To dither about having children even though I want them?

[Elliephant22]

I am 32, no children. I have what you might call baby fever. I am yearning, longing to be pregnant and bring up a child. DH says he wants kids one day but is not in a hurry. But says if I am ready he is on board and will parent equally.

Despite all that, I am still on the pill and dithering. We have no family nearby. Finances should be OK. But it is so scary. Feels like throwing a bomb into our nice life. What if I don't cope? What if it messes up my career? What if I suffer miscarriages and trauma? What if my longing/baby fever is just unhappiness and transforms into some other dissatisfaction?

It just seems easier to keep going with our comfortable child free life and careers which are going well. How do I decide to take the plunge? Should I wait another year? We would ideally want two children but I can't even bring myself to TTC number one! Barely any of my friends have taken the plunge. They are mostly younger than me and many still single.

Any wise words of advice welcome. Thanks

If I had my time again I wouldn’t have had children. Especially not the way the world is today. I have never been the same since, have struggled with bad depression and I feel miserable all the time. They leach money out of you. They are exhausting and it gets harder and more stressful when they are teenagers. I absolutely think it’s ok to not have children. Sorry OP had to be brutally honest.

@Lanareyrey sorry to hear this: I do think your perspective though is what makes me annoyed when people pity childless people. As though it's only ever having children that can make you happy which in turn ends up making childless people feel very sad/not complete when actually happiness is not dependent on having children or not.

I do think some of your concerns are valid, like not getting much support. Can you rely on your dh to keep his word about parenting equally? Do you have the finances to buy in some help if you need it like babysitters and maybe a cleaner?
Sometimes mental health issues pre or post natal can be made worse by feeling unsupported and it sounds like you might be somewhat anxious naturally so that is a bad combination. Maybe some counselling now, could help with that side of things. Improve your mental health now just like you might start eating healthy before trying for a baby.
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't have children but if you look at how you can put some things in place for yourself to get that support network and improved mental health you may feel like you are making an easier decision.

There will never be the right time to have kids but you absolutely will not regret it.

There is really no way you can possibly know this.

Feels like throwing a bomb into our nice life.

Well yes, it is. But is this the life you want forever?

(It's fine if it is!)

@Moodlesofnoodles

Sorry, but I think you should think more about the prospective children's future lives and less about your own. The world is getting much worse very quickly. Heard of global warming? On top of everything else. I wouldn't bring a child into the world now.

lol

Don't wait. Life is short and, while bringing up children is definitely hard, it's far better than not having if you can. Also, it's going to get harder as you get older, and less safe for you and the baby. And it's hard work, trust me, you don't want a toddler in your mid forties!
There is never a perfect time.

Well you can wait as long as you like but leaving it late can be problematic for many reasons. It may be pretty straight forward for you too, you just never know until you take the plunge.

Would add, that although I found the early years hard and wondered if I had done the right thing, the joy of small people in your life that comes is well worth it. Few people regret their children. Mine made life worth staying for.

We married young and children were always a ‘maybe in the future’ thing. I don’t actually like babies and children really. Then I got broody at about 30 and it was all I wanted. All rational arguments for pros and cons went out the window. I was suddenly desperate for children despite having a fun life. It sounds like you are not at all sure and it’s FOMO making you consider having kids. That’s fine but just think about how you might cope with it all, some children are more challenging than others and you can’t predict what sort you will get. If it’s not what you really, really want will you be resentful?

I had very regular cycles and had my first at 37/38 with no issues. I did check my reserve levels and my DH was also tested so we knew we were unlikely to have fertility issues.

Our pre baby life was great and we enjoyed it to a fairly full degree. Bucket list holidays, theatre and plays 2-3 per month, same woth love music, lots of hikes and weekend breals, nice bars and restaurants. We did this knowing we wanted kids and skiing in japan in tricky with a toddler.

We wanted to be financially very secure pre children and took an extra year or two to get all that in place. I am happy with those choices and i think waiting so we have more savings/ higher salaries has/ will make life with children much easier.

It is life altering and there is no "going back" so we made sure we were "done" and ready for children before taking the plunge.

'Are you sure you really want it or is it FOMO?'

Very good question. Also worth thinking more about your comment that you can see yourself adjusting to a very happy childfree life. It sounds like you want to shake things up, and change aspects of your life, and that's great, but it doesn't mean that children are necessarily the right answer

By the way, I had the baby fever, the intense longing, the desperate urge to have a family. I also knew deep down that the relentlessness of parenthood was not for me - I had worked with children for a long time so had no rose tinted ideas about what I would have been getting into. I'm 42 now and don't have children, and won't be having children. I'm not 100% settled with the decision yet, and I still have painful moments, but overall I know it was the right decision for me. I'm actively grateful that I don't have children a lot of the time!

Please don't underestimate how strong the messaging is that having children is the 'right' decision, the 'normal' decision for a woman. It can be so tough to disentangle what YOU actually want from what you are told you should want

Also worth thinking more about your comment that you can see yourself adjusting to a very happy childfree life.

OP said she would be devastated initially.

There aren’t any ‘good reasons’ to have kids. You don’t need to pass a test. I don’t know why I wanted a baby, I just did. Just go with your gut.

Ok you’re pregnant tomorrow- how long a mat leave can you afford? do you know how much a nursery is? How much disposable income would you have once you factor in childcare? Does your husband do his fair share of house work already?

I waited until everything in place, finances etc, had regular periods and fell pregnant straight away. Was 34 at the time. Had baby and period never came back. Early menopause at 35!

It's a very personal decision. If you want them just do it is my advice. You may fall pregnant straight away but even then you have 9 months to adjust to the idea of being a parent.

If you think you're going to do it then I wouldn't delay.

I was 33 when I got pregnant with my first. I have a 2.5 year age gap between first and second. I'm now 41 with a pre schooler and I feel old! Also i know a lot of people with secondary fertility who wished they had started a bit earlier.

The questions around will it impact you and your career and relationship, in my opinion, are all down to how involved your partner is. It he doesn't pull his weight in all aspects of the relationship then don't do it. If he is happy to leave his share of chores or admin to you then don't do it. IYou need to sit down and talk seriously about things like how will finances be shared on mat leave? What if you have a bad sleeper, will the one on mat leave be expected to do all night wakes because the other is working? Who is expected to do the housework if you have a difficult baby that doesn't nap when you're off? How will it work going forward with nursery drop off and pick ups, how will you decide who is going to take emergency leave when your child is off nursery sick which happens constantly when they first go? Will one of you work part time or will you both change your hours slightly?

I see so many people on here who have kids without discussing this (to be fair I did as well but thankfully I have a husband who does 50pc of everything including life admin) and then it's a shock when their husband comes home and expects his dinner on the table and a sparkling house because his wife is off with the baby. My husband always said 'your job is to keep the baby alive, we can worry about all the rest when I'm home' and got up with the baby in the night and took them for walks etc even though I breastfed, gives me lie ins, changed his hours and I changed mine so we could share logistics...and I still found it very hard.

I'd recommend sharing paternity leave so you don't become the default parent as well

My only advice would be: don't listen to the "don't have kids" advice from people who have kids themselves (they don't walk their own talk, so why would you listen to them).

I agree. I’m childfree by choice, I’ve never seriously entertained the idea of getting pregnant and could equally say that the op would know by now if she definitely didn’t want children.

The point is that she doesn’t definitely know one way or another - very normal and doesn’t mean one course of action should be automatically ruled out.

People like you don't end up childfree OP. You actively want kids! So just get on with it!
I say this as someone who is 38 and adamantly childfree.

People like you don't end up childfree OP.

I have to say, the op didn’t read like any comment I’ve heard a childfree person make either.

Are you sure you want then? I agree with pp about being very sure before you go for it.
It doesn’t sound like you want them to me. It sounds like gig could take having kids or leave it.

I got on with 22/23 yo as I had been told my autoimmune disorder may affect fertility so didn't hang around!

I suggest just cracking on with it, tbh.