To dither about having children even though I want them?

[Elliephant22]

I am 32, no children. I have what you might call baby fever. I am yearning, longing to be pregnant and bring up a child. DH says he wants kids one day but is not in a hurry. But says if I am ready he is on board and will parent equally.

Despite all that, I am still on the pill and dithering. We have no family nearby. Finances should be OK. But it is so scary. Feels like throwing a bomb into our nice life. What if I don't cope? What if it messes up my career? What if I suffer miscarriages and trauma? What if my longing/baby fever is just unhappiness and transforms into some other dissatisfaction?

It just seems easier to keep going with our comfortable child free life and careers which are going well. How do I decide to take the plunge? Should I wait another year? We would ideally want two children but I can't even bring myself to TTC number one! Barely any of my friends have taken the plunge. They are mostly younger than me and many still single.

Any wise words of advice welcome. Thanks

The fact you want children shows your current life isn’t enough for you.
For me it was ‘how would I feel if the choice was taken away from me and I couldn’t have them?’
The answer was, devastated. That’s how I knew.

I would definitely be devastated at first but I like to think I could come to terms with it and be happy with a child free life long term. But it is true I feel like my current life isn't enough. I want the love and bonds of a family

So go ahead! Putting it off won’t make it more likely to be successful, quite the opposite in my experience.

It is scary as it is such an enormous decision. I had a GP who said to me (at 35) that the question is “do you want children or not ?” And if you do, there is nothing to gain from waiting, once other things are in place, especially in your thirties.
I do agree with this. My DH didn’t feel any urgency so we had children much later than I would have liked, and later than was sensible for me age wise. I was lucky and got pregnant easily but you don’t know until you try, whether you will have any fertility problems, and the earlier the better if there is an issue. If you really want children and you have the resources to bring up a child, then go for it soon, is my advice. You could wait another year, but think about what you are waiting for ? Because I think many people never feel really “ready” , if you think about anything deeply there are always pros and cons.
Also the reason we didn’t have children earlier, was that my DH was stuck in just these worries, once he made the decision to think of all the positives too, and not focus solely on the worries, then he felt clear that he wanted a child.
Babies do change your life , and being a parent is not what everyone wants, but as you are clear it is what you want, then don’t get too bogged down in the “what if this happens” etc, because all of life is unpredictable and sometimes you just need to take a leap into the unknown.
At 32 you could decide to wait a year of course, but I wouldn’t wait for much longer than that.

I think maybe the point is that, once you have them, your life changes so substantially that it never feels like a whim, more a core part of you. So instead of thinking it’s like ‘what if I moved to Brighton but changed my mind and wanted to move elsewhere and couldn’t’ it’s like ‘what if I decided to change my entire identity and personality’.

I’m 32 and pregnant with my second at the moment and have had this chat with a few of my child free friends. Their worry is ‘what if I do it and I want to undo it’? And my point is that they become such an enormous part of who you are that it sort of feels unthinkable - to undo having my kids now would be sort of to deconstruct myself, if that makes any kind of sense?!

I still have flights of random fancy, constantly thinking about moving house/job/etc and changing elements of my life! I don’t think it changes your personality that much. But I don’t regret it

My advice.....don't dither. I had 7 losses between age of 30 and 35 - left infertile by age 36 after 2 ruptured ectopics. Took 5 rounds of IVF and £35k to have children

If you're going to wait I would at least have fertility testing to see where you stand NOW (both of you) We started trying at 35 (OH was 30) and it's taken 5 years, 3 miscarriages and a round of IVF. Not what I expected. The NHS also classes you as 'geriatric' when to get pregnant over 35 (thanks for that!!)

I'll be 40 shortly after baby is born - would you be happy to be 40 and pregnant if things didn't go to plan?

I'd go for it, the decision isn't going to be magically easier in a year but I found every year of my 30s made a difference to how easily I got pregnant, how difficult I found pregnancy and how hard I found the first year which is pretty exhausting. If you want children go for it, they are amazing to have in your life.

Also, having children keeps you so busy you don’t have all that much time to dwell on what might’ve been - it keeps you very forward looking and motivated, which has been good for me as a slightly lazy person.

Im going to go against the grain and say no don't do it. You're 32, you'd know for definite by now if you wanted kids. I had 4 kids and was sterilised way before I was 32. I appreciate that's not the norm everywhere but it is in my circles. It's a huge change to life, some good some bad and I'd be too set in ways to contemplate that, especially if you're undecided. Unless you decide for sure it's what you want and are happy to give up or severely limit the childfree life you've got now, then don't.

@Elliephant22
There is NEVER a right time to have children as there are always reasons not to right now because this, that or whatever.

As a midwife I'd say if you want it go for it now as fertility reduces rapidly past mid 30's.

Once you have a baby like others have said it's like they have always been there. You struggle to remember what life was like before they came into your life.

Of course life is different on so many levels and some people take to it easily and some not so easily.

Life is full of risks but if you truly want to be a mother take note it is the hardest job you will ever do but it can also be the most rewarding.

Sorry, but I think you should think more about the prospective children's future lives and less about your own. The world is getting much worse very quickly. Heard of global warming? On top of everything else. I wouldn't bring a child into the world now.

It is scary, but your life kind of just shifts to accommodate the new 'normal', just like everything. No one can foresee the future, but I was a bit like you - I was 32 when I got pregnant with DD and actually prior to my 30s I had been quite ambivalent about having children and erring on the side of not. It's been the best thing I've ever done and has brought a joy and love to my life I didn't know existed. Of course it's hard and life has changed in some ways, but I'm still me, DH is still DH, I work, and life just carries on in a different way.

I'm 36 and expecting my second now and back to feeling nervous about that!

Every big life decision is a risk. Some people genuinely don't take to parenthood. But I think you can tip the odds more in your favour by having a supportive partner, a stable relationship, and decent finances which give you an element of freedom in how your life post-baby is. Some of it is out of your hands, but it's a life experience that I am extremely glad I haven't missed, and for me 32 was probably the perfect age (and I even fretted I was still a bit young )

@Moodlesofnoodles

Sorry, but I think you should think more about the prospective children's future lives and less about your own. The world is getting much worse very quickly. Heard of global warming? On top of everything else. I wouldn't bring a child into the world now.

Do you have children?

@Elliephant22

I would definitely be devastated at first but I like to think I could come to terms with it and be happy with a child free life long term. But it is true I feel like my current life isn't enough. I want the love and bonds of a family

Are you sure you really want it or is it FOMO?

@Elliephant22

I would definitely be devastated at first but I like to think I could come to terms with it and be happy with a child free life long term. But it is true I feel like my current life isn't enough. I want the love and bonds of a family

I felt very similar to you "maybe some day but not sure" and I always projected this opinion to others whenever they asked if we were going to start a family (I hated being asked that question from the moment we got engaged). It ended up feeling like I had convinced myself i wasn't bothered. None of my close school friends have yet to have kids and I enjoyed our life, careers, travel etc. My husband has friends who have kids and he was definitely more ready than me but knew it was a joint thing and never put any pressure. I made a list in my head of all the places/things I wanted to do before trying and worked to that timeline but then Covid happened. That list started to feel more like a list of excuses especially since our life had been on hold for 2 years. The more i thought about it, the more I realised i would be really disappointed if we couldn't have a family. I'm now pregnant with our first and i won't deny there wasn't a panic. It happened quicker for us than i anticipated (which we are very fortunate with). There have been some tears worrying about all the changes to our lives. I initially was worried i hadn't bonded with the baby because i wasn't ready and didn't feel all the excitement others did but once i felt the stronger movements/kicks and having a scare with reduced movements I know it is 100% the right decision. I will go back to my list but also add lots of family friendly things to it too. Yes, I am now prepared (as much as I can be) for all the changes this will bring but I also know that this change from what I enjoy now isn't a bad thing.

Kids are life changing. You need to both seriously consider how having kids will work.

How do you manage your finances?
How do you share household tasks?
Would either of you want to work part time?
What are your views on childcare?
Do either of you have any time consuming hobbies? And could you consider scaling back your involvement?

I would talk through all of this and then if you are on the same page and want kids, crack on with it!

Kids are dramatically life changing. You don't sound like you are sure on this and for that I'd say don't do it.

Yeah you could have them, muddle on and put up with the disruption to your life and finances. Maybe you will even find that you enjoy it and love being a mum. But if you don't, you are stuck and that's your life. And you'll have to also do a very good job of making sure your kids don't figure out you regret having them.

They wreck your home, your life, your finances, your body, your mental health. They do also enrich your life and can make you very proud. Do not go into it dithering though, it's a yes or no, not maybe. Fine to go into it knowing it's likely to be crap, that's healthy to be honest. Better than being blind like so many are. Think of the worst situation to yourself for having kids, and if you still want them, go for it.

I was your age, 32, when I got pregnant unexpectedly.
I definitely was not prepared and it was a huge upheaval in my life....but of course it is going to be for anyone.
I think early 30s is a great age to become a parent. Having said that, there is no perfect time. The first 2 years I found very hard (post natal mental health issues here) but my DD is 4 now and a wonderful little character.

It 's definitely good to talk through all the factors with your partner regarding finances, help with childcare, what to do about work, how you may need to change the house etc. Having a plan will really help you. With no family support I'd definitely think about paying for help ie. mothers help, nanny or even doula.
Good luck with your decision.

You can wait another year or two if you think it's going to change something.
But you probably will never feel 100% ready.

My only advice would be: don't listen to the "don't have kids" advice from people who have kids themselves (they don't walk their own talk, so why would you listen to them). 🙂 Like this one:

"Im going to go against the grain and say no don't do it. You're 32, you'd know for definite by now if you wanted kids. I had 4 kids and was sterilised way before I was 32."

My advice is to hurry up! I was you - started TTC AT 33 I'm now 35 and still not closer to it due to issues that only became apparent TTC. Knowing what I know now I probably would have started at 30.

You take it for granted most people do and think coming off the pill means they'll have a baby few months later, it's just not how it works for some

@Moodlesofnoodles

Sorry, but I think you should think more about the prospective children's future lives and less about your own. The world is getting much worse very quickly. Heard of global warming? On top of everything else. I wouldn't bring a child into the world now.

Such a mean thing to say

Get off the pill for a start off

I wouldn't dither. Once you start trying, if it doesn't happen straight away, you might find yourself wishing you'd started earlier.

There will never be the right time to have kids but you absolutely will not regret it.

Perhaps take the rest of this year to do all the stuff you really enjoy before ttc? I wouldn’t wait much longer though assuming you are both on board. I had my first at 35 which in the end was a good age but I struggled with ttc for two years before that (no miscarriages just nothing!) which was very upsetting and worrying at the time.