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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to find my husband's half arsed complements not enough??

34 replies

Lafoosa · 11/04/2022 14:14

For some context I recently found out my husband has been watching porn all the time for the last year and lying to me about it. He hasn't been having sex with me really and when he has it's only been enough for him to be satisfied. I've spoken to him about things we could try in bed that would make it better for us both, but for the last year he's not really cared.
Sometimes if I put a bunch of makeup on and a nice outfit he'll say I look nice, but he never says I'm beautiful or sexy. I just feel like just "nice" is a bit of a crap compliment, especially when he actively looks at other women over me. Even if I put in a ton of effort to look really good it's never anything more than just nice.
I mean my mum looks nice, your gran looks nice, I just feel like never ever being called beautiful just makes me feel like he genuinely doesn't find me attractive at all. Sure I've had 2 kids so my body isn't as perfect as someone who hasn't ever had a child, but I'm only like 9 stone, and my boobs aren't so saggy that they look like I'm 90.
Is it unreasonable to expect him to at least make more of an effort in that department? I frequently give him complements so that he knows I'm attracted to him and to try and build him up, but he never does that with me.
It's starting to make me feel ugly because he's happier looking at perfect bodied women than me, and frequently says people on TV are beautiful or hot. But I'm just nice?

OP posts:
VyeBrator · 11/04/2022 14:17

It sounds like he's got what MNetters call 'the ick' I'm afraid and apparently there's not coming back from it.

He sounds awful though, especially the porn and looking at other women. I'd seriously be considering my future if I were you, without him in it.

Noodlenuts · 11/04/2022 14:27

I'd be more concerned about watching porn rather than having sex with me than I would about whether he calls me beautiful or not tbh.

Hont1986 · 11/04/2022 14:35

What complements do you give him?

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 11/04/2022 14:35

Sexually he is no longer in the real world....
He has chosen porn to keep him satisfied as it is easier than making effort irl.

Original poster
Lafoosa · 11/04/2022 18:40

@hont1986 I compliment him all the time, say he looks handsome, his hair looks good, tell him he looks smart, good, hot, sexy.
And absolutely every single time he changes up his look even a little a make sure I compliment him on it so he knows I'm actually paying attention.
As far as compliments to and praise he gets it all the time, so that's definitely not the problem here.

He can't even force out anymore more than a "nice" for me. I went out of my way today to do makeup, change my hair, put on a nice outfit and look more put together and the most he could choke up was a nice, and that was only after my friend said it first and he was like "yeah, you look nice".

He calls random women hot to his friends, or sexy. He's called my sister beautiful before when she's been insecure about herself.
But he can't even extend that to me, it's only ever nice. It doesn't exactly feel that great that I'm never anything more than just nice to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lafoosa · 11/04/2022 18:45

@noodlenuts I am, it's a huge issue at the moment that it's just easier not to get into the whole thing here. It's messy, and it's definitely broken the trust in our relationship as he knew how I felt about it and he did it anyway, and instead of engaging in a sex life with me!

He clearly doesn't particularly find me that attractive anymore since he won't have sex with me, literally never ever calls me beautiful, sexy, hot or whatever, and he has lost any kind of romantic bone in his body (not that there were many).

My appearance hasn't even changed that much, I'm only 22. I don't look that different after having kids, I've only gone from an 8 to a 10, so it's not like I've put on 12 stone and look like a completely different person than when we got together. Apart from breastfeeding making my boobs not as perky as they were pre-kids most things are pretty much the same. Bigger bum, bigger boobs, bigger thighs, but I thought men liked those areas more meaty anyway 🙃 so I honestly don't know why he's got such a huge issue.
Why am I suddenly hideous to him?

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 11/04/2022 18:47

He has mentally (and by the sounds of it, physically) checked out of your relationship. Nothing you do now will make a difference. Nothing he says should make a difference. It would be the easiest thing in the world for him to tell you you're beautiful, but still he's not. And is that really how you want to live your life, waiting for some half-arsed, forced compliment while he's getting off on porn and making zero effort himself?
I'm really sorry, OP, but you deserve better than this Thanks

mycatisannoying · 11/04/2022 18:51

I've just read that you're only 22. Holy shit OP, your post has the defeated air of a bored housewife in her 40s!
Is this really what you're going to settle for?
Bear in mind that it suits him to keep you undervalued, because then you won't have the confidence to leave him.

Concestor · 11/04/2022 18:53

You're 22. Life is way too short to spend with a man who can't be arsed with you. I'd split up and find someone who appreciates you.

Ahbisto · 11/04/2022 18:53

Sounds like it’s not you it’s having a baby etc has changed the relationship. Is he the same age as you?

Ionlydomassiveones · 11/04/2022 18:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

HollaHolla · 11/04/2022 18:56

You're 22. You have your whole life ahead of you.
Tell him how you feel, and that you cannot go on like this. If it doesn't change, no matter how hard it is, walk away..... Sorry.

NeverChange · 11/04/2022 19:05

If you are only 22, I'm fairly confident you are still sexy and attractive no matter what!

How is your relationship otherwise? Are you better of without him? Sexual rejection is a relationship has a really negative impact on your self esteem over time. How long are you prepared to put up with things if they don't change? Is he willing to discuss it as it sounds like neither of you are happy at the moment?

Hotchox · 11/04/2022 19:08

Your problems run a bit deeper than half-arsed compliments I'm afraid. You don't say whether you've explained to him that it's important to you, if not, do that. Keep in mind also that most men get no compliments whatsoever from strangers or acquaintances (and very few from friends) - he may just not feel that it's a 'thing' to think about, and that 'nice' is all you're looking for.

All that being said:

The porn, the lying, the looking at other women, the selfishness and lack of effort in bed, it doesn't sound great I'm afraid. You say you try to build him up - is he depressed in other areas of his life?

OatmilkandCookies · 11/04/2022 19:11

You are 22. Don't waste your life with a man who makes you feel like this.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2022 19:14

Omg, you're only 22! Please, please trust us when we say don't waste your youth and life on this porn-obsessed loser. Get rid of him and find a decent man.

BowerOfBramble · 11/04/2022 19:16

He's a self satisfied wanker (literally).

Can't believe you're only 22. Listen to me - IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM.
I'm practically twice your age and weight (not quite!) and my husband says I'm beautiful every day. He presumably thinks now he's got a ring on your finger and you're busy with babies he can stop the crappy efforts he made to get you into that situation. Did he ever really show he loved and respected you, at any time? Does he make you feel loved, appreciated, amazing, fun? Does he appreciate the kind things you do for him or the kids, the lovely compliments you pay him, how hard you work?

Or is he in fact essentially a wanksponge with a face on it who has landed a corker like you basically through the luck of the draw, and doesn't deserve you in the least? If it's the latter, please do tell him to BUCK THE FUCK UP or fuck off.

Mamabananananana · 11/04/2022 19:19

Hes doing that very unhelpful conparing porn to real life. It's unlikely that hell get a grip until he has no other option
Sorry op. I also hate " nice" as a compliment. Thats what you say to your gran

Original poster
Lafoosa · 11/04/2022 19:20

@Hotchox I've spoken to him about it quite a few times, and I've spoken to him about how his porn habits make me feel, and about how it doesn't feel nice when he can compliment other women to a higher degree than he even does with me.

He's had mental health issues in the past, but to be honest that's not really an excuse because he gets upset if I don't give him compliments and praise regularly, so if he's so aware of it for himself why is it so impossible for him to ever do it for me? But he can do it for other women who aren't me.

Even with talking to him about all of this stuff multiple times and being very clear and explicit in how I feel, what it is I want and how we could improve our relationship he doesn't care enough to actually listen to me. He genuinely tried to claim he didn't know I'd be upset about the porn when I've told him before that I feel like he's cheating on me when he watches porn all the time and doesn't ever have sex with me. He did know, but he just didn't care.

So all of these issues don't come from me not having spoken about it because I've been very very clear right from the start of our relationship what I want/need in a relationship but he stopped caring after a while. If it's not about himself he doesn't do anything.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 11/04/2022 19:23

* ...he doesn't care enough to actually listen to me.*

You're so young... Don't waste too much more of your life on this loser.

waterboats · 11/04/2022 19:31

Honestly, like others I wasn't expecting 22!!! It's not you, it's him. He's changed in the way he sees you and it's most likely the porn that's done it. For goodness sake do not spend another minute trying to please someone who has had his mind warped with make believe women. I'm not one for advocating leaving, but unless he decides/ agrees to getting help for you as a couple I can't see this ending well. Probably you'll stick with the relationship for a few more years have an increasingly lower self esteem. In my opinion it's make or break in your marriage now, and it's up to him to decide if he wants to fight for you, not vice versa.

Fuzzyhippo · 11/04/2022 19:51

I hadn't even been in a proper relationship at 22, I've known loads of young 20-24yr olds leave their relationships with kids and go on to find a lovely man even when they never thought they would

zhivagodr · 11/04/2022 20:03

Oh darling- listen to the wise advice above. You can do so much better than this man. Leave him and enjoy the rest of your life! X

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 11/04/2022 20:06

I am honestly horrified that at 22 years old you are prepared to put up with this OP. He needs and expects you to be constantly complimenting him, and yet can't raise more than a mere 'nice' when it comes to you, says it all. To me it sounds like he loved all the compliments and effort that you put into the relationship, but now that you've got kids and he's no longer number one, even though you're still putting in much more effort than a lot of young mum's in your situation would bother with, he's turned to porn, and has basically checked out of the relationship. I notice that you don't say what sort of dad he is, or if he puts any effort into other parts of the relationship, ie., keeping house, etc., but if my man couldn't do better than this, I'd be slinging his sorry arse out the door a.s.a.p. as he certainly doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 11/04/2022 20:09

Sorry OP your OH is a porn addict.

If you are in a relationship with someone with an addiction, whether it be drink, drugs, gambling, porn etc there will always be 3 of you in the relationship.

And the addition will always take priority over you

He did know, but he just didn't care.

^This sums it all up.

Please leave this guy to his world of fantasy women and move on to a better life for yourself. x

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