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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dilemma

42 replies

Alexalee · 12/04/2022 12:31

If the husband (future brother in law)of your maid of honour (sister) died suddenly 2 weeks before your wedding what would you do?
Yabu - go ahead
Yanbu - cancel and reorganise the wedding
This is a situation my niece finds her self in, I genuinely have no idea what would e the right thing to do

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 12/04/2022 12:32

Go ahead but do something in recognition.

Totalwasteofpaper · 12/04/2022 12:34

Go ahead and acknowledge it within the ceremony.

Totalwasteofpaper · 12/04/2022 12:35

Not ceremony.. i mean day 🤦‍♀️

Amammai · 12/04/2022 12:37

Go ahead, give maid of honour option to be involved or not. Mark his life in some way during the day if possible. Make sure guests are aware there has been a family bereavement, especially if maid of honour does attend so that people are prepared and don’t put their foot in it.

NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 12:38

I would look at this more as a "sister's husband has died" rather than the roles they were meant to play. Does sister want to have reduced role or just be a guest? Or not attend? I would imagine sister would be ok for it to go ahead without her if she wasn't up to it.
but that is something only she can answer. And maybe a candle to acknowledge the loss to the family.

NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 12:38

@Amammai

Go ahead, give maid of honour option to be involved or not. Mark his life in some way during the day if possible. Make sure guests are aware there has been a family bereavement, especially if maid of honour does attend so that people are prepared and don’t put their foot in it.
Yes this
FloraPostePosts · 12/04/2022 12:39

Oh my, what an awful situation. So it’s the bride’s sister who has lost her husband? I think I’d be guided by her - it’s too late to cancel, probably, but it needs a very gentle conversation with the bereaved sister to ask whether she still wants to be involved at all, or to come and not be in the wedding party, or not to come at all. Then have something in the speeches, regardless of which option she chooses, to either acknowledge his death if she is there, or to acknowledge his death and be sympathetically clear about why she isn’t.

Having said all that, I think I’d find it hard to go ahead of we’d lost someone so close, and my sibling was so newly bereaved, but I recognise there are practical considerations about cancelling. She will probably be clear that she doesn’t want you to cancel, though. Most people, even in grief, are kind to those they love.

LosingTheWill2022 · 12/04/2022 12:40

I don't think there can be a single answer to your question.

It depends greatly on the circumstances of his death and the impact on the bride's sister.

MimiSunshine · 12/04/2022 12:40

I think unless you gave either VERY understanding and accommodating suppliers and venue etc OR she can afford to lose all of the money then she can’t afford to cancel.

Simply postponing (to when, what time frame is acceptable?) probably won’t be possible and not lose money.

However going ahead with the wedding will likely mean it won’t be the fully happy occasion it was meant to be either as I doubt her sister will be up to attending etc.

Somatronic · 12/04/2022 12:41

I would cancel, personally.

NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 12:43

I'm not sure the insurance would cover this mind, I think mine only covered the death of someone in the main wedding party.

DDivaStar · 12/04/2022 12:43

I think it would be difficult and costly to cancel hos late despite it obviously being a very sensitive situation.

I'd say to sister you completely understand if she would rather not attend or just as a guest.

WildCoasts · 12/04/2022 12:44

I have been in this position. For a variety of reasons, the wedding went ahead. If you want to chat OP please PM me. I don't want to put more detail here.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 12/04/2022 12:46

@Amammai

Go ahead, give maid of honour option to be involved or not. Mark his life in some way during the day if possible. Make sure guests are aware there has been a family bereavement, especially if maid of honour does attend so that people are prepared and don’t put their foot in it.
^This.
Catflapkitkat · 12/04/2022 12:51

When is the funeral? They take so long nowadays, nearly three weeks a recent one.

I think your niece needs to guided by the widow. And a if you go ahead, I think the suggestions from posters above about acknowledging him during the day is a lovely one.

Good luck

JustLyra · 12/04/2022 12:52

There’s absolutely no way to answer this because it entirely depends on how close the bereavement is. Some siblings are super close and some aren’t.

Also one of my cousins got married a day or so after their partners grandparent died - but it was a long illness and he’d made his GD promise she’d still marry and have fun regardless of what happened.

mickeypillow · 12/04/2022 12:55

My best friend got married 4 weeks after my mum died. She gave me the option to decline, to go as a guest or continue as chief bridesmaid. I continued as bridesmaid. Had a brilliant day. It was just what I needed. Everyone knew. It was fine. I let people know to talk to me about it or not. Not to worry about seeing me or talking or saying something they shouldn't.

BuanoKubiamVej · 12/04/2022 12:57

There's a line in the traditional CofE funeral service "in the midst of life, we are in death". At our wedding one of the readings we had flipped this around - "in the midst of death, we are in life"

That is - the world is and has been and always will be full of tragedy and grief, war and sickness and horrible events that tear down and destroy our happiness. Yet somehow, knowing and acknowledging this, yet we persist in building up, in making a difference, in having hope. Getting married is part of that. It's one way of lighting a candle in the darkness.

My advice would be that the wedding should go ahead because the darkness and tragedies of life will always be with us and will never cease so we can't wait for everything to be alright before we start trying to build. The bride will need to talk with her sister about what she feels able to cope with. It might be more appropriate to have a small family-only gathering on the day that is kept very low-key, with a separate reception for the wider social circle at a later date. Is there any way to cancel the reception but still get married?

RoseAndRose · 12/04/2022 13:00

Go ahead, but recognise that many of the congregation will be newly bereaved or supporting the newly bereaved, so scale back and commemorate

AllOfUsAreDead · 12/04/2022 13:00

Oh god what a horrible situation, the poor sister. Sad

It probably is too late to cancel now unfortunately. I'd ask the sister how she would like him to be remembered in the wedding, if at all. All on her terms really.

ddl1 · 12/04/2022 13:01

How sad. I would leave it up to the sister whether to go ahead, and apply no pressure one way or the other. I would also check whether she wishes her husband's death to be marked at the wedding. Some people are very private people and would rather not have their bereavement be made the centre of attention; others might wish it to be marked only at a solemn occasion such as a funeral, and not mixed with the joy of a wedding.

LosingTheWill2022 · 12/04/2022 13:10

@RoseAndRose

Go ahead, but recognise that many of the congregation will be newly bereaved or supporting the newly bereaved, so scale back and commemorate
I don't think think the congregation will be bereaved as it's the sister's husband. Initially I assumed it was the bride's sister who has been widowed but as OP says the bride's "future brother in law" I think it must be the groom's sister's husband who has sadly died.
WildCoasts · 12/04/2022 13:13

Having been in this position the one thing I will say on this thread about it is that it was easier having the wedding closer to the death. We had the funeral the same week. At least then we were all still in shock and numb. It would only have got harder the more time passed.

thinkhorsesnotzebra · 12/04/2022 13:17

We had a not to dissimilar situation at a family wedding.

My Uncle died a week before my cousin (Bride) got married. He had been ill but his death was totally unexpected, we are also a tight knit family and his death hit us all hard.

She asked what she should do but ultimately it was her Mum (his wife) who said that it should all go ahead.

Bride walked down the aisle with her Mum and Brother. Some of the music choices where changed to songs that we all connected to my Uncle. Tribute was paid to him at the reception in the speeches and other little ways.

It was obviously a very emotional day but as a family I think the balance was right between celebrating the couple and paying respects to a man who's absence was keenly felt.

Obviously we would all rather he was still with us but even under the sad circumstances it was one of the best weddings I have ever been too.

RoseAndRose · 12/04/2022 13:19

think it must be the groom's sister's husband who has sadly died

I expect you're right, and that means the groom's family are the ones bereaved (for in-laws are part of a family) and supporting the widow

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