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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Inappropriate relative

27 replies

user1465146157 · 11/04/2022 10:44

I've posted on here before about a relative by marriage who I feel uneasy about around my kids. He's very touchy feely and I don't like it.

My 5 yo dd likes him as he always makes a fuss of her, big hugs, picks her up etc - I find it too much and unnecessary. His wife has dropped hints about her staying with them which is absolutely not happening but I can see a pattern forming whereby they make themselves seem really fun and I'm the bad guy by saying no. I also KNOW he knows I don't like it, and instead of being respectful he continues with the picking up, close long hugs and unnecessary hand holding.

Can anyone advise on how to deal with this - I have no proof anything is wrong just a feeling, I will never leave them alone together but I see I have to educate my dd to be aware. She is very trusting and it's a balance between not losing that in every area of life but in this situation being aware of what's okay / not okay.

We don't see them much thankfully but it's always an issue for me when we do.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 10:47

I read a post like this before about a sisters partner - was that you?

He knows you don't like the way he behaves with your daughter and something feels off. Keep your daughter away from him!

Don't let him near her. Ever.

Unforgettablefire · 11/04/2022 18:43

Go with your gut instinct, with this type of thing it’s normally right.
Him knowing you’re uneasy and continuing to behave like this is creepy and it’s disrespectful. Never leave your daughter alone with him, and maybe try to be around him less.
You’re 100% doing the right thing not letting her stay with them she’s your daughter and you get to say where she goes and who with. Far better to look the bad guy for now than have your kids molested. Don’t feel you have to give them reasons either, you don’t have to explain yourself to him.

FOJN · 11/04/2022 19:10

Trust your gut. It's better to be more cautious than necessary. No one's feelings are more important than your daughter's safety. Just keep saying no to them.
The NSPCC has age appropriate online resources for the pants rule for you to teach your daughter without frightening her.

Bootwall · 11/04/2022 19:11

Go with your gut.

It's terrible that he knows you're uncomfortable with this contact but continues anyway, this alone would have me happily cutting contact.

lemongreentea · 11/04/2022 19:15

Trust your gut and protect your child. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

SilverHairedCat · 11/04/2022 19:18

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule

This is a great resource to help you teach your daughter about body autonomy and safety without going OTT.

rahjama · 11/04/2022 19:22

GO WITH YOUR GUT

If he knows you don't like it he should be doing everything he can to make you feel comfortable and respect all boundaries. A normal person would be mortified at you being uncomfortable and overcompensating by being totally hands off. Him just continuing even though he knows you don't like it is wrong on so many levels

ThisIsM · 11/04/2022 19:34

If I've learnt anything in parenting it's that your gut feeling is usually right.

I once saw this video from a woman who works with sex offenders and she said that you should always call them out on any uncomfortable behaviour 'in plain site' - they are testing you to see how you will react and I think she said most of them backed off if there called out in public/taken to one side to say it makes you uncomfortable and please can you stop. So I would just mention it at first.

You're doing the right thing keeping her safe.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 11/04/2022 19:44

If you honestly believe that he already knows how you feel, and is literally continuing to do it to wind you up, could you tell him in private that you aren't comfortable with all the touching, and you would appreciate it if he would stop doing it? If he makes out that you're being silly, just say 'I don't care what you think, I'm not happy with you constantly touching my daughter, and if you continue to do it, I will stop her spending time with you'. That way you've laid your cards on the table, and then If you do have to stop seeing them and his wife asks you why, you can just say 'ask your husband, he knows why'.

Totalwasteofpaper · 11/04/2022 19:55

Trust your gut and address it openly now.
Groomers do it in plain sight and rely on people feeling uncomfortable about making a scene when they aren't sure / there is nothing concrete.

When your child isnt in the room... Have a clear direct and frank conversation about what is going to happen.
Do not touch her, do not pick her up.
Do not make offers or promises of sleepovers or visits. They wont be happening.

If and when they ignore you... take them aside and say your husband hasnt stop this. i am reducing / stopping contact

I wouldnt care who thought i was OTT

Jackjack0962 · 11/04/2022 20:02

Have you requested a Sara’s Law disclosure in the past OP? Even if you’re sure he has no past I would probably do one anyway as it gets a record of concerns onto police systems.

If you really can’t stop seeing this person keep your child in your sight at all times and as others have said call out anything you aren’t comfortable with.

NeverChange · 11/04/2022 20:26

It speaks volumes that he hasn't stopped doing it even though he knows you are uncomfortable with it and have asked him not to do it.

It is absolutely banking on the fact that you do something serious to prevent him from doing it, will be enough for him to continue and that you won't risk upsetting your sister. Classic predator behaviour.

Each and every time in a very loud voice "Dave, why do you insist on hugging and picking up my daughter, even though I've asked you not to multiple times?" If he's innocent, that will stop him. If he isn't, it won't.

Your relationship with and the safeguarding of your child, trumps any relationship you have with your sister. If she objects, ask her why he can't stop doing it when he knows you have asked him not to.

No means no and any sane person understands this.

NeverChange · 11/04/2022 20:27

*typo - won't do something serious enough to prevent

IronicElf · 31/12/2022 10:09

I had a conversation with my DDs about this age, about the nature of social interactions. Basically 'just because mummy talks to someone it doesn't make them my friend. There are people I talk to (in the street, at a cafe) who are really strangers. Friends of friends at other people's houses are also really strangers to me. Don't count them as trusted adults.'

It was a light conversation, but repeated every time they referred to someone as a friend, or asked who they were after we'd chatted.

It might be a stepping stone to a conversation about trusting 'closer' friends and family. We did go on to have that conversation, when one of my DDs noted that the small 'trusted circle' was all women (except for my DF) and never included their partners. I explained that Laura was my friend I had built a relationship with, and her husband Dave (obviously name changed) had been a friend for a long time, but I don't know him as well as Laura.

Laura can pick my DDs up from school anytime. Dave would need a phone call to the school to authorise (which he has in an emergency, bless him) or to use the password to confirm I'd sent him.

I agree that he's pushing your boundaries, and this is never a good thing. It's either a lack of respect for you, for women setting boundaries, or many other things, which lead up to grooming and him being a predator. It doesn't matter - pushing an adults reasonable boundaries is ALWAYS a bad thing.

Call him out in front of people, every time. Be utterly reasonable to start with. Say that you've told him it makes you uncomfortable, and you don't let just anyone do this - as you teach your DC how to set personal boundaries. Put her down now. Please.

After a couple of times of this, start to ask why he is disregarding your feelings and wishes. Insist on an answer, and no deflection from him back at you being unreasonable. Reflect that back to him as not answering, and insist on an answer.

IronicElf · 31/12/2022 10:10

sorry missed this was a zombie! Could use a warning MN

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 31/12/2022 10:13

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 11/04/2022 19:44

If you honestly believe that he already knows how you feel, and is literally continuing to do it to wind you up, could you tell him in private that you aren't comfortable with all the touching, and you would appreciate it if he would stop doing it? If he makes out that you're being silly, just say 'I don't care what you think, I'm not happy with you constantly touching my daughter, and if you continue to do it, I will stop her spending time with you'. That way you've laid your cards on the table, and then If you do have to stop seeing them and his wife asks you why, you can just say 'ask your husband, he knows why'.

This but don't do it in private.

BCBird · 31/12/2022 10:18

If this vile man. is not listening to u,is there anyone else who could speak to. I encourage you to continue to trust your gut instinct as itbis usually right. I don't actually think saying it in private is best,I think u should say this in public,but without ur daughter being there. Good luck.

EddietheEagle · 31/12/2022 10:31

@IronicElf

Oh no! You've woken up a zombie thread! 🧟‍♂️

IronicElf · 31/12/2022 10:46

I know. I don't know how as I'm always in active or trending threads.

Go back to sleep little thread... go to sleep...

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 31/12/2022 10:51

I also KNOW he knows I don't like it, and instead of being respectful he continues with the picking up, close long hugs and unnecessary hand holding.

This is a massive red flag for me. I'm cuddly and affectionate with kids of family members etc. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If I knew the parents didn't like it though I would absolutely stop. The fact that he deliberately crosses your boundary would make me very uneasy. I think you shouldn't listen to your gut.

user1465146157 · 31/12/2022 13:47

Despite this being a zombie thread, really appreciate your advice, it's still a slight issue today although limited as I have really tried to cut all contact as much as possible.
Obviously Christmas means this person is around again but I'm just watching everything like a hawk - still difficult and there was a comment last week about how they never see the kids - I just ignored it.
The instinct is still there and has not got better so I continue to believe something is off until proven wrong - I'd rather be wrong than risk anything.

OP posts:
CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 14:18

My view on this is slightly coloured by your post history and a seemingly anxious personality in general.

I don’t agree with PP to always listen to your gut, some peoples guts don’t really work properly due to multiple factors, trauma, mental health issues etc.

Sadly I think this might be the case here, nothing he has done screams inappropriate behaviour, being affectionate with children isn’t a crime.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/12/2022 14:23

Being affectionate with children when their parents are uncomfortable with it is unacceptable, even if it’s otherwise benign.

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 14:47

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/12/2022 14:23

Being affectionate with children when their parents are uncomfortable with it is unacceptable, even if it’s otherwise benign.

Unacceptable isn’t the same as inappropriate, and honestly if someone told me I couldn’t hold their child’s hand I’d be telling them where to go, it’s such a bizarre thing to get upset over.

The Op seems to have deeper issues which are colouring her view

EddietheEagle · 31/12/2022 14:53

@CleoandRalf

Unacceptable isn’t the same as inappropriate, and honestly if someone told me I couldn’t hold their child’s hand I’d be telling them where to go, it’s such a bizarre thing to get upset over.

If someone told you not to hold their child's hand, you'd tell them where to go? What right do you have to do that?? It's their child!!

It's up to the child's parent who holds their child's hand surely, and if the parent isn't comfortable for whatever reason, that's up to them.

Seems like you're the one who would need telling 'where to go' in that situation.

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