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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact child maintenance service

31 replies

EatingToast · 13/04/2022 13:05

I have a 5 month old son. His father and I have been together for several years. We have never lived together but are still involved and he is in regular contact with us. I have been the one to pay for everything so far, despite various promises to buy this, that and the other, none of it ever happened. He has given me a total amount of £110 in those 5 months and tells me he will give what he can, when he can. I am on maternity pay and cannot afford to keep paying for everything myself, and, although he pleads poverty, he has a decent, full time, well paid job. I have been trying to sort this out amicably as I feel like applying to CMS would start a conflict we could all do without, but see no other option.

OP posts:
RubiksMoose · 13/04/2022 13:08

As a starting step could you look at the calculator on the government website together so that he can see what he should be paying? I think that’s more amicable than going straight to CMS without his input.

Original poster
EatingToast · 13/04/2022 13:11

@RubiksMoose I did try this, it works out to around £58 per week

OP posts:
RubiksMoose · 13/04/2022 13:14

In that case I would tell him that you would rather come to an amicable arrangement but unless he starts paying you will have no choice but go through CMS.

Lachimolala · 13/04/2022 13:15

I went through similar with my ex. He didn’t live with us and never paid maintenance or helped out with any costs, I ended up just going to CMS and having them make him pay the money when our youngest turned two. He had two years to pay and chose not to so I took the option away.

The relationship was abusive (him to me) and I wanted out anyway so probably easier for me to just do it. I appreciate it’s not that easy if you want to remain in the relationship, I still would though if you can. It’s money for your baby bro for yourself.

ElsieMc · 13/04/2022 13:41

I think you need to register with CMS. The law states he must pay for his child, it is not a choice. They can then work out what he should pay and send out a schedule to you both. It is not an act of aggression, it is simply fair to you both and most importantly your child.

I say this as the warning signs of picking and choosing when and what he pays is becoming established.

You don't have to use the full service, they will ask you to make an agreement between yourselves But if he defaults, the arrears mount from the day you tell CMS. CMS are poor at best, but if it was not for them, I would have got nothing at all for sixteen years for my gs who lives with me. And it started as you describe. His first priority is his child, not his last.

AHungryCaterpillar · 13/04/2022 13:46

So you’re in a relationship with him Confused ?

Hankunamatata · 13/04/2022 13:48

Is say to him the cms calculator works out at £58 per week. I'm happy with £55 or £240/245 per month directly or we go through cms

Whywhywhy48 · 13/04/2022 13:49

@AHungryCaterpillar

So you’re in a relationship with him Confused ?
I was just thinking this.
AHungryCaterpillar · 13/04/2022 13:51

Can’t believe how many have missed that tbh, fancy being in a relationship with someone who won’t pay for their child so you have to take them to the child maintenance service.

bananatwain · 13/04/2022 13:52

You're still in a relationship with this man? Why?

Original poster
EatingToast · 13/04/2022 13:53

@RubiksMoose think we'll have a conversation along these lines tonight

@Hankunamatata I'd be happy with less than that, trying to be as reasonable as I can. He does have a lot of outgoings, but then so do I

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 13/04/2022 14:03

Even if it starts conflict, do you really care? Do you really have any remaining romantic attraction to a man who doesn’t support his child voluntarily?

Original poster
EatingToast · 13/04/2022 14:15

@Ponderingwindow better to try and do things without conflict imo. Particularly when a child is involved.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 13/04/2022 14:29

When you said conflict, I figured you meant with regards to your romantic relationship. That is what I was so dismissive of, because his behavior is such a turn-off that he is killing the relationship anyway.

If the conflict is with regards to your coparenting relationship then that is very concerning. Being asked to pay the pittance required by CMS shouldn’t raise his ire. If anything he should be insulted at the thought of paying so little towards his child.

I know some pay as little as £7 a week, but £58 is still much lower than half your child related expenses once you go back to work.

HangOnToYourself · 13/04/2022 14:31

Why dont you live together out of interest?

Original poster
EatingToast · 13/04/2022 14:45

@HangOnToYourself we both like our own space. It's the longest relationship I've ever been in and I'm 100% sure it's due to living separately. It works well for us.

OP posts:
HangOnToYourself · 13/04/2022 14:49

It might work well.for you but it doesnt sound like you can afford.it now that you have a child, especially if you have to resort to going through CMS with someone you are still.in a relationship with. I'd actually say that it doesnt work well.for you if you have found yourself in this position

HotDogKetchup · 13/04/2022 14:51

Absolutely.

Original poster
EatingToast · 13/04/2022 14:57

@HangOnToYourself of course it does. I haven't gone to cms yet because I'm still trying to work it out with him, that's what relationships are about. It's likely we will work it out before that becomes necessary based on conversations we are having today. Also I clearly am affording this by myself, the point is I shouldn't have to.

OP posts:
SaxendaSummer · 13/04/2022 15:02

So when you are with him who pays for food, outings etc?

Is he a proper 'partner' or just a FWB?

SaxendaSummer · 13/04/2022 15:03

Also, what was the plan whilst TTC and through pregnancy?

Lbnc2021 · 13/04/2022 15:04

This isn’t a relationship, how can you be attracted to a man who thinks so little of you and your child?

Original poster
EatingToast · 13/04/2022 15:04

@SaxendaSummer he always pays for all of that, also if we need anything I call him and he brings it, he's not a complete waster hope I haven't made it out like that, he just seems to have an issue with regular payments.

OP posts:
Patchbatch · 13/04/2022 15:12

You're in a relationship with someone who you feel the only way to get payments for his child is through cms? Wow, he sounds like a catch!

Tlollj · 13/04/2022 15:13

Course he should be paying. Who the fuck else does he imagine is paying? You of course. I don’t know how you can look at him let alone be in a ‘relationship’ with him.

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