Ex keeping new partner a secret

[Rainbowsnbutterflies]

Ok, so first time poster go easy on me please….. bit of background so as not to drip feed, was with my ex for 20 years married for 14, 2 gorgeous DC’s one older one younger. Separated last year, Ex said he was staying with family member- was clear he wasn’t but took youngest DC to there for contact, on average a couple of hours a week, older DC has very limited contact ( an older teen their choice) has recently come to light ex is living with new partner and step child. Ex is refusing to say where he lives or who partner is, but wants to take youngest DC to meet new partner and step child, Aibu to be concerned about this?? I don’t want to be that Ex and really would in a perfect world like us all to get on, but I’m finding it difficult as if he’s purposely trying cause animosity.

Of you feel he's purposefully trying to cause animosity don't rise to it.

What is is specifically that's bothering you. That you don't know the address? Or that he's moved in with someone else?
How old is your younger DC - are you concerned about them being vulnerable?

I think it’s that I don’t know who the wee one (5years old) is with, and the lies, ex insisted there wasn’t anyone else, wee one not vulnerable, very happy bright bubbly wee person. I just feel like the ex is trying to cause drama, upset me, to make me look bad, especially in eyes of his new partner…. Does that make sense??

Yanbu to want to know.

But you don't have a right to the information. I assume, when he does have two child you trust him with the child. So you need to trust he makes the right decision when it comes to who is around your child.

Exh was very similar. Acted as though I would kick off. I wouldn't have at all. I just didn't rise to any of it. He fucked up lots of relationships quite early on due to him portraying me as someone who wants him back.

I honestly think the best thing you can do is let him get in with it.

I think it's reasonable to want to know where your child is sleeping if they stay there overnight.

It's weird that he's keeping the address a secret. Do you think it could be someone you know, or someone he works with and you might wonder whether their relationship started as an affair?

But I would want to know where my child was. Would he be happy if you and your children moved house, maybe moved in with a boyfriend, but didn't tell him the address?

I think I would avoid showing any interest in his gf, avoid asking anything about her, but say that you need to know where your child is. Surely he will need to give his address to dc's schools too?

No issues or concerns with Ex having wee one at all, he’s a responsible caring father, just wasn’t winning any husband of the year awards.
I guess I am a little hurt that he’s moved on, but also that he can’t be honest about things. I wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable wanting to know where my DC would be during contact, especially if staying over.

I’m almost certain the relationship has been an affair, will never know for sure though. Ex, has not shown any interest with youngest’s school or anything like that, older DC is finished school, I feel for them, not knowing where dad is to visit etc. I’m trying hard to be rational but there are some very hurtful moments

I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask where he is living and where your child will be staying.

Surely he is their second emergency contact at school?

What if he didn't return them after contact and you went to the police? They'd ask where he lived, where he had taken your children, and you wouldn't know.

You could wake up to news that a house had burnt down somewhere and wouldn't know if that was where your child was last night.

It's just good parenting. I think I would insist but in a way that made it clear it was about the child - show no interest in him or his gf, don't sound like someone who might drive past regularly to be nosy, or who might be banging on the door for spurious reasons.

Purely from a potential emergency situation, knowing the address is not at all unreasonable!

As kindly as possible.. it really isn't something you have a 'right' to. And to withhold contact would be very wrong.

You both have equal parental responsibility. As you were married. He has an absolute right, equal to yours - to go where he likes and meet who he likes without permission from you. You have the exact same rights.

Within reason. For example you cannot remove from the country without permission from the other parent.. etc.

Emergency contact is a red herring. You don't need an address. I presume you already have a phone number?

Of course this is upsetting. I am not saying that it isn't something we would all like. However if he is doing it to create drama... then don't give him the satisfaction.

Unfortunately you don’t really have a “right” to know.

It might - and I stress might - be ordered by court that you be told the address if you take it to court.

As far as who she is etc you have absolutely no right to know at all.

In what world are people thinking this is OK? There is no way my younger children would go to a secret address with an unknown person and their child! Stick to your gut feeling op, there is something very off about his behaviour!

As he is a reasonable father and it won't really make a difference in any divorce by mutual consent, could you have that discussion with him?

Just tell him plainly that he needs to be less secretive if the two of you are to get through the divorce amicably and work together for the beneft of your youngest. He needs to stop acting as though you are still married and he needs to hide his actions - you don't care, marriage is over, lets just move on.

@Sometimeswinning

In what world are people thinking this is OK? There is no way my younger children would go to a secret address with an unknown person and their child! Stick to your gut feeling op, there is something very off about his behaviour!

I don't think people are thinking that this is ok, I think more pointing out that legally there is little that can be done.

If she withholds contact and it goes to court, courts are likely to reinstate contact and she will be made to look like the unreasonable one.

There is no "right" for her to know the address unfortunately.

There is no "right" for her to know the address unfortunately

The op has asked whether she is right to be concerned about this. Tbf she has not mentioned going to court or even the possibility that he will take her to court.

If it was me I would find his address. (With my dh, I'll be honest, it wouldn't be difficult) Surely there are mutual friends, social media clues. Regardless of your 'right' you are well within your rights to snoop!

Well yes, I don't disagree with that, my friend was taken to court by her ex as she withheld contact as he refused to give her his address.

The courts upheld that their was no interest for the child for DM to know the address.

Clearly someone must know where he lives and a quick google of his name will probably show if he has a registered interest in any property. Certainly in the town I live (85,000 people) it wouldn't be hard to find anyone as everyone knows everyone.

In reality though she may well have to let he LO go and meet said new person without knowing her or where they live as it could be frowned upon and she is the one who could be seen as obstructive if she doesn't let contact carry on.

@finalpunt it's a crazy world! I can't even begin to imagine all the issues with this. Mumsnet is a massive eye-opener for me sometimes!

I have no idea where my children are when they stay with my ex, I know they sometimes stay at his girlfriends but I don't know her name or address. But I do trust him, he's their dad, I don't inform him when they are going on sleepovers etc on my time so I don't expect the opposite. I know it can be painful when relationships end and ex's move on but honestly unless you have good reason to fear for their safety, their dad is as competent a parent as you, at least in the eyes of the law/court

YANBU to want to know, but as other posters have said, you don't have a right to know what happens when they are with their other parent. It's a tricky issue. You could take it to court but even then unless there is a safeguarding issue you don't have much of a case at all.

It's hard to say whether you should be concerned. It doesn't sound like you should be - by your own admission he's a responsible caring father. It sounds more like you are put out about his new relationship, which is understandable but that doesn't mean his new partner is a bad person.

The new relationship is neither here nor there, however I find it odd that your ex won't give you his address. Unless you have form for stalking, then there is absolutely no reason not to give it to you. How is contact arranged? If not already it might be sensible to formalise contact through a solicitor to iron out issues such as having the address where your child is spending contact.

As he’s a responsible and caring father then no I don’t think you have a right to know, unless there was safe guarding reasons which there isn’t. When you split with your ex you can’t expect to know where they are 24/7, just like I imagine you don’t tell him where they are at all times.

Do you have a parenting agreement? My DH has one for his DSC and it stipulates they will let each other know where the children are staying if its not their usual overnight address.

Can you persuade/bribe the older teen to go along to meet new partner too? Then they can tell you where their dad lives.

The legal advice online appears to say that there is no automatic entitlement but that it is usually cleared up when finalising the contact order, where the courts take a very dim view of a parent unnecessarily withholding their address.

He sounds like an absolute idiot. So any forms you will in for the children from now on that ask for the address of both parents will say 'address unknown' next to his name, like a deadbeat dad who did a runner. I think you just have to ask in the spirit of being a successful coparenting team, aware that you can't force him or insist.

My children wouldn't be going anywhere if I didn't have an address, court would have to force me. Parents are responsible for there children all the time, not just when we can see them.

Unless there's a lot you're not telling us (eg that you have form for abusive or irrational behaviour or something) then this seems fishy to me.

I can't imagine that if I were you (or if I were the new partner) I'd want to do more than exchange a few polite greetings on the doorstep, so I wouldn't expect a formal meeting of introduction or anything, but it's very peculiar that your ex won't even say where he now lives or what his new partner is even called ... despite wanting your DC to go there. He must know that your DC will tell you all about her and her child after he's met them anyway, for a start. It's weird not to just be open about who she is. And I do think you need to know their address, definitely - it's not unreasonable to want to know where your 5-year-old will actually be when he goes to his dad's, in the unlikely event of an emergency.

Honestly, my best guess here is that a) your ex and his new partner were having an affair before your separation, as you suspect and b) the new partner is actually someone you know, or at least someone you know of. An acquaintance or a former neighbour or someone your ex works with and has talked about previously, or something like that. And he is too cowardly embarrassed about that to tell you yet.