again, this shows how different people are because if I lost a sibling then I’d want privacy and space to grieve, I would be really upset at my MIL turning up and centring herself in the tragedy

I understand that too. But it does depend on the relationship. I had the most wonderful MIL, and I'd want her comfort and presence far more than my mum's.

I'm not saying that I'm on that level with my sons in law, but me going round to see what I could do wouldn't be centering myself. It'd be probably about taking the DGD out for a bit so that they could let go with their grief a bit, or focus on anything they might have to do. I'm not an emoter, more a facilitator.

But yep, I could absolutely understand not wanting a MIL around who was making it about her.

Mysteryuser · 14/04/2022 10:31

fluffy, do you maybe think your MIL simply meant 'I'm so glad my DS has finally got married'? As in your SIL can join her AND you? Gang seems a strange word to just use about yourself.
As the mother of a grown up DS, 21 and single atm, this thread makes me think I'll have to be absolutely watching every little thing I say in front of any future DIL, lest I inadvertently say something she can take offence at.
OP, sorry for your loss.

Original poster

SomeCleverUsername · 14/04/2022 12:05

"As the mother of a grown up DS, 21 and single atm, this thread makes me think I'll have to be absolutely watching every little thing I say in front of any future DIL, lest I inadvertently say something she can take offence at." @Mysteryuser you probably will tbh , it's a notoriously touchy relationship.

In fairness I did really, really want to get on with my MIL. I don't know why but everything that she says seems more pointed than I'd my own DM had said it.

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DoItAfraid · 14/04/2022 12:11

@HarryDresdensLeatherDuster

So sorry to hear about your loss OP.

Yes, I would expect my MiL to message/call/make contact about something that had made me sad. As the mother of three grown children I would definitely contact their partners if they had lost a family member.

Same. Totally the same.

OP - I am sorry for your loss 💐

thestraitofillinois · 14/04/2022 12:15

Some people are just self-absorbed and that means they are unlikely to think about supporting others that are not immediate family. In fact, the ones who bang on about 'family' are generally the ones who have issues with people who marry into the 'family'.

You're different to them. Some people struggle to relate to people that are different to them and so would rather do nothing than try to make an effort to connect.

You can keep on making that effort on their behalf, but keep in mind that you may do this for years and it won't count for anything in the end.