Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WYYD social services

41 replies

outofmycomfortzone001 · 12/04/2022 21:39

Need some advice. Obvious name change for good reason!

I've known friend for 3 years and she's getting worse. She has 4 children and has very little interest in them. She regularly says she'd rather be at work than be around her kids, when she's home she leaves DC with her partner while she goes out as she struggles to be around them.

It's effecting the children badly. Their behaviour from lack of routine is seriously bad. Her two youngest are constantly becoming unwell as she gives them dirty bottles and has admitted to me on a few occasions she's sent them to nursery with last nights bottles of milk by mistake and only known about it when nursery complained.
She regularly complains she has no nappies, can't afford food for the children etc yet she spends all her money on cannabis (I have no problem with cannabis but make sure your children are sorted first and don't smoke it around them!)
Her partner is violent and regularly smashes up their house with the children in the home. She also leaves her children constantly with violent partner.

Would I be wrong to call social services? She's disclosed more things and it's really worrying me.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 12/04/2022 21:42

It would be wrong not to - and NSPCC might work as well

unim · 12/04/2022 21:44

Is her partner their father?

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 12/04/2022 21:47

Yes call them. You'd be wrong not to

unim · 12/04/2022 21:47

And yes, you should absolutely call social services - violence in the home is absolutely not okay at all.

mushforbrain · 12/04/2022 21:47

These poor children. Please report. You should have a local MASH you can do this through. You will never sleep easy if you don’t at least try to do something.

Skydreams · 12/04/2022 21:47

Definitely report. Someone needs to advocate for her children before it’s too late.

Movelikewater · 12/04/2022 21:50

I’ve worked in child protection for many years, and will be totally honest with you? If you report it anonymously and she feels unable to tell the truth to the social worker, unless they can find evidence, they are likely to end involvement/close case. She will likely double down with this man and feel suspicious of her friends/avoid confiding and have less support around her.

These children need some help. My strong advice to you is to stick your neck out. Tell your friend you care about her and her children, and their welfare comes first to you. Tell her you think she needs support and encourage her to call social services. If not, think about your evidence of the impact of the harm on them: what day did you see her child with the same clothes, how do you know he’s violent etc. If you’re really worried you make a referral in your name. You say who you are and what you can offer to support them.

Anonymous referrals are almost without exception disregarded by family courts and often dismissed as malicious by parents and then children’s services. This drives me mad, but it is the way it is.

She needs to be away from violent partner - any of us would struggle to put kids first if living in fear of violent man. You could encourage her to complete a Clare’s law request re her partner so that she can find out if he’s been violent to others before her too. There’s lots of support out there for women in this boat.

So lots of different bits and pieces of advice, but having assessed a million referrals like this, I recommend you defo do something, and start with a conversation with her.

Good luck

Movelikewater · 12/04/2022 21:51

NSPCC a total waste of time, they just report to local authority. And please avoid the anonymous referral!

twoandcooplease · 12/04/2022 21:58

You would be wrong not to phone social services in my opinion
Poor poor children. They didn't ask to be born into a family who don't care. They're in need of a lot of love and some good role models

Do they have family checking in on them? Anyone that looks better than the parents they have?
How old are the children?

Original poster
outofmycomfortzone001 · 12/04/2022 21:59

@unim

Is her partner their father?
Only youngest dc father.
OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 12/04/2022 22:01

What was your reaction when she admitted sending a DC to nursery with stale milk, or using dirty bottles.

She is horrible.

I'd contact the ndpcc and the nursery.

Original poster
outofmycomfortzone001 · 12/04/2022 22:05

I obviously can't go into detail on here but I know he's violent I've seen it with my own eyes and the evidence of the house being broken. She's even admitted she'll have to blame the damage on DC so she doesn't get her partner into trouble.

I've tried talking to her about it, telling her she needs to leave him and sort herself out and put her kids first but it goes in one ear and out the other. She also leaves them for long periods of times with him for weeks at a time while she's off doing other things. I feel very sad for the kids Sad if I told her I would report her it will cause all hell to be loose.

OP posts:
Original poster
outofmycomfortzone001 · 12/04/2022 22:07

@EmeraldShamrock1

What was your reaction when she admitted sending a DC to nursery with stale milk, or using dirty bottles.

She is horrible.

I'd contact the ndpcc and the nursery.

I was horrified and told her she was bang out of order and needed to sort herself out big time. She said accidents happen but not twice surely? I have distanced myself a lot as my parenting style is very different but she seems to open up to me still despite distancing myself I don't think she has any friends.
OP posts:
AngelaRayner4PM · 12/04/2022 22:11

Violent step father/father (also a drug user?) and drug using absent mum, how can these kids stand any chance in that environment? They are having none of their needs met right now, really, are they? It would be negligent not to report, yes they might not do much but if they get a few referrals might make a change. I imagine nursery will have reported or be on the brink of reporting anyway

BlossomLake · 12/04/2022 22:13

What about calling the nursery to report your concerns?

GalactatingGoddess · 12/04/2022 22:13

This is scary and these are the sorts of things that professionals need to be aware of OP.

100% report this, those poor children. It's scary to think of what might happen with them - please give them a chance at a happier healthier life!

GrowingUpIsATrap · 12/04/2022 22:13

All hell may break loose, but your responsibility is with the children's safety. Let her know you are worried about her and the children and that you're there if she needs you but you have to do the right thing.

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 12/04/2022 22:14

Please contact MASH in your area, you can remain anonymous but please share your name, details and connection to the family with them as this lends more weight to the referral.
I used to manage a MASH team, we would speak with you and properly understand your concerns, we would speak with parents and complete checks with other agencies (nursery, police, health visitors etc) to try and understand the full picture better. There may be other bits known and this would help to explain what is happening for the children.
Alongside that if you have any evidence (texts/photos etc) please share when you refer them in, they can't be used in court but they are really helpful in helping us to understand who is telling the truth. Sadly there are many malicious anon referrals so anything you can do to support your referral is great. But yes in summary you should contact SS mash, don't bother with NSPCC - they just send it on to SS.

punkylaroux · 12/04/2022 22:15

If you have distanced yourself anyway, maybe it's time to stick your neck out for the sake of the children. If they are obvious concerns around them (which from what you have said they absolutely are) you cannot ignore this. However as previously said, SS referrals can be an absolute minefield, and they may not do much initially (through insane hoop jumping and evidencing) but at least a record will start to be kept. What about the Childrens nursery/school have they not raised safeguarding concerns?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 12/04/2022 22:32

Please report through the nursery and let them place the call, if they can.

I would be worried about repercussions when there is violence, do the right thing while keeping yourself safe.

AHungryCaterpillar · 12/04/2022 22:33

Report it, I don’t agree with pp, I actually had a malicious report made about me (this isn’t as it’s true but the report about me was full of lies) and ss absolutely DID take it very seriously and believed every word of it, I had a tough time proving it was lies. Lucky I had some proof but it wasn’t easy to get the case closed so there is every possibility it will be taken very seriously.

Lacedwithgrace · 12/04/2022 22:44

Please do report to social services. Write down every detail, including every detail you can remember, even if they're hazy. Go straight to SS, they'll liaise with the nursery and anyone else involved in the children's care

Staffordshireknotter · 12/04/2022 22:47

Go straight to your local authority, the teams are called MASH in some areas but not others, the LA website will give you the number. That team with then liaise with nursery etc.

Wavygravy1 · 12/04/2022 22:49

Nursery must have concerns too?

Usernameinsponeeded · 12/04/2022 22:54

@Movelikewater

NSPCC a total waste of time, they just report to local authority. And please avoid the anonymous referral!
I have also worked in child protection and still do. Anonymous allegations are taken seriously and investigated thoroughly - or definitely should be otherwise service professionals are not fulfilling their duty of care. The likelihood of the situation is that the children’s nursery may have already flagged this family with child protection.

You can not just ignore this, your friend needs help and the children deserve to have their needs met.