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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my mums birthday celebration.

29 replies

PoppyJ175 · 13/04/2022 16:25

My mum is 50 very soon, over the early May bank holiday. I'm not saying I'm not gonna go see her, I will with the kids perhaps in the morning with a card and gifts.

But she's having some kind of gathering with her neighbours and friends one of her friends is organising. Would you be offended if you early thirties daughter didn't come? It's in the day time - early evening - probably into the night.

  1. I don't drink at all, my mum and all her friends drink quite a bit. I will just be a spare part. I don't mind being around tipsy people but they get very drunk and I hate it.
  1. I get really bad social anxiety and to be honest it's my ideal of hell. I've just been referred for an adult autism assessment too. I've spent years grinning and bearing at social occasions, I don't want to do it anymore. Obviously there may be exceptions.
  1. Dh will likely be working and can't really take the kids if people will be drinking. My kids are autistic too, just no good (probably the best excuse tbf)
  1. As awful as it sounds I don't really like most of her friends. Some of them I don't even know.
  1. I will literally hate it.
  1. With my mum and drink there is always fall outs with the stepfather who I believe could be a borderline alcoholic.

Aibu? My mum is not the understanding type. She's always expected us to do things out or comfort zone just to keep her happy.

OP posts:
Siennabear · 13/04/2022 16:28

Could you go for a couple of hours in the day before the drinking starts? Say you have to go as you have something else on ? I understand you find it hard bit it is your mums 50th. It would mean a lot to her to see you and the kids I imagine.

Finfintytint · 13/04/2022 16:28

I’d just go in the morning as planned or just spend an hour there in the afternoon before anyone gets too pissed.

ZenKaleidoscope · 13/04/2022 16:30

Since it's a milestone celebration could you have lunch together and then stay for an hour of the party?

Original poster
PoppyJ175 · 13/04/2022 16:32

@Siennabear

Could you go for a couple of hours in the day before the drinking starts? Say you have to go as you have something else on ? I understand you find it hard bit it is your mums 50th. It would mean a lot to her to see you and the kids I imagine.
Prob is she'll probably get too drunk to remember the next day ☺️
OP posts:
Original poster
PoppyJ175 · 13/04/2022 16:33

@ZenKaleidoscope

Since it's a milestone celebration could you have lunch together and then stay for an hour of the party?
Perhaps.. I don't think it has an 'official' start time though!

Plus to add, I don't live close by.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoppyJ175 · 13/04/2022 16:34

My mum is not the going out for lunch kind of person though. Never done it. 😪

OP posts:
ZenKaleidoscope · 13/04/2022 16:35

Not having an official start time is even better basically once majority of people have arrived that could be your que to go.

Not living close by may also give you another reason to leave early.

forrestgreen · 13/04/2022 16:39

Wait for the invite and say sorry dh is working. Send some flowers to the 'do'

OhPullThemUpBrenda · 13/04/2022 16:39

I'd go early lunch time if you can bear it. Two cups of tea/cold drinks then I'd be off
She can't dictate how you live your life, you are not a child

YellowPlant · 13/04/2022 16:41

It’s her 50th so if you don’t go to this do you have a plan B to mark the occasion?

Original poster
PoppyJ175 · 13/04/2022 16:45

@YellowPlant

It’s her 50th so if you don’t go to this do you have a plan B to mark the occasion?
I said in op that I'll be seeing her and go visit with the kids! It's also one of my kids birthday the same weekend too so be busy busy!
OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 13/04/2022 16:46

Just go in the morning as planned and say hope she has a nice time with her friends. I wouldn't be offended my Dd is near your age is she came and went then thats fine.

Lifesonebigparty · 13/04/2022 16:48

I think its perfectly reasonable just to go In the morning, drop off a gift and card. Just tell her that's the plan now.

WinniesHunny · 13/04/2022 16:49

@ZenKaleidoscope

Since it's a milestone celebration could you have lunch together and then stay for an hour of the party?
Sounds more like a millstone celebration to me.
HereForTheGloss · 13/04/2022 16:50

Have you actually been invited? That’s not clear.

But anyway it doesn’t even sound like the kind of gathering suitable for children or that they’d necessarily be wanted there, so “sorry, no childcare” is the perfect excuse.

WinniesHunny · 13/04/2022 16:52

actually, just don't go. From what you've said she wont remember if you were there or not.

Original poster
PoppyJ175 · 13/04/2022 16:56

Thanks all, I've been invited - via Facebook event thing. Also, there won't be much family there. My grandma is pretty much housebound and a bit like me when it comes to not wanting to be around drunk people. My mum is currently not on speaking terms with her siblings. No other kids in the family other than mine. My siblings will be there but other than that will mainly be her friends plus there's always a drama, fall out etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoppyJ175 · 13/04/2022 16:57

@HereForTheGloss

Have you actually been invited? That’s not clear.

But anyway it doesn’t even sound like the kind of gathering suitable for children or that they’d necessarily be wanted there, so “sorry, no childcare” is the perfect excuse.

There will be no other children. No other kids in the family plus I don't think any of her friends have young children! Maybe teen +
OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 13/04/2022 17:08

So many people on mumsnet who hate socialising

moofolk · 13/04/2022 17:18

Go early with the kids & then leave.

It's fine. You are absolutely allowed to do this.

Original poster
PoppyJ175 · 13/04/2022 17:41

@LuckySantangelo35

So many people on mumsnet who hate socialising
I am very honest with the fact I struggle socially. Doesn't mean I hate it, it means I struggle with it. I would like to be able to relax in a social situation.

Neither me or dh are very sociable, with me I would like to be more sociable but struggle to do so, with dh he just doesn't want to be sociable 😅 as in op, there is a strong suggestion I have undiagnosed asd, my children are both on the spectrum and struggle socially too.

I don't think overly sociable people get what it's like to struggle or not like being sociable. Doesn't mean we are not nice people, often means we don't stand for bulls**t.

Plus, back to my op, there wouldn't be much socialising being the only sober person amongst my drunk mother and her drunk friends 😅

OP posts:
Unsureaboutit9 · 13/04/2022 17:47

I’d go before/for the start of it, that way you can avoid the worst of the drinking but still be involved. You have already answered your own question in your OP - she’s not the understanding type, and it’s a milestone birthday, so yep she will most likely of offended if you don’t go. I wouldn’t go for the full evening either though.

Catflapkitkat · 14/04/2022 04:59

I think going on the morning when it's quiet to wish her a happy birthday is perfect. Make sure you take a selfie of you and her or her with the children if she is going to for forget you have been there.

Let her kick her heels up with her mates

Momijin · 14/04/2022 05:37

Could you explain to your mum how you feel but offer to take her for breakfast etc

StAgur · 14/04/2022 06:08

If I were your mum, I would be delighted if you came round earlier in the day with my DGC and a gift. I don't really see why she would expect you to take the children to a boozy adult party and, as a pp suggested, you can just say you can't find a babysitter, need to get home etc.

Also, if she knows you are undergoing assessment for ASD and the children already have a diagnosis, she should understand that this makes you uncomfortable in social situations.

I am sure your mum invited you to the party because she loves you and would be happy to see you there but, in her shoes, I would much rather have some individual time with my family before the party starts.