Page 2 | Wedding dilemma

Alexalee · 2022-04-12T11:31:59+00:00

If the husband (future brother in law)of your maid of honour (sister) died suddenly 2 weeks before your wedding what would you do? Yabu - go ahead Yanbu - cancel and reorganise the wedding This is a situation my niece finds her self in, I genuinely have no idea what would e the right thing to do

CavernousScream · 12/04/2022 13:26

Two weeks after my husband died I could barely get out of my fucking dressing gown. The wedding will almost certainly be in the same week as the funeral or before the funeral can take place. No one should have any expectation at all that the matron of honour will be able to put on a bridesmaids dress and celebrate someone else’s marriage when her husband has just died. She will cry during the ceremony. A memorial of his life at a wedding before the funeral has happened would be awful.

Personally, if it had been my sister I would have said to go ahead, but that I wouldn’t be able to be there except possibly as a guest at the back of the room. But I think she’d probably have delayed it or scaled it back anyway. Who wants your sister crying to be a major memory of their wedding day?

Lochjeda · 12/04/2022 13:31

I personally couldn't celebrate our wedding when my sister in laws husband had just died. When I go to weddings it always makes me emotional (in a happy sense) as it reminds me of our day. In her situation it would make me absolutely distraught. I can't imagine entertaining anyone wedding two weeks after my husband died.

WildCoasts · 12/04/2022 13:35

@CavernousScream

Two weeks after my husband died I could barely get out of my fucking dressing gown. The wedding will almost certainly be in the same week as the funeral or before the funeral can take place. No one should have any expectation at all that the matron of honour will be able to put on a bridesmaids dress and celebrate someone else’s marriage when her husband has just died. She will cry during the ceremony. A memorial of his life at a wedding before the funeral has happened would be awful.

Personally, if it had been my sister I would have said to go ahead, but that I wouldn’t be able to be there except possibly as a guest at the back of the room. But I think she’d probably have delayed it or scaled it back anyway. Who wants your sister crying to be a major memory of their wedding day?

It may not work out that way though. The wedding I was involved with, the brother of the bride was buried the same week as the wedding. The father still marched her down the aisle, it was a happy occasion in spite of it. We all respond differently and it was the right thing to go ahead.

I think the MOH should be given the choice if she wants to continue in her role. It's up to the couple if they should cancel or not. It won't get any easier though.

theemmadilemma · 12/04/2022 13:38

@Amammai

Go ahead, give maid of honour option to be involved or not. Mark his life in some way during the day if possible. Make sure guests are aware there has been a family bereavement, especially if maid of honour does attend so that people are prepared and don’t put their foot in it.

Yes this. They stand to lose a lot of money by cancelling and as sad as it is, life goes on.

Alwayspaintyournails · 12/04/2022 13:40

If my sisters husband died two weeks before my wedding I would have tried to postpone. I would want to be focussing on my sister (and potentially her children's) needs and couldn’t imagine finding much joy in what should be a special day.

WildCoasts · 12/04/2022 13:41

OK, I'll add, I was the mother of the bride here. I finished sewing my daughter's wedding dress in the days after the funeral. It was good to have something to focus on.

bjrce · 12/04/2022 13:43

Similar happened to a friend of mine at work-

Three days before her sisters wedding their dad passed away suddenly.

Everyone was in shock. A decision was made to go ahead with the wedding.

So, the day before her wedding they held the funeral.
Next day the wedding went ahead, just a ceremony, followed by a meal reception. Everyone left after the meal. We were all so sad for the bride and her family.

Beautiful3 · 12/04/2022 14:07

If it were me, I'd d go ahead but acknowledge him in a speech before dinner. I wouldn't be able to afford to cancel and book a wedding a year later. I'd ask the maid of honour if she wants to step down and come as a guest if guest if she felt able to. But to reschedule the wedding to another time would be crazy. It may be a whole year or two, until immediate family felt ready.

Rainbowx · 12/04/2022 16:11

I would cancel or rearrange if was my sister she comes first as lost her husband,

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 12/04/2022 16:15

Unfortunately with the current wedding industry, she should go ahead but let her MOH out of attending/any obligations if that is what she wants (basically don't kick her out of the wedding but let her know she can do whatever she wants in this regard).

If she were to rearrange, there is a good chance she would lose a lot of money, be unable to schedule all the suppliers for the new date and have a new date in the near future.
Some of the more popular venues around here are booked up for 2 years due to people who postponed during COVID and those who got engaged during COVID.

Original poster

Alexalee · 12/04/2022 16:27

Thanks for all the replies.
Just re read my op and see why there is confusion.
It is my niece who's wedding it is sister (also my niece) husband who died, probably of a heart attack, don't think the post mortem will take place very quickly, and definitely can't see the funeral happening before the wedding.
The 2 sisters are incredibly close, as was bride to be with brother in law who died
My sister is their mother, she is in absolute pieces about it all.
It's heartening to see that others have had similar and gone through with the wedding, i think this is what will happen
What I hadn't realised was the deceased was also a groomsman

OP posts:

NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 16:31

Can they ask for the wedding to be toned down? Even if they still have to pay their suppliers. Or contact the insurance and see what's covered if they cancel

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/04/2022 16:34

Go ahead. I'd expect the MOH to drop out and I'd make sure she knew this was an option and I wouldn't be upset.

Giraffesandbottoms · 12/04/2022 16:39

DH’s brother was in a coma 2 weeks before our wedding and this was something we had to discuss as it really looked like he would die. My general feeling was with all the effort, emotion, cost and time based around a wedding it would have made sense to marry anyway and make reference to the brother tastefully/be aware the wedding will have a bit of a sad tone in places.

It’s not ideal but preferable to rescheduling - I mean what happens if you move the wedding and someone else dies? I feel v sorry for people who will have weddings planned when the queen dies.

Sorry for your loss x

NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 16:43

It’s not ideal but preferable to rescheduling - I mean what happens if you move the wedding and someone else dies? this was my thought tbh. What if one of the partners dies in the two year wait to reschedule? Waiting times are long due to covid.

ItsPrettyObvious · 12/04/2022 16:55

If it was me as the Bride I couldn't go through with the whole wedding shebang I'd be devastated and unable to remember the day with happiness. I would go ahead with the exchange of marriage vows and honeymoon as planned but scrap everything else altogether and have a celebration for everyone at a much later date, probably a first anniversary party. Having said that I'm an introvert and a big wedding means nothing to me, if it's what the Bride has dreamt of her whole life it's not going to be that easy. Plus the loss of thousands of pounds. Poor family, what a horrible situation. Whatever the final decision is I doubt anyone will judge xx

tinytemper66 · 12/04/2022 16:56

My father inlaw to be died 5 days after our wedding should have taken place. No one wanted to have the wedding(as he was so ill) so we postponed it for 6 months. Slight difference with timing of the wedding to OP.