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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You don’t tell your most successful child you were a ‘useless’ parent because of other siblings

62 replies

BigGreenSofa · 12/04/2022 22:54

So my MIL loves to tell us how we should share our success with her/DBIL/DSIL ie: people will lots of money spread it about the family as opposed to keeping it for themselves. Unfortunately for her, a of the financial backing we have came from inheritance I got (which we used to springboard further) but will mean neither she nor his siblings will ever have right to any of it.

Tonight she started laying it on really thick to DH that she was a useless parent because DBIL doesn’t ‘earn enough’ (he has a very reasonable job but no, will not ever be able to match our situation) and DSIL won’t succeed in his chosen career (he won’t - he’s not pushy enough). As it goes DBIL (who doesn’t now earn enough) was always the golden child. DH was always written off as not being as bright if able in comparison. And is still now on occasion.

Aibu to be pissed off MIL has started this line especially as DH feels he has to tell her she was a brilliant parent (when she wasn’t having written him off) because it’s a nice thing to go and this entire thing plays into his need for her to approve of him, that he isn’t part of her problem.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 12/04/2022 23:46

I think it's pretty horrible to measure success in terms of wealth!!

HeddaGarbled · 12/04/2022 23:50

DSIL won’t succeed in his chosen career (he won’t - he’s not pushy enough)

Wow!

You have been dealt a good hand in life. Don’t despise those who haven’t.

GlamorousHeifer · 13/04/2022 06:21

So other than inherit wealth, what have you/your husband actually done?
Because I would consider him the least successful sibling.
I would much rather live in a smaller house that I had worked and paid for myself than start a rather bizarre, poorly worded thread on mumsnet about how (un)successful I am Hmm

Original poster
BigGreenSofa · 13/04/2022 06:26

No English is not my first language. Not in the UK

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 13/04/2022 06:28

MIL saying those things is odd, at best. wouldn’t engage with it.

Sounds like DH could do with the ‘stately homes’ threads on MN!

I don’t understand this part of your post about your inheritance ‘neither she nor his siblings will ever have right to any of it’.

They don’t have any legal right to ANY of your and your H’s money, it’s entirely up to you whether or not to give them anything or leave them anything in your wills.

justfiveminutes · 13/04/2022 06:41

He's only the most successful if you measure success in money.

I think mil is wrong to expect you to share your wealth - unless you are multi-millionaires and a sibling is about to lose their home, or something equally disparate.

But reflecting on being a bad mother, or wondering what she did wrong...well, it just sounds like reflection and regret. I don't think it is anything to be upset or angry about. Your dh can answer honestly, with his list of complaints, or sugar cost it a little to spare her feelings, or choose to focus on what she did right. She did do some things right did she? It's a shame he felt undervalued as a child but parents are not perfect and most of us recognise that our kids will probably grow into adulthood with at least some complaints about us.

Ikeptgoing · 13/04/2022 06:45

@Loopytiles is spot on with what s/he wrote above.

But also no YANBU
Aibu to be pissed off MIL has started this line especially as DH feels he has to tell her she was a brilliant parent (when she wasn’t having written him off) because it’s a nice thing to go and this entire thing plays into his need for her to approve of him, that he isn’t part of her problem.

It sounds like MIL is being emotionally manipulative saying this (as she doesn't need to compare her adults' DC's wealth) , and as DH doesn't need to pretend and say she was a great mum if she wasn't if she ignored him and made him feel second best/ ignored him.

There's also no need for her to compare between siblings, for what purpose??

In transactional analysis there's a very old book called Games People Play (Eric Berne) with egs of scripts that manipulative people use to get "strokes" (attention of some kind / a set reaction) - you can get a used copy for less than £3 on eBay (just checked!) ? It Might be helpful? to read that, as also will be the Stately Homes section of MN.

Yousexybugger · 13/04/2022 07:12

I understand your points but would argue that your husband isn't more successful, he married someone with money.

Your BIL has a reasonable job, nothing wrong in that.

Your MIL is sounding quite manipulative in looking for reassurance but probably just wishes all her kids were equally well off.

My mother does this, pushes for reassurance that I end up giving when actually, she had a lot of faults and I didn't have a very happy childhood.

Why can't your DH reassure his mother by saying 'DB is doing fine, he's working, paying his way etc' and changing the subject rather than feeding her need for reassurance?

This is all pretty insulting and judgemental to BIL. It also shows a lack of self.awareness. How pushy for success were you other than coming into a lot of money? Please try and appreciate being dealt a fortunate hand in life (I am sorry if the inheritance was linked to a terrible loss, but then plenty of people are bereaved without gaining a life changing sum of money), and not being blinded to how much this has helped you and allowed you to do things that you would not have been able to do under your own steam. This is not the same as personal success and certainly does not allow you to count yourself as more successful than someone who didn't have this opportunity.

Subbaxeo · 13/04/2022 07:18

This is the worst case of humble brag I’ve read on mumsnet😁

Ecosralayce · 13/04/2022 07:19

how very sad that "successful" is deifned as how much money someone has.what an odd way to judge someone and measure your parenting skills against. I have adult children. I dont really know how much money they have. I consider them all to be sucesful as they are well rounded, happy individuals who contibute in meaningful ways to society and are, most importantly, happy in their lives.

Loopytiles · 13/04/2022 07:20

The OP isn’t ‘humble bragging’. She’s stated she and her DP are well off. Her post is about her MIL wanting them to give others in the family money: hard to post about that without the info about being well off.

Yellownightmare · 13/04/2022 07:21

People who are manipulative often use guilt as it's a very powerful emotion, especially in people who've been made to feel unimportant in the family like your DH. Your MiL is trying to do this. If you could help your husband to see how she's manipulating him, he might be able to resist her behaviour.

You don't owe the siblings anything. Would they be spreading the wealth around if they were in your position? If they're generous in other ways, by being lovely siblings, supportive, interested in the children etc, then you might feel like treating them at times, but really you shouldn't ever feel that you have to support grown adults who are just not as wealthy as you are.

SpaceshiptoMars · 13/04/2022 07:27

It may be cultural - some cultures expect a successful son to float the rest of his family with the rising tide. But equally, OPs inheritance might be tied up in trusts and the money restricted to spending on education, health etc.

Nothappyatwork · 13/04/2022 07:50

So basically you didn’t earn the money that has now propelled you into a position where you think you’re better than everybody else within the family i.e. successful and youre moaning because the mother-in-law feels that she’s not done the best job with all of her children let’s be honest and she’d like some reassurance that that’s not the case from your husband because he’s the only one with any level of visible success ?

I feel sorry for the mother-in-law.

Ideally we would all be robots who need no reassurance whatsoever but for some reason it appears she does and you are wrong to withhold that if it makes an old lady feel a bit better.

HabitsDieHard · 13/04/2022 07:54

Your MIL sounds manipulative to me, and your post was perfectly easy to understand.

5128gap · 13/04/2022 07:56

You could try being honest and tell her that your 'success' is not down to your or your H's achievements, but the good fortune of you inheriting someone else's money; so therefore your H is no different from his siblings. At the moment she is under the false impression you have wealth due to your own efforts, and can't understand why her parenting resulted in one 'successful child' only. Which is a bit daft, but people can be odd. Tell the truth and clear up the confusion then change the subject if it comes up again.

Londoncallingme · 13/04/2022 07:59

@XelaM

Oops don't know why it posted twice
Because it’s so true. No point to this thread - so you inherited some money, so what? Nothing to do with success.
Dentistlakes · 13/04/2022 08:00

Money breeds money. When you have it, it’s easy to make more. You were lucky to gain money through inheritance, so I don’t necessarily think that makes you more successful.

Your MIL had no right to expect you to share your money with other family members. They need to make their own way, even though it will be harder for them, but not impossible.

SilverBirchWithout · 13/04/2022 08:02

It does sound like you have similar attitudes as your MIL about success and money. I’m not quite sure what you want from her or DH? Congratulations about inheriting money and enabling your DH to have ‘better’ choices?

Ohnonevermind · 13/04/2022 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saraclara · 13/04/2022 08:06

I've read all OP's posts again and can't find any bragging at all. She's been straightforward in saying that her wealth was an inheritance and not down to her efforts. She certainly hasn't implied that she's better than anyone else.

The question is quite straightforward. MIL thinks she should share with the in-laws (no reason why she should) and is trying to guilt her son into it. And yes, that's unreasonable.

The turn that the responses have taken is very odd.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 13/04/2022 08:08

I don't think you should engage with the MIL at all on this topic. I think she sounds manipulative and I would question whether she would pressure the other siblings to share their money given the family dynamics. I wouldn't bother reassuring her either and I would talk this through with your husband so he can recognise the behaviour.

SpaceFarce · 13/04/2022 08:08

Mostly I’m just surprised that people can make enough sense of the OP to pass comment. Agree you all sound awful though.

milderchilly · 13/04/2022 08:14

You all sound the same bla bla bla

5128gap · 13/04/2022 08:17

@saraclara

I've read all OP's posts again and can't find any bragging at all. She's been straightforward in saying that her wealth was an inheritance and not down to her efforts. She certainly hasn't implied that she's better than anyone else.

The question is quite straightforward. MIL thinks she should share with the in-laws (no reason why she should) and is trying to guilt her son into it. And yes, that's unreasonable.

The turn that the responses have taken is very odd.

OP is allowing her MIL to think that she and her H are wealthy because they have done better in life than the siblings. Based on this, the MIL appears concerned that she parented her children differently leading to their different outcomes in life. Its an unusual but perhaps understandable concern for mother, who may question whether she parented them equally. The OP could if she wished, clear up the confusion by simply being honest, yet she seems to prefer to foster the belief that their success is due to some exceptionalism rather than good fortune, and therefore they are 'better'. As for sharing the wealth, I suppose that depends on the OPs stance on whether its fair to benefit from wealth you haven't earned or not. So theoretically she should be all for it.