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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have called the police on my 18 year old son

37 replies

Wineisrequired · 11/04/2022 01:29

So his behaviour has changed over the last few months . He’s never out of the local pub and is very aggressive. He came home about an hour ago and started to get aggressive with me . Punching doors and calling me all the names under the sun. I was really scared and called the police. No arrest and they felt it best he sleeps it off if I’m happy for him to stay here but if they have to come out again he will be arrested . He’s now left the house again refusing to stay here. No close family nearby what would you do ?

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 11/04/2022 01:46

Sit down and talk to him when he’s sober. If it happens again call the police again.

Aussiegirl123456 · 11/04/2022 01:48

Personally, I’d step back and let him grow up. Probably one of the most difficult things you’ll ever have to do as a parent but as long as you can assure him you’re always here for him but won’t tolerate such disrespect, then you’ll be giving him one of the greatest life lessons because you just can’t treat people like that. Especially your own mother.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2022 01:52

Good for you on calling the police, and I would not be letting him back until he proves he's got his shit together. Horrible behaviour has consequences and he needs to know this.

Pinkbonbon · 11/04/2022 01:52

I'd wait until he was sober and over the hangover and tell him if he ever talks to you like that again he will be arrested and you will be changing the locks. Infact, I'd tell him that seen as he clearly couldn't handle booze without becoming a total arsehole, he shouldn't drink at all.

GarlandsinGreece · 11/04/2022 01:58

@Pinkbonbon, I agree with you. This is for sure someone who needs to get sober, but of course this depends a great deal on his circumstances and social circle, and whether he has the willpower and support system.

AKASammyScrounge · 11/04/2022 01:58

Let him look after himself now. He has given up the right to live in your home by being abusive to you. He sounds as if he will not reduce his drinking so if living with you, you:LL be on tenter hooks wondering if he will come at you again when he gets home from the pub. And he will, more and more frequently
It's no way for you to live

expat101 · 11/04/2022 02:20

Let him go for now. As AKA said, its no way for you to live.

Ponderingwindow · 11/04/2022 02:25

Hoping he doesn’t come back until he is sober.

Once he is sober and rational, I would make it clear that he cant live in your home if he is going to be an aggressive drunk. Make it clear you will call the police again. Suggest that stopping drinking entirely might be wise. Offer to help him find mental health support even if he doesn’t want alcohol avoidance support right now.

kateandme · 11/04/2022 03:06

As a parent though you've recognised he's changed/ somethings wrong.hence drinking is a symptom of that,not coping?not just a drunk bad boy. So if want to help him.get him help or at least try talking.of course you can't be unsafe. But this doesn't sounds like behavioural bad kid? So somethings wrong with him.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 11/04/2022 03:08

He needs to move out.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 11/04/2022 03:09

Where's his dad?

MissMaple82 · 11/04/2022 03:26

@GiantHaystacks2021

He needs to move out.
He's 18! Far too young. And why question where his dad is? How is that relevant!
GiantHaystacks2021 · 11/04/2022 04:15

Why is he too young?
He just threatened his own mother and called her every name going.

You sound very permissive.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 11/04/2022 04:18

Yes, like I said, where IS his dad?
Could he go and stay with him?

Restfulkitty · 11/04/2022 05:18

Well done for calling the police. Please ring them again and get him arrested. You were scared of him and he needs to under that and what the consequences are. One day he may hurt his girlfriend or child.

Is he on drugs? May account for the behaviour change.

JoyLurking9to5 · 11/04/2022 05:23

You shouldnt have to live in fear of his rages.

He's "refusing" to come back!! Dont plead with him to come back.

If he ever comes back, make it clear it's your home and he xant terrorise you in it.

HELLITHURT · 11/04/2022 05:47

Leave him alone for a couple of days,, don't chase him. When he's ready to talk, then be calm and explain what you want.

Murdoch1949 · 11/04/2022 05:59

Your son was bang out of order, and you did the right thing as he was violent and it could have escalated further. When he returns have as calm a discussion as you can, explaining how he frightened you and that there must never be a repetition. He needs to apologise to you. If he is stroppy, won't apologise then maybe he needed to move out. You may need to change the locks if he won't hand over his keys. It may just take him.a few months to realise that he's been a fool, life outside the home is expensive and much more difficult, and he may well ask if he can come home, Ground rules can then be established and you can move forward. Good luck.

Original poster
Wineisrequired · 11/04/2022 06:28

So he came back at 3 this morning and said he’s really sorry. The police are coming back later to talk to him again . He really scared me as he much taller than me and it’s just not like him. I’ve told him he needs to stay out of the pubs and concentrate on his job and uni course. Hopefully we can work through this as I love him to death and only want the best fir him

OP posts:
Original poster
Wineisrequired · 11/04/2022 06:29

@Restfulkitty I do worry about drugs as it’s rife around here . The behaviour is not good but also not him

OP posts:
KokusnussFlips · 11/04/2022 06:34

I wasnt going to comment on this thread until I saw the update and saw your son is at university. Presumably in his first year. I just wanted to say that I really struggled to adjust to university and turned to alcohol in my first year. All my old friends from school were having a great time and didnt understand or didnt want to hear about what I was going through and I hadnt made any new friends who I considered close enough to talk to. Maybe your son is struggling with uni and doesnt know where to go for help.

Porcupineintherough · 11/04/2022 06:37

You did the right thing. Hopefully this will be a bit of a wake up call for him and will make him focus on what his limits should be (behaviour and drinking). If things have changed recently, maybe ask him if everything is ok.

RantyAunty · 11/04/2022 06:44

You did the right thing.

I hope you can set some strong house rules for him.

Original poster
Wineisrequired · 11/04/2022 06:47

@GiantHaystacks2021 I split up with his dad when he was tiny so there is no one he can stay with

OP posts:
OverByYer · 11/04/2022 06:48

It’s good that he’s apologised. When he wakes up I think you need to try and explore what is the root cause of his outburst. Maybe he’s not happy or struggling at uni, or has girlfriend trouble?