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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do...childcare related

29 replies

Barlyboos · 12/04/2022 00:09

I’m looking for some advice and opinions on a difficult situation.

My mum recently had a big argument with her partner which resulted in her being viciously pushed from behind (unprovoked) falling and hitting her face on the concrete pavement. My mum turned up at my door at 1:30am covered in blood and crying. She spent the night at my house then the next day my DH went to her house and turfed her partner out…unceremoniously.

Mum and her partner are shared owners in their property, my Mum is also my childcare, paid, 3 days a week, after a discussion with my DH the decision was made that our children would not be allowed in the house until her partner had moved out, which he did the next day.

Everything has been going ok, My mums face healed up without much lasting damage, her partner has stayed away but they are still in contact about bills etc.

My mum went away for the weekend and her ex came to stay to look after the cat, I have just called to see how her weekend away was and he is still there and intends to stay until they come up with a longer term solution to their housing issues.

I said that him being there causes me issues as the kids will not be allowed there if he is living there, she said that he won’t be there when the kids are but I don’t feel comfortable taking that risk as he works odd hours and I can’t guarantee they won’t cross paths. (She will not look after them at my house)

There is a lot more to this story but based on these facts, what would you do regarding childcare? Would you allow kids to go to nans or would you stay home and look after them yourself, which may result in me having to quit my job?

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 12/04/2022 00:13

Find a nursery or childminder, take a day or two off work if you have to. You'll never be certain he won't be in the house while your DC are there.

Why won't your mum come to yours? Any way round that?

RubyJam · 12/04/2022 00:17

I’d get a childminder or put my kids in nursery

You say you pay your mum ? So pay a different child carer …

Original poster
Barlyboos · 12/04/2022 00:19

She hates being at my house, we live on the same road so she just takes them to hers instead. When this all first happened we spoke about her having them here and she disputed it so much that I just don't think it's an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barlyboos · 12/04/2022 00:22

Paying a different type of childcare isn't really an option, I pay my mum half of what I'd pay other childcare and I absolutely can't afford to pay anymore than I currently do.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 12/04/2022 01:30

Can their dad help out financially?

HirplesWithHaggis · 12/04/2022 01:32

Are you eligible for universal credit? You can get up to 80% of childcare paid, I think. (Others will know more, but it might be worth checking out)

Martz · 12/04/2022 01:41

I think you’re right to be worried and I’d find alternative arrangements for your childcare until the partner is out of the equation. Even if the partner isn’t in the property when your children are there, if he assaults your mother again and she has visible injuries again, then your children are going to see these injuries. Inevitably this will be upsetting for them and they’ll begin to feel worried about their grandmother. I know it sounds an extreme scenario, but equally it is possible and these are the types of scenarios that SS think about when dealing with families where children are exposed to environments where domestic abuse occurs. Just because the children don’t see it doesn’t mean it can’t or won’t affect them.

HappyDays40 · 12/04/2022 03:22

I'm not sure why you are even asking OP you can't send children into an environment where they are at such risk. She needs to come to you if she is to continue, surely this is the only option other than professional childcare bu appreciate this isn't always possible.

Piper22 · 12/04/2022 03:37

There doesn’t seem to be any kind of valid reason as to why she can’t come to you. Very odd that she is protesting so much. Are you sure there’s nothing untoward been going in relation to her allowing him to access the children? Regardless, I agree with a PP, there’s not way you can allow them into such a dangerous environment.

Totalwasteofpaper · 12/04/2022 06:27

You live on the same road????
Really bizarre she would willing / actively choose to potentially put her GC in a position where they can witness domestic abuse....
Id ask her why she is choosing to do that? Do you not have sky snd she does?
I literally cannot think of a good reason and her coming to you resolves everything

Honestly i would really try and reason with her and explain the kids cannot/will not go there and the alternate is you lose you job. Because she wont walk down the road.

underneathleaf · 12/04/2022 06:33

Really bizarre she would willing / actively choose to potentially put her GC in a position where they can witness domestic abuse. From my most recent safeguarding course (DSL): there is no such thing as being a witness to DA anymore, if children witness it they are classed as victims in their own right.

Wheniruletheworld · 12/04/2022 06:39

What a very odd post. If your mother's partner is a shared owner, he is entitled to be in the property. You mum would have to get him legally removed.
Also v strange that despite living in the same street as you, she won't babysit at your home.
Are you more concerned about your mum or the fact that your childcare is being disrupted?

NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 06:39

@Barlyboos

Paying a different type of childcare isn't really an option, I pay my mum half of what I'd pay other childcare and I absolutely can't afford to pay anymore than I currently do.
I know it's tough but for their own safety they can't be there. He's wormed his way back in.
NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 06:42

@Barlyboos

She hates being at my house, we live on the same road so she just takes them to hers instead. When this all first happened we spoke about her having them here and she disputed it so much that I just don't think it's an option.
So reading it it seems like you have 4 options:
  1. She comes to your house.
  2. They go to her house.
  3. You pay for childcare elsewhere.
  4. Quit your job and look after them yourself.

You say 3 isn't an option and 2 damn well shouldn't be an option so it's either she comes to yours or you're going to have to quit your job.

daffodilandtulip · 12/04/2022 06:42

If your partner assaulted your mum and the children were there, and the police were called - social services would be involved.

I'm sure you don't want your children involved in all that.

NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 06:43

Are you a single parent or is there a partner who can/should contribute towards childcare?

Aussiegirl123456 · 12/04/2022 07:22

@NotTheOW

Are you a single parent or is there a partner who can/should contribute towards childcare?
OP mentions her DH several times in her post and states ‘DH and I would prefer our children….’. So I think your question is already answered! As for him contributing to the childcare costs, surely it all comes from a family budget rather than just mums paying me dad squirrelling his wages away? Well actually, I suppose after reading threads on here it’s always a possibility.

OP, maybe see if you’re able to qualify for any gvt childcare subsidy to assist with childcare costs if they were to go to approved childcare? Could be cheaper than paying your mum.
Even if she says she will mind them in your home, I don’t know if you’d be able to trust her not to take them back to hers while you’re working?
It’s a tough one

Sometimeswinning · 12/04/2022 07:23

after a discussion with my DH

Do people actually read?? Already people are asking if she is single or is the dad involved??

Caterinasballerinas · 12/04/2022 07:30

How old are the children? When do their free hours start (if UK?) have you looked into local pre schools which are often a lot cheaper than nurseries? Granted they are usually only school hours but could help maybe?

MargosKaftan · 12/04/2022 07:34

It might be worth asking your mum if they have a time frame. If its a month / 2 months it might be worth sucking up the childcare cost of a nursery /childminder and reassess after a month if its likely she won't end the relationship. Definitely check you and your dh arent entitled to any help towards childcare costs.

You know you can't send your dcs to your mum.

NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 08:18

@Sometimeswinning

after a discussion with my DH

Do people actually read?? Already people are asking if she is single or is the dad involved??

Ffs yes I read. But you know, early morning with a broken sleep I missed that bit. No need to get so arsey with me.
NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 08:19

As for him contributing to the childcare costs, surely it all comes from a family budget rather than just mums paying me dad squirrelling his wages away? Well actually, I suppose after reading threads on here it’s always a possibility yes this was my point, to make sure it's seen as a family cost not just OP's cost.

Can dad apply for flexible working? If you both condensed your hours you could both have a day off?

Sometimeswinning · 12/04/2022 08:34

Ffs yes I read. But you know, early morning with a broken sleep I missed that bit. No need to get so arsey with me.

Yes, I'm the arsey one!!! You definitely need more sleep with that attitude.

If it helps you weren't alone in not actually reading the post properly.

NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 08:40

@Sometimeswinning

Ffs yes I read. But you know, early morning with a broken sleep I missed that bit. No need to get so arsey with me.

Yes, I'm the arsey one!!! You definitely need more sleep with that attitude.

If it helps you weren't alone in not actually reading the post properly.

I'm just fed up of people having no tolerance for anyone making a tiny mistake on here. It's like Oh you made a mistake let's moan about you instead of focusing on helping the OP.
PotteringAlong · 12/04/2022 08:47

Remember you will be eligible for tax free childcare which reduces your bill by 20%. With that, will childcare still be more than your wages? If not, it’s not worth quitting your job.