To be angry about my dreary suburban life

[Peachypear10]

After getting a good degree, building a desirable, professional career, living/working abroad, I've somehow ended up living the life I wanted to avoid - living in a shoebox in British suburbia, watching TV every night, a Saturday curry or Nando's being the hightlight of my week. I can't believe I'm nearing my 40s and can't even afford to rent a place by myself. I'm furious.

Some of this is pandemic induced but mostly it's that I can't afford to do anything or move anywhere else. Is this just most peoples' destinies and I should accept it?

I could have written this myself. I had arrangements to do some exciting things, then covid hit... all best plans and all that. Somehow I'm now trapped in a suburban quiet lifestyle, scraping by month to month.

There are parts of it I do love, and trying to embrace that. But also feel like they could wait another 20 or so years! Feel I'm living a pensioners life .. in fact many pensioners have the disposable income to travel!

Salaries are low here, probably due to successive zero or half per cent pay rises due to "austerity", which has only served to condition people into accepting what are in practical terms pay cuts year after year.

We actually pay slightly lower tax here than in other western European countries due to the exceptionally high personal tax allowance which means a lot of people pay no tax at all. This is a big thing in the UK but actually disenfranchises a lot of people who have no interest in tax being spent well because they don't pay any. Quite why a French or a Dutch person on a low salary should be capable of paying a tiny amount of tax but a British person cannot is unclear.

Added to all of that we had antiquated infrastructure which means that if you want to have a reasonably well paid professional job, you have to live in a suburb close enough to commute, because its simply not possible to live slightly further away and get there on public transport.

Its a pretty poor standard of living here now and I'm lucky enough to be able to consider moving abroad. I too used to live abroad and I know things can be better than this. I also used to be able to deduct my commuting to work expenses from my personal tax bill when I lived abroad. I think its fairly ridiculous that this isn't even a consideration in this country as its something that would directly benefit people who do work!

I feel like a massive failure. Degree, professional qualifications, good work ethic - never managed to choose the right career or progress. Ended up in a part time role earning peanuts. Late diagnosis of asd explains a lot but also means I no longer hope I’ll fit in so I’m too scared and old to try again. I think a lot of people don’t get where they wanted.

@icelolly12

I could have written this myself. I had arrangements to do some exciting things, then covid hit... all best plans and all that. Somehow I'm now trapped in a suburban quiet lifestyle, scraping by month to month.

There are parts of it I do love, and trying to embrace that. But also feel like they could wait another 20 or so years! Feel I'm living a pensioners life .. in fact many pensioners have the disposable income to travel!

Yes, I've basically turned into my parents. Difference is my parents are knocking around in a 4 bedroom house they don't need, they don't have to work anymore, and they are always on holiday. They went to Spain for two months this winter. I doubt I'll ever retire, and certainly not with enough money to do 3-4+ holidays a year. So don't even have that to look forward to!

What would your life look like ideally then. What is the aspiration?

So this is really about being jealous of your parents' lifestyle, which no doubt they worked hard to achieve?

YABU - from understanding your background (degree educated, working abroad), this is in your control

If you don’t like it, take steps to fix it

What do you want? Much more productive to have a goal than to list your ( perfectly sensible) grievances.

Can you relocate?
Change your job?
Retrain?
Consider moving and commuting further?

Etc.

Good luck.

@squashyhat

So this is really about being jealous of your parents' lifestyle, which no doubt they worked hard to achieve?

Did they work hard? Probably but they were also lucky to be born at the right time. Lots of us now will never achieve the boomers lifestyle despite working hard.

@SucculentChalice

Salaries are low here, probably due to successive zero or half per cent pay rises due to "austerity", which has only served to condition people into accepting what are in practical terms pay cuts year after year.

We actually pay slightly lower tax here than in other western European countries due to the exceptionally high personal tax allowance which means a lot of people pay no tax at all. This is a big thing in the UK but actually disenfranchises a lot of people who have no interest in tax being spent well because they don't pay any. Quite why a French or a Dutch person on a low salary should be capable of paying a tiny amount of tax but a British person cannot is unclear.

Added to all of that we had antiquated infrastructure which means that if you want to have a reasonably well paid professional job, you have to live in a suburb close enough to commute, because its simply not possible to live slightly further away and get there on public transport.

Its a pretty poor standard of living here now and I'm lucky enough to be able to consider moving abroad. I too used to live abroad and I know things can be better than this. I also used to be able to deduct my commuting to work expenses from my personal tax bill when I lived abroad. I think its fairly ridiculous that this isn't even a consideration in this country as its something that would directly benefit people who do work!

Some really good points here.

Do you have children?

Your options are:
Move into a city or out to the countryside
Find fulfilment in your existing location - community arts or voluntary work are the obvious choices

I totally get you (and nowhere does dready suburbia quite like England). Realistically, are there steps you can take to change it? Are there children to consider?
If not, is there any way the suburban house can be swapped for a more urban flat, or is there the possibility to take another job abroad?

If you could wave a magic wand, how would your life look?

@squashyhat

So this is really about being jealous of your parents' lifestyle, which no doubt they worked hard to achieve?

What bullshit. The baby boomer generation were able to get on and climb the property ladder and save into golden pensions in a way that's out of reach for subsequent generations. Working hard had nothing to do with it.

I didn't read this to be about low wages etc and not having your own house, but about existential boredom of suburban life. Think I was wrong... But isn't that the point. I had a similar life of travel, education, ambition. Am now settled but live in small flat in the centre of the capital, so I can feel at the heart of stuff, do stuff, connect with people, hatch mad plans, meet the rest of the world. I could have a bigger house in the suburbs, like the one I grew up in. But for me that is soul death. What makes you happy is the question. Not sure trips abroad necessarily captures it. You can be abroad and it all feel pointless and a rip off. UK can be peculiarly depressing though. I mean I have been to suburban Leicester or any bit of Milton Keynes.

Where do you work and where do you live?
Are you fulfilling your potential career-wise?

I read this as you're a single person with no dependants. Is that the case?

I think some of it is just due to getting older. When you're young you have so many dreams and aspirations but reality & responsibility kicks in & you find yourself living a bit of a monotonous life.

But there's obviously the issue that living standards are declining & many can't expect retirement or later life like their parents/gps (regardless of how hard they work or not throw away money on sky 🙄).

It seems hope is somewhat lost which is sad & not a good thing.

So this is really about being jealous of your parents' lifestyle, which no doubt they worked hard to achieve?

Bingo! 😆

You do not need to be degree educated to get on in this world,saying that have you ever thought of teaching as a profession it pays a reasonable salary and has pension prospects.
Your parents have obviously worked hard to get what they have achieved and well done to them for that why do you begrudge them their holidays etc.

Well, my first suggestion would be to turn the TV off. Go and get some interesting books from the library, take up running or painting or whatever else takes your fancy. TV is stupefying.

After getting a good degree, building a desirable, professional career, living/working abroad, I've somehow ended up living the life I wanted to avoid - living in a shoebox in British suburbia, watching TV every night, a Saturday curry or Nando's being the hightlight of my week. I can't believe I'm nearing my 40s and can't even afford to rent a place by myself. I'm furious.

Who do you live with? Why do you live there? What are the reasons for making these choices you hate?

If you’ve got a great, desirable career, is it very low-paid?

Teaching won’t get you a tiny flat in a vibrant city though will it? And this is where our society is failing. House prices are so high you cannot expect to live somewhere fun on a normal salary. You could do 20 years ago.

@squashyhat

So this is really about being jealous of your parents' lifestyle, which no doubt they worked hard to achieve?

Sounds like it!

The baby boomer generation were able to get on and climb the property ladder and save into golden pensions in a way that's out of reach for subsequent generations. Working hard had nothing to do with it.

Just because they had advantages that subsequent generations won’t have does not mean individuals didn’t work hard throughout their lives. They also had challenges subsequent generations will not have. Swings and roundabouts.