Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Joint party.. bad idea?

29 replies

Cak309422012 · 11/04/2022 08:21

Dd has a friend who's birthday is about 12 days before dd's so her mum suggested they had a joint party somewhere in between. I've never held a kids party before and I kinda agreed now I've regretted it.

I told her we needed to book it a few weeks ago at a mutually good time as needed to be done around dh's work (he needs to be there as I have w disabled dc and I can't manage a party and looking watching him on my own) and she kept putting it off saying we will do it soon...

Now it's been Left it too late and the only time left at the local village hall isn't suitable for us at all but her friends mum has booked it anyway as it's suitable for her and still expecting us to do a joint party although it is not suitable for us. Plus it'll be 2 weeks before DD's birthday, way too soon, was going to be the weekend in between. Seems to be her way or no way and she wants a big surprise party, I don't want it to be a surprise. We simply cannot do the time she's gone and booked and put me on the spot. As well as not as she was being bossy about the food and cake etc saying it's got to be home made. I'm shit at making cakes and don't really have the time, I'm more likely to buy a cake from Asda or maybe Colin the caterpillar 😅

I told her that we will do our own party which I'm more than happy with, like doing my own things but she's shitty because I said it will be joint, now it's not. But we simply cannot do the time she has booked.

Being made to feel like I've let her down but have I? All that's been booked is the village hall, nothing else. Nothing else has been bought or done. I assumed she would have a party anyway. The time and day is much more suitable for her Dd'a party.

I've just realised I want DD's party to be extra special and all about her. She's been through a lot covid aside and she often has a tough time due to her brother being disabled and a lot of our time going to him. I really want to just have her special day now!

Aibu? It's not like it's all booked and I have let the mum down!

It's not until June btw. But the village hall gets booked up fast. Hoping there will be a slot left for Dd if not there is lots of other party venues around ☺️

I suffer from anxiety and I hate feeling like I've let someone down but I need to put us and Dd first!

OP posts:
Pyri · 11/04/2022 08:30

It’s absolutely fine to do your own thing in this situation, it just isn’t convenient for you

One question for you though - this paragraph:

“I told her we needed to book it a few weeks ago at a mutually good time as needed to be done around dh's work (he needs to be there as I have w disabled dc and I can't manage a party and looking watching him on my own) and she kept putting it off saying we will do it soon...”

“Now it's been Left it too late and the only time left at the local village hall isn't suitable for us at all but her friends mum has booked it anyway”

Did you tell her the date you wanted and research any venues / offer to book, or did you leave it to her to organise?

Iggly · 11/04/2022 08:32

With a joint party you have to be very clear on expectations. If she wasn’t booking I would have booked. Or called it off.

Freddiefox · 11/04/2022 08:36

I’ve had lots of joint parties abs you need to be clear about what your expectations are.

This isn’t going right so it’s fine to bale. But I wonder whether it was just left for the other mum to sort out, while you say back seething.

NeededAction · 11/04/2022 08:38

I would just reiterate that the date that she has booked for the village hall does not work for you, therefore you won’t be having a joint party.

Original poster
Cak309422012 · 11/04/2022 08:41

@Pyri

It’s absolutely fine to do your own thing in this situation, it just isn’t convenient for you

One question for you though - this paragraph:

“I told her we needed to book it a few weeks ago at a mutually good time as needed to be done around dh's work (he needs to be there as I have w disabled dc and I can't manage a party and looking watching him on my own) and she kept putting it off saying we will do it soon...”

“Now it's been Left it too late and the only time left at the local village hall isn't suitable for us at all but her friends mum has booked it anyway”

Did you tell her the date you wanted and research any venues / offer to book, or did you leave it to her to organise?

No not at all, I've been messaging her for ages saying we need to organise a mutually good time and we will go get the forms as I just didn't want to book it without her input. I can do weekend usually. Didn't get much from her but then 11pm last night I get a message saying she's booked it for a weekday after school. Just not good for us!
OP posts:
Original poster
Cak309422012 · 11/04/2022 08:43

@Freddiefox

I’ve had lots of joint parties abs you need to be clear about what your expectations are.

This isn’t going right so it’s fine to bale. But I wonder whether it was just left for the other mum to sort out, while you say back seething.

No not ag all, I've been trying to organise for weeks and she's not been interested despite the one suggesting it. Then she just randomly books it without asking first. Not a good time for us work wise and kids wise!
OP posts:
Catflapkitkat · 11/04/2022 08:43

I heard this happen so many times. Basically, she has strong armed into paying for half of her party and I can guarantee you'll be doing all the cleaning up afterwards because she did the arranging.

Say, it isn't what you were planning and get out of it now.

JauntyJinty · 11/04/2022 08:50

"The date you've booked doesn't work for us so I'm afarid we'll have to do something seperatly"

but be prepared to be painted as the bad guy for "backing out" - althought I'll bet she has form for this kind of thing so people will hopefully be sympathetic to you!

Horridcreature · 11/04/2022 08:54

Ok to bale so that you can physically get into the building. Depending on background is how unreasonable you have been. If the mother comes back asking for money towards the costs think about how it actually worked.

It sounds like you had some vital requirements, such as times when your husband can attend and access. Possibly for the other family they are freer in which case you had to take the lead. Did you offer any date, time, venues for the party or try to arrange to meet up to take the decisions and arrange the party? Is yes then yanbu. If you just said we need to sort this out without taking steps and have just now changed your mind to say you want an individual party Yabu

Bunce1 · 11/04/2022 08:55

Having a disabled kid really limits our availability, I don’t know if i was clear about that from the start, so I apologise for any confusion. DH can’t make that time and I really need him to be there because of DS. I hope your Dd has a lovely party and really sorry that the dates didn’t work out. I’ve got to find a spot for Dd now- wish me luck 😅😂

JustLyra · 11/04/2022 08:57

Just tell her it doesn’t work for you, and you’ve realised that after birthdays being so limited for the last couple of years you want to do DDs birthday exactly as she wants so you’ve decided on i do usual parties.

Do it right away before she starts buying stuff for the joint party.

Original poster
Cak309422012 · 11/04/2022 09:05

@Horridcreature

Ok to bale so that you can physically get into the building. Depending on background is how unreasonable you have been. If the mother comes back asking for money towards the costs think about how it actually worked.

It sounds like you had some vital requirements, such as times when your husband can attend and access. Possibly for the other family they are freer in which case you had to take the lead. Did you offer any date, time, venues for the party or try to arrange to meet up to take the decisions and arrange the party? Is yes then yanbu. If you just said we need to sort this out without taking steps and have just now changed your mind to say you want an individual party Yabu

I was very clear what time and days we could do. Dh booked the weekend off that we originally planned (sat or Sunday wouldn't have made a difference) but the hall is booked, well it's not fully booked, there is a morning slot but she doesn't want morning. She's booked during the week which we can't do!
OP posts:
5foot5 · 11/04/2022 09:10

I've just realised I want DD's party to be extra special and all about her. She's been through a lot covid aside and she often has a tough time due to her brother being disabled and a lot of our time going to him. I really want to just have her special day now!

This is also a good reason but it is a bit unfortunate you didn't think of that before agreeing to a joint party. In a way the other mum going for dates you can't do as done you a favour as it gives you a good reason to get out of the arrangement without just saying "I changed my mind"

Mumski45 · 11/04/2022 09:19

If you had no input into the time and date booked then I would not feel guilty at all and just say it's best if we do it separately as we can't make that time.

It does sound more like she is getting you to pay for half of what she wants if she is not consulting you properly.

Great reason and time to get out of the arrangement before it goes too far.

MiniatureHotdog · 11/04/2022 09:23

YANBU. Just reiterate that you can't do that time so will do your own thing, then get on and book a time that suits you and enjoy Smile

Member984815 · 11/04/2022 09:39

Sounds like she wants to have a big party for her child but wants someone to split the costs , while she controls it .she didn't take any of your input . Have a separate party for your own daughter and let her carry on with arranging this one for hers . Tell her nothing about it is as discussed and it won't work for you

Original poster
Cak309422012 · 11/04/2022 09:43

@5foot5

I've just realised I want DD's party to be extra special and all about her. She's been through a lot covid aside and she often has a tough time due to her brother being disabled and a lot of our time going to him. I really want to just have her special day now!

This is also a good reason but it is a bit unfortunate you didn't think of that before agreeing to a joint party. In a way the other mum going for dates you can't do as done you a favour as it gives you a good reason to get out of the arrangement without just saying "I changed my mind"

I did think of it, we both casually agreed it would be a specific weekend that dh can have off work, she knows that I need him there for DS. We can do most weekends to be honest , she wants to do it during the week now...
OP posts:
Shopboughtmeatballs · 11/04/2022 09:49

Lucky escape I 'd say. My DD has the same birthday as a friend and her family always tried to make it a joint party despite the girls (over a ten year friendship) regularly falling out or having different interests. Keep it all at arms length if you can.
It's a shame you weren't clearer to start with, and it's a shame she didn't listen. These things happen. 🤷‍♀️

Ikeptgoing · 11/04/2022 09:51

Book the morning slot for party venue (hall) of the weekend your DH has already booked off for DDs birthday. Or do something different and small - go Karting, spa day, Cinema and pizza for 6, or whatever you feel you want to arrange.

You've already told this mumfriend that if you did joint party you couldn't do a party midweek after school so she's not booked a joint party has she?
She's just messed you around ignoring you requests to get together to book something joint.
I'd simply reply

"Hi I was surprised to hear you booked venue without asking at a time we'd said we couldn't do for DD. We'll go ahead and book DD her party on a different day. Hope it all goes well for you, the OPs"

And if anyone mentions anything then just say short version of the above.

There's always some CF "joint birthday party" parents out there , got caught by one in my time. I won't go into it, but never again....

Ikeptgoing · 11/04/2022 09:56

I meant book DDs birthday separately now... (seek below) Don't waste anymore time or this woman (who is just using you to get a bigger party for her DD but books a day you said you can't do and doesn't care if even your husband can attend his own DDs birthday party! )

Freddiefox · 11/04/2022 10:21

Text her that doesn’t work for me, I’ve booked the morning slot hope….. can come
along,.

Original poster
Cak309422012 · 11/04/2022 11:08

Thanks all. Sorry if I seem stressed. Got it all going on. I think Dd deserves a day just for her too, her friend can be quite bossy whereas Dd is a push over 😪

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 11/04/2022 11:54

Just don't stress. You've realised you don't want to do it jointly and she's given you an out. Take it. Don't then go back.

What's she actually said in reply to make you feel like you've let her done? From what I can tell she said she'd booked random weekday, to which you've said sorry no good, we'll do our own thing. Then what? Whatever has happened, ignore and move on.

Selttan · 11/04/2022 12:05

Is it common to have birthday parties during the week? I've never come across this.

MarmiteToTheEdges · 11/04/2022 12:12

@Cak309422012

Thanks all. Sorry if I seem stressed. Got it all going on. I think Dd deserves a day just for her too, her friend can be quite bossy whereas Dd is a push over 😪
Show her how not to be a pushover by sending a polite but firm message back.

'Hi X, I'm sorry you are disappointed that we can't do a joint party on the date you have booked. As I explained, I need Dh to be available so I'm afraid your booking that date doesn't work for us.

I hope bossy child has a lovely party. By the way, do you have any idea what she would like for her birthday this year?'