Ex keeping new partner a secret

[Rainbowsnbutterflies]

Ok, so first time poster go easy on me please….. bit of background so as not to drip feed, was with my ex for 20 years married for 14, 2 gorgeous DC’s one older one younger. Separated last year, Ex said he was staying with family member- was clear he wasn’t but took youngest DC to there for contact, on average a couple of hours a week, older DC has very limited contact ( an older teen their choice) has recently come to light ex is living with new partner and step child. Ex is refusing to say where he lives or who partner is, but wants to take youngest DC to meet new partner and step child, Aibu to be concerned about this?? I don’t want to be that Ex and really would in a perfect world like us all to get on, but I’m finding it difficult as if he’s purposely trying cause animosity.

@thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear

Can you persuade/bribe the older teen to go along to meet new partner too? Then they can tell you where their dad lives.

Whilst I understand your point here it’s not something I would ever do, I try my very best not to involve DC’s in the separation angst, neither of them are aware of issues that led to the separation I try my best to always be civil about Ex when I am speaking about him to DC’s reminding them that he left me not them etc that he loves them. I guess it’s just a difference between me and him, I’d never introduce my DC to anyone with out putting his mind at rest first, I’d never move and him not know where the kids were staying etc.

@incognitoforthisone

Unless there's a lot you're not telling us (eg that you have form for abusive or irrational behaviour or something) then this seems fishy to me.

I can't imagine that if I were you (or if I were the new partner) I'd want to do more than exchange a few polite greetings on the doorstep, so I wouldn't expect a formal meeting of introduction or anything, but it's very peculiar that your ex won't even say where he now lives or what his new partner is even called ... despite wanting your DC to go there. He must know that your DC will tell you all about her and her child after he's met them anyway, for a start. It's weird not to just be open about who she is. And I do think you need to know their address, definitely - it's not unreasonable to want to know where your 5-year-old will actually be when he goes to his dad's, in the unlikely event of an emergency.

Honestly, my best guess here is that a) your ex and his new partner were having an affair before your separation, as you suspect and b) the new partner is actually someone you know, or at least someone you know of. An acquaintance or a former neighbour or someone your ex works with and has talked about previously, or something like that. And he is too cowardly embarrassed about that to tell you yet.

This!!! Exactly this!! I’ve no form for any irrational behaviour, to the contrary I am probably more open and want to keep the peace than most would be.

My thoughts are that if ex has moved on that’s nice- he is now someone else’s problem not mine, and whilst I am gutted that our relationship is over and this is an upsetting stage of the closure… he has a new world I’m still in a bit of limbo, I’m learning to like my new single parent life, I’m adjusting to it, good days and bad.

I’m not the kind of person that’s going to hurl abuse or air my dirty laundry on socials (she says on mumsnet) I’m certainly not looking for a new best mate in his new partner

It’s more that if he’s not telling me who/where why not…. And it’s the why not that worries me slightly- he knows I have certain morale standards I won’t budge in when it comes to DC, won’t have them around drug misuse of any sort, won’t have them in a position where they would be exposed to violence or arguing etc, and I’ve never ever had any concerns with Ex with any of these things.

We have had our issues as a couple - but generally he is a responsible father, I guess the secrecy is just casting doubt for me, and perhaps is adding Unnecessary drama, pain and upset.

I just want a quiet life he does his thing, the DC’s and I have our world he has good contact and if new partner is a nice person that’s brilliant any additional love and a guiding hand my DC’s get could only be of benefit in their life. I don’t know that I’m expressing my self very well

My guess would be that you know them, that's why he wants to keep secrets.

Feeling stuck! I recognise that there are parts of this situation that I am totally out of line for and I am desperately wanting to work on this but it’s eating away at me!
I’ve been with my fiancé for 5 years and from the start he told his ex (mother of his son) about me as things were very open with them. It seems she was possibly seeing a particular guy throughout their relationship but we have no clear evidence. Whatever. That’s the past.
However, 4 years ago his son mentioned that this guy’s name puts him on his shoulders. He then backtracked and never mentioned his name again for a while. The following year I overhear my son and fiancé’s son talking and he states that his mum has a boyfriend but he isn’t allowed to tell Daddy because Daddy will be cross. This is absolutely NOT the case. We never mentioned this as to not put him on the spot or make him feel uncomfortable. Last year, I was looking at the children’s iPads (I shouldn’t have been, I know) but I saw this same man had sent him messages saying he loved him so much, photographs of himself sending kissing faces and my stepson had wished him a happy Father’s Day. I told my fiancé and he asked him but he flat out denied knowing who this guy was?! Despite the evidence being there. Since then, it has been mentioned again but I have seen several messages from this man explaining he loves him so much, is so proud of him among other things. Yes, this is absolutely not our right to know about, I understand. However, the issue that we have is that this man is married with 2 children and has been married the entire time and my stepson has been asked to keep this a secret. The man has slightly changed his name as well as his Mum announcing a name change herself… bizarre. The messages that I have seen are eating away at me- the fact that my fiancé doesn’t know the full extent to the relationship, the damage of asking an 11 year old to keep this relationship a secret and finally, the poor wife not knowing!! I really don’t know what to do but it’s eating me up! Please help!

hasn’t been mentioned again it’s like this taboo subject that we just don’t discuss?!

I think it’s fair enough that you don’t like not knowing where your youngest actually is.

My partner has his children 50:50 and their mother took nearly to year to show any interest in where they were for half of the time. I thought it was thoroughly strange to be honest.