To be angry about my dreary suburban life

[Peachypear10]

After getting a good degree, building a desirable, professional career, living/working abroad, I've somehow ended up living the life I wanted to avoid - living in a shoebox in British suburbia, watching TV every night, a Saturday curry or Nando's being the hightlight of my week. I can't believe I'm nearing my 40s and can't even afford to rent a place by myself. I'm furious.

Some of this is pandemic induced but mostly it's that I can't afford to do anything or move anywhere else. Is this just most peoples' destinies and I should accept it?

We are all a bit bored in our suburban village life too. My DM is retired but won't stop working entirely. I don't think she will ever stop as she likes to keep her brain going. I suggested she write down what her ideal week might look like to her- simple week, no social commitments, no cleaning or house maintenance schedule, just her and her lovely home within 10 minutes of us so she can come for coffee and dinner etc- not every day though lol.

It may seem like a dull idea but it will give you perspective on how you spend your weeks at the minute. We waste so much time just sitting down and wanting things that we don't use our time effectively and it brings us down. Covid has a lot to answer for with this big rut so many of us are in. Give yourself a break OP and look to what you want!

No, you shouldn’t accept it if it’s not what you want.
Start making changes. Change how you spend your evenings and weekends. Even if it’s small things like eating elsewhere, cooking something different, reading, doing a free course instead of watching tv, driving/taking a bus ride to somewhere you’ve not been before, join a hiking group
Get out of the boredom hole first then start looking at long term plans.
What can you do to earn more?
Draw up a plan and start taking steps.

God yeah I’m so over suburban drudge! I’ve put my house on the market this week with the plan to downsize and be mortgage free. I’m going to reduce my working week to 4 days too. Can literally feel life ebbing away right now!

So you have lived an interesting life, living and working abroad for what, 15 years? If you had stayed in the UK, bought a small flat 15 years ago, spent that time paying off a mortgage at historically low interest rates, you might now be in a stronger financial position, but would have led a much more mundane life. Unfortunately interest rates look to be on the rise as banks stop the money printing they have done for the last 12 years to maintain those low interest rates. You are now paying for you lack of financial forethought.

Do you live near a leisure centre and can you afford to swim or do a fitness class midweek? It will help break up the tedium of the week.

I think saying something is ‘unhelpful’ is a way of avoiding discussing elephants in the room.

Of course the fact previous generations are sitting on a disproportionate amount of wealth and housing affects the rest of us, in conjunction with other factors of course.

How does it help the OP on this thread, though?

Just to note, I don't resent 'boomers' I was just adding that my unadventurous parents in their 60s have (slightly) less dull lives than me!

Doesn’t almost everyone have a dull, suburban life though? What do you imagine other people are doing that you’d like to do?

@Lincslady53

So you have lived an interesting life, living and working abroad for what, 15 years? If you had stayed in the UK, bought a small flat 15 years ago, spent that time paying off a mortgage at historically low interest rates, you might now be in a stronger financial position, but would have led a much more mundane life. Unfortunately interest rates look to be on the rise as banks stop the money printing they have done for the last 12 years to maintain those low interest rates. You are now paying for you lack of financial forethought.

I worked in a full time, professional job, and saved a lot of money while living abroad. I didn't have a 10 year piss up.

The only people my age I know who bought flats 10/15 years ago and have since made a fortune on them did so because they inherited money in their early 20s, which I, and most people I know, did not.

OP I am taking it that you have no DC? If this is the case then the world is quite literally your oyster.

Create a mood board with what you want from life and see if there is a clear path to getting there.

There will be some constraints - Ideally I want to work in fashion and live in Paris but my skills, language and experience wouldn’t allow for that. However I could potentially move to a number of other countries /cities and work in IT systems - ok less exciting career but a life change nonetheless.

If you have DC it’s different, life can be quite boring when raising them

I worked in a full time, professional job, and saved a lot of money while living abroad.

Where's that money now?

You say you can't afford to rent your own place. Do you still have it?

I couldn’t live a typical suburban life either, OP, so I understand the feeling of resentment, frustration and “stuck-ness” you describe.

It’s hard to provide any practical advice without knowing things you probably won’t want to share like your income, relationship status, children etc. I set myself up for the life I wanted probably easier than most could due to being child-free and having a decent income and flexible job (which has been partly hard work/ education but also a lot of luck/ right-time-right-place).

If finances really do prohibit you from saving even for a small place in a more suitable area (that lends itself better to doing the things you want to) that you can call your own, then I agree with another poster that it’s about doing more things that make you feel alive. Eventually you’ll find something that you feel passionate about and that makes you feel like you are living. Not just working with nothing to look forward to but your Friday night Nando’s!

Start a local book club that meets outdoors in good weather (brings cakes and takeaway coffee) and in a nice cafe otherwise.

Where is your closest body of water? Five minutes fully submerged/ swimming/ bobbing around is exhilarating and a flask of coffee afterwards with a nice cake from a bakery (cake features heavily in my ideal activities ) while looking at the water can feel quite therapeutic. Maybe next time you’ll stay in for ten minutes, or you’ll hire a paddleboard or swim further or whatever.

Where is your closest hill.. or a farther away one? I always feel like achievements like a hill walk with a picnic lunch (or the swim) are a good way to blow away the cobwebs and feel alive.

I live in a small house that used to be a farm outbuilding so I don’t have a garden as such (it’s cobbled and courtyard-y rather than a traditional front and back garden) but I do have a lot of pots and planters and window boxes. It’s fun (to me!) to plan what I might try to grow each year and potter around the various plants.

These might not be your thing.. but maybe some things to try if your living and financial situation really can’t be changed. Good luck finding your best life.. I have no doubt you can do it!

My son has complex special needs and my caring responsibilities have left me with a much smaller life than the one I imagined i might have.

I have had to find joy/meaning in the smaller things. I had a look at things that made me happy when I was a child and tried to do those things as an adult. So I took up drawing/painting and joined in a sport I used to like and read books.

I'm not suggesting you give up hoping for more exciting things but ordinary life is wonderful in its own way too.

Without getting into the left-right debate in French politics, it makes interesting reading to look at just how much more developmental many of the policies in France are in comparison to the same old from the UK.

One of Marie Le Pen's policies is that under 30 year olds in France will pay no income tax. While it might not be for everyone, theres certainly a bit more thinking going on in other countries about how to make the situation fairer for young people who want to progress in life in the way which was standard for their parents and grandparents.

One of Macron's policies it to increase retirement age to 65 and put up the minimum pension to 1,100 euros per month. This sounds like luxury to a British voter.

Le Pen wants to lower VAT on energy and fuel to 5.5% from 20%; Macron wants to scrap inheritance tax on estates worth less than 150,000 euros. Which I think is interesting because it shows how common paying inheritance tax is in France compared to the UK, and that is something that keeps house prices high in the UK - unearned wealth meaning some buyers have a hugely disproportionate leg up the property ladder compared to others.

What would you like your future to look like OP? I think in order to stop yourself from drowning in resentment, you need something to focus on.

I am a bit like you, in that I got a good degree, worked in professional jobs, travelled for a few years, but for various reasons have not ended up where I thought I would at 37. However some of that is due to my choices, and some to circumstances - hey ho.

I could be bitter about my parent's generation having an 'easier' time of it, but they had different challenges and less opportunities than I have. I had education and travel they never did - and I enjoyed those times. Anyway, I know because of my current circumstances, the chances of me ever owning my own home are pretty non existent.

Maybe try and think outside the box completely, if you don't have children/ dependents you have the chance to change things, or plan for a different future. I am saving to build a tiny house on wheels, which some people may find a bit bonkers but I love the idea. I can travel around and live in it, or live cheaply and work part time. It has helped me not be so pessimistic about the future.

The traditional things our parents aimed for - 3 bed semi, decent pension etc. may not be as accessible to us, but you can try and carve out a different life for yourself, just be honest about what you want and aim for it.

Do you live in the South East op? You say you are furious because you can't afford to buy or even rent your own place deapute saving lots of money whilst abroad. I think you need to take charge of your life. Move somewhere cheaper if you want to buy or have a bigger disposable income so you can travel. Living more rurally makes ourdoor pursuits easier if that's your thing? What is it you actually want that isn't suburban living? I'm over 40 but live a fairly ordinary life in a village with my dh kids butlive for school holidays and the great outdoors.. I have friends left the UK who move around the world working abroad with their kids, some who live lin cities and live for the culture and nightlife childfree. The thing that makes us all happy is that we've identified what it is we want. You sound a bit like you are waiting for life to happen to you.

Salaries are low here, probably due to successive zero or half per cent pay rises due to "austerity", which has only served to condition people into accepting what are in practical terms pay cuts year after year.

We actually pay slightly lower tax here than in other western European countries due to the exceptionally high personal tax allowance which means a lot of people pay no tax at all. This is a big thing in the UK but actually disenfranchises a lot of people who have no interest in tax being spent well because they don't pay any. Quite why a French or a Dutch person on a low salary should be capable of paying a tiny amount of tax but a British person cannot is unclear.

Added to all of that we had antiquated infrastructure which means that if you want to have a reasonably well paid professional job, you have to live in a suburb close enough to commute, because its simply not possible to live slightly further away and get there on public transport.

Its a pretty poor standard of living here now and I'm lucky enough to be able to consider moving abroad. I too used to live abroad and I know things can be better than this. I also used to be able to deduct my commuting to work expenses from my personal tax bill when I lived abroad. I think its fairly ridiculous that this isn't even a consideration in this country as its something that would directly benefit people who do work!

Some really good points here.

@MissyB1
@SucculentChalice

Would you both be well-paid London commuters by any chance?

This is a charter for shifting the tax burden away from them onto the low-paid.

I agree op

@LauraNicolaides

Salaries are low here, probably due to successive zero or half per cent pay rises due to "austerity", which has only served to condition people into accepting what are in practical terms pay cuts year after year.

We actually pay slightly lower tax here than in other western European countries due to the exceptionally high personal tax allowance which means a lot of people pay no tax at all. This is a big thing in the UK but actually disenfranchises a lot of people who have no interest in tax being spent well because they don't pay any. Quite why a French or a Dutch person on a low salary should be capable of paying a tiny amount of tax but a British person cannot is unclear.

Added to all of that we had antiquated infrastructure which means that if you want to have a reasonably well paid professional job, you have to live in a suburb close enough to commute, because its simply not possible to live slightly further away and get there on public transport.

Its a pretty poor standard of living here now and I'm lucky enough to be able to consider moving abroad. I too used to live abroad and I know things can be better than this. I also used to be able to deduct my commuting to work expenses from my personal tax bill when I lived abroad. I think its fairly ridiculous that this isn't even a consideration in this country as its something that would directly benefit people who do work!

Some really good points here.

@MissyB1
@SucculentChalice

Would you both be well-paid London commuters by any chance?

This is a charter for shifting the tax burden away from them onto the low-paid.

No. I live on a small farm in rural Scotland.

No. I live on a small farm in rural Scotland.

Well that failed then! But I'm not sure that bringing the working poor into the tax system and subsidising commuting is the way forward. Although this has virtually nothing to do with @Peachypear10's plight, so I'll say no more

@Fairisleflora

Teaching won’t get you a tiny flat in a vibrant city though will it? And this is where our society is failing. House prices are so high you cannot expect to live somewhere fun on a normal salary. You could do 20 years ago.

This is totally correct. It’s not pensioner bashing to say that this was possible 30 years ago- final salary pensions, retiring at 60-65 at the latest, could often afford a house on one job. The over 65’s did not get to the situation many, not all, are in just by working hard and it is ridiculous that people keep saying so

Regardless of financial constraints around where you can live, why are you choosing the basic option for how you spend your time? Ditch the tv and get War and Peace from the library. Ditch the Nando’s and cook an interesting recipe - loads are available online for free. Neither of those would cost more than what you’re already doing, in fact you can save money by getting rid of your tv licence. You need to look for the interesting things that are available to you in your current circumstances if you can’t change them. Evening classes, community groups, national theatre showings at the cinema, get out to local nature spots, etc.

@LauraNicolaides

No. I live on a small farm in rural Scotland.

Well that failed then! But I'm not sure that bringing the working poor into the tax system and subsidising commuting is the way forward. Although this has virtually nothing to do with @Peachypear10's plight, so I'll say no more

Because thats whats done in other countries. I addressed it above. Having swathes of the population who don't pay any tax at all (and constantly labelling them as "poor") isn't very good for making them feel part of a society working towards a better future for anyone. It de-incentivises them and creates barriers where none should exist.

The personal tax allowance in the UK is at least double and in many times quadruple what it is in comparable western European countries. Its quite bizarre.

And its not "subsidising commuting" - its recognising that commuting to work costs are a solely work related expense and that everyone who works should not be penalised. Its particularly pertinent in this country because for most people outside London, we cannot just jump on an S Bahn or the local train and get to work cost effectively and reliably in a short time.

It also creates barriers so you get towns in places like where I live full of people who wouldn't even consider commuting to the nearest big city an hour's drive away because they cannot park, and they cannot afford to buy nearer. So they end up stuck in dead end jobs because no-one in their right mind would spend 4 1/2 hours on a bus per day.

So not London, not commutable and we need to encourage people to be part of productive society, not label them as "poor" and write them off as some kind of basket cases.

Not being funny but what do you earn and what’s your income going on? How come you’re so skint - are you paying off a high mortgage ? Kids with loads of hobbies? There are ways to make lifestyle changes so you don’t have to be so skint if you’re not happy with how your life is going. Stop getting nandos for one, you can go out and eat somewhere interesting for half the price and have an afternoon out wandering round a free museum or something.

It sounds awful, OP. Living in a lego box, watching TV (does anyone do that any more?) and eating shit food - Nando ffs - if you only knew the animal welfare story behind that shite That sounds like a low IQ life.

Come on OP - stop with this now - you are in your 30s - a crossroads in life. Beware of putting your "career" before everything else. It won't make for happiness.

If you are free and no children, you could do this - it's an excellent set up. It could help you to "reset"
www.workaway.info/