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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum undermining me

30 replies

Purplecuppa · 12/04/2022 11:34

Yesterday me and DD(almost 2) met my mum, her sister, my cousin and my cousins DD (2) for lunch. My cousin was asking me how my DD was sleeping now as she barely slept at all for the first year (I assume my mum told her this as I didn't) anyway I said "she sleeps really well now thankfully goes down at 7pm and usually wakes at 7am"... then my mum chirps up "well that's a fib she comes into your bed every night doesn't she you need to put a stop to that".... yes my daughter goes down in her own bed but wakes at 5am every morning I bring her into our bed at that time and she goes straight back asleep for another 2 hours. I didn't mention it but didn't feel it needed mentioning. AIBU to think my DM was being really rude undermining me in front of other family?
I have no plan on stopping my DD from coming in for snuggles in the early morning, she loves it, we love it and we both get more sleep. They are only small for such a short time.
I told my mum that I didn't appreciate her commenting negatively on my parenting in front of other people and she said I was being "too sensitive" and do need to "sort the cosleeping out"

OP posts:

Bundlesofchocforme · 12/04/2022 11:38

That does sound undermining. I think your routine sounds perfect. I think I would just breezily say something like, ‘this works really well for us’ or ‘times have moved on mum’ to confidently assert your parenting, it sounds like if she sees a crack, she’ll undermine you so you need to not let her.

NorthSouthcatlady · 12/04/2022 11:38

Your mum needs to keep her nose out. Unless she wants some feedback about how she parented you?!

Billybagpuss · 12/04/2022 11:39

It’s none of her business and I’d be inclined not to share information like that with her any more.

mbosnz · 12/04/2022 11:41

This was the kind of bullshit that led to me not telling my mother anything at all. . .

Vsirbdo · 12/04/2022 11:41

The best comment someone said to me about co-sleeping was that it’s only a problem if it’s a problem for you (as the mum that is). I’d be annoyed at my mum for undermining me and wouldn’t share things in the future.
My DS is a bad sleeper and has recently started doing something similar and it’s heaven to get to sleep beyond 6am

Original poster

Purplecuppa · 12/04/2022 11:41

Thank you! I was beginning to think I was too sensitive.

Yes I'm definitely not sharing information like that with her again. She's obsessed with children being "independent" she HATED that i breastfed my daughter for 14 months thought I was ruining her and that the baby was "manipulating me". I think she was embarrassed by it.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 12/04/2022 11:43

@mbosnz

This was the kind of bullshit that led to me not telling my mother anything at all. . .

Yup. Your mother has proven she's a cow. Stop sharing things.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/04/2022 11:44

Fucking hell. Your mother is a nutter. I'd be taking a massive step away from her.

Member984815 · 12/04/2022 11:44

Put her on an information diet, what she doesn't know can't be gossiped about

Calennig · 12/04/2022 11:44

Don't tell her in future - be vague about it all.

I do wonder if there's been some kind of cultural change - as my DC GP were also very anti-bed sharing and certainly as a child we were never allowed into my parents room.

Anoisagusaris · 12/04/2022 11:46

Your mother could be undermining you but to be fair, it sounded like you were saying your daughter sleeps from 7 pm until 7am uninterrupted.

I wouldn’t be putting a stop to her coming into your bed, Nothing wrong with that at all.

Original poster

Purplecuppa · 12/04/2022 11:50

@Anoisagusaris you think waking for 5 minutes doesn't count as uninterrupted sleep?
We all stir for a few minutes during the night every single one of us . I wouldn't call it interrupted sleep unless I was woken every few hours or for like 20 minutes at a time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Purplecuppa · 12/04/2022 11:52

I get up to pee once most nights but don't consider it a broken night's sleep

OP posts:

WinniesHunny · 12/04/2022 11:52

@Member984815

Put her on an information diet, what she doesn't know can't be gossiped about

Information diet? That sounds like she should get "some" information. Information Dignitas would be more suitable.

mbosnz · 12/04/2022 11:54

I remember my mother glaring at me, saying 'you're making a rod for your own back', when I fed my baby on demand. . .

Gizacluethen · 12/04/2022 11:55

@Purplecuppa

Thank you! I was beginning to think I was too sensitive.

God I hate parents like this. Like loving your child is some kind of weakness. DS Cosleeps, it'll stop when we're able to talk about it together.

I'd have just said (and do say) "no I don't need to stop it. She's fine. I know what she needs and I like cuddling my baby."

Original poster

Purplecuppa · 12/04/2022 11:57

@mbosnz my mother said the same thing! Like feeding on demand and being responsive to our babies was something to be ashamed of. I wonder do they take it as a snub that we are not parenting "their" way? Things have changed I'm sure they did the best with the info they had then just as we are doing now.

OP posts:

Calennig · 12/04/2022 12:08

I had all this - wanting bf and co-sleeping stopped - idea that children would never be independent - would be spoilt etc.

They went to their own rooms with no issues and are happy independent teens who have good manners and who aren't considered spoiled child by anyone.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 12/04/2022 12:12

Things have changed I'm sure they did the best with the info they had then just as we are doing now.

Thing is, I'm probably older than your mum (60+) and I parented very like you're doing. Co-sleeping, feeding on demand - these were mainstream when my DC were babies.

disappear · 12/04/2022 12:16

Yes, you need to sort out the co-sleeping, if your DD is still doing it when she’s 15! Two year olds do not need to be independent.

mbosnz · 12/04/2022 12:22

[quote Purplecuppa]@mbosnz my mother said the same thing! Like feeding on demand and being responsive to our babies was something to be ashamed of. I wonder do they take it as a snub that we are not parenting "their" way? Things have changed I'm sure they did the best with the info they had then just as we are doing now.[/quote]
Oh absolutely! Mum took my baby-centric methods as being a direct insult to her Plunket/rigid routine parenting. (That, and she found it very difficult that for me, my focus was my baby, rather than her needs and wants. . .)

Flickflak · 12/04/2022 12:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Smileyaxolotl1 · 12/04/2022 12:41

Ignore your mother’s comments about independence or what you should be doing about sleeping.
Don’t lie that she sleeps 7-7 when she doesn’t.

TheSnowyOwl · 12/04/2022 12:48

Your mum shouldn’t have said it but my idea of a child sleeping 7-7 is that they stay in their own beds and sleep for that time. I think just after two was the turning point for my youngest to start being able to do it but I always co-sleep with any of my children if they wake in the night and need it. I love the snuggling.

SleeplessInEngland · 12/04/2022 12:52

tbf I wouldn't count coming in at 5am 'uninterrupted sleep from 7pm-7am' but that's by the by - if you're happy with it it doesn't matter.

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