You don’t tell your most successful child you were a ‘useless’ parent because of other siblings

[BigGreenSofa]

So my MIL loves to tell us how we should share our success with her/DBIL/DSIL ie: people will lots of money spread it about the family as opposed to keeping it for themselves. Unfortunately for her, a of the financial backing we have came from inheritance I got (which we used to springboard further) but will mean neither she nor his siblings will ever have right to any of it.

Tonight she started laying it on really thick to DH that she was a useless parent because DBIL doesn’t ‘earn enough’ (he has a very reasonable job but no, will not ever be able to match our situation) and DSIL won’t succeed in his chosen career (he won’t - he’s not pushy enough). As it goes DBIL (who doesn’t now earn enough) was always the golden child. DH was always written off as not being as bright if able in comparison. And is still now on occasion.

Aibu to be pissed off MIL has started this line especially as DH feels he has to tell her she was a brilliant parent (when she wasn’t having written him off) because it’s a nice thing to go and this entire thing plays into his need for her to approve of him, that he isn’t part of her problem.

Sit down with your dh and come up with a few choice sentences so he can shut her down.

You shouldn't measure success in monetary terms

BIL is happy, surely that's all that counts

Money can't buy happiness

It’s not about who is most successful. The reality is it’s your money and regardless of how you got it (I.e inheritance, hard work etc) you do not have to share it with anymore. My sister is better off financially than me but I would never ask her for anything or expect her to share her money. I am glad her, my brother in law and nieces and nephews have a nice standard of living and hope that continues.

I can understand the OP perfectly. To the people being snippy about not understanding her posts- this says more about your level of comprehension than her language skills (in her second language).

OP financial success IS largely what people mean by success no matter how ‘lucky’ you have been (sorry for the loss of whoever you inherited the money from ). Almost all financial success is down to luck one way or another- a good education, good looks, a talent etc and then you turn it into success by using it wisely and working hard. Ignore the jealousy on this thread and from your MIL.

Op has said she is not in the UK, sharing money especially to support parents is expected in some cultures.

I do not see her post as a brag, it has two issues.

The MIL feelings about her parenting and wanting assurances which sticks in the throat a bit because she had a clear favourite amongst her children but does her DH effectively lie to soothe the Mother.

The fact that the MIL clearly wants the op and her DH to share their money with siblings.

I see the Mothers wailings as manipulative in all this.

Of course you do not share your money op unless you both specifically want to. I assisted a sibling at one point because her DH had cancer his business went down and she had worked for him so their income stream disappeared almost over night. But that was my choice with no manipulation or expectation.

I don’t really understand why you felt compelled to join in the criticism of your husband’s siblings here. It does not make you sound nice.

Sounds to me like your MIL doesn’t like the fact that you have been given the opportunity to make a life for yourself based on what you want to do, not what you have to do - unlike her other children - and because this happened through inheritance, this won’t change (unless the other DC end up also marrying into money). That’s not your problem.

The thing is money sharing within families actually works really really well, the very well of people I know they don’t borrow money off banks if they need a new car they ask the parents, when they want to buy a house they all club together, never get a mortgage. And the whole family prospers as a result of this. You literally save hundreds of thousands of pounds.

And then Mumsnet decides that that’s not the best way to live your life 🤣

Are you Mrs Rishi?

So she was a bad parent to your husband but he lies & tells her she wasn't?

That would annoy me.

Could he find a way of just not engaging in those conversations?

@BigGreenSofa it seems some people have struggle understanding english. Probably too late and not awake enough

Your post is quite clear tbh.
You’ve inherited money. You and your DH took RISK with that money and made it work into something even more profitable.
Kudos to you. Both to have taken the risk and to have made it work. Nit everyone does.

I’m getting the feeling that the request to share the money is coming from MIL more than BIL and SIL. The wailing, thé ‘oh I can’t have been a good enough mum’ etc… is guilt tripping. She is using guilt and making her own ds feel bad to push you to do something you don’t really want to do.

She is wrong, I think you know that. From your posts, I suspect your DH does too but is feeling bad about it.
Just a few things there

• it’s not your DH’s responsibility to ensure his mum is happy. If she feels she didn’t do a good enough job with BIL, then SHE has to deal with it. Giving money to him (and SIL) would only be a plaster solution and she would end up still feeling oh so bad for them.
• being manipulative isn’t a nice trait. And it’s ok for your DH to stand up to that.

However, by experience, it’s extremely hard to do! So my advice (seeing the golden child stuff going on too) is for him to go and see a psychotherapist and talk it through. He needs to work on his boundaries and being able to ‘see’ when his dmum is just being a prick vs real issues/feelings etc…
But seing the jealousy going on in the family, I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends feeling he needs ot go low contact or NC :(

@diddl

So she was a bad parent to your husband but he lies & tells her she wasn't?

That would annoy me.

Could he find a way of just not engaging in those conversations?

Lol

You realise you are talking about a child-mother relationhsip there?
That he probably has spent his life smoothing things over and making her feel better.
It’s not as easy as saying ‘well he is lying so he should stop’. If it was that easy you wouldn’t have the Stately Homes threads going on, regular threads form posters with manipulative parents etc…

This is hard stuff to acknowledge your Laurent’s are shit, manipulative and don’t treat you the same than your siblings.
Detangling yourself from a lifetime of reactions/smoothing over/ignoring, all done as a preservation mechanisms as a child, is also hard.