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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL controlling summer holidays.

34 replies

charlottecruz · 11/04/2022 00:13

AIBU for being annoyed that MIL wants to control summer holidays.

We have just had a 10 week DS and up until now, DP and I did not live together. Pregnancy was unexpected, and we only recently since DS was born have started living together. We were both living with our parents, so going on holiday with our parents, though we often would meet mid holidays and he would come over to my parents city, and I would go to his. (as we are originally from the same country, so go on holidays every year to the same country.

FIL lives in said country, and not with us, and MIL, so DP only really sees FIL during holidays. My MIL has demanded, or more so expected that in 4 weeks that we will be on holidays, I spend 4/5 days with my family and the rest with his and in her city, and claims it's "he's also got family back home" and "his father lives there" yet fails to acknowledge that I too have family, and whilst I understand he doesn't see much of his dad, I think it's only fair to split the holidays 50/50 as our DS should be able to spend the same amount of time with both sides of the family. Apparently it's unreasonable of me to demand 50/50 split since FIL lives abroad.

AIBU for standing by 50/50 holidays spent?

OP posts:
Original poster
charlottecruz · 11/04/2022 00:22

NOTICE:

Every year until now I have spent roughly 2 weeks in his city, and 2 in my own, but he would only spend a couple days in mine. I brushed this off due to him having his dad around and wasn't fussed because I still spent a good amount of time with my grandparents and family.

However now we have a baby and can't just go our own way, so think it's only fair baby has a 50/50 split of each family.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 11/04/2022 00:38

What has your DP’s response been to her demands?

HeddaGarbled · 11/04/2022 00:39

You don’t want to get into the habit of spending all your summer holiday visiting family. You need time at home to relax, catch up with local friends, do things locally. This will become more important as your child gets older: they will have friends, social events and activities locally.

See family for shorter periods throughout the year. Make them come to you sometimes. Put your foot down now, and don’t set precedents that will be difficult to wriggle out of in a few years’ time when they are no longer sustainable.

Original poster
charlottecruz · 11/04/2022 01:13

@Sn0tnose

What has your DP’s response been to her demands?
Well, this topic came up fairly recently and DP and I haven't had the chance to talk about all of this yet. This conversation initiated at the dinner table when my parents and his (MIL & husband) were having dinner once together and she just happened to say "after you spend 4/5 days in her city, you come back to ours" and my mother didn't quite like that as she believed it was unfair. They discussed it between the two of them and DP and I just sat there quiet not wanting to start an argument, we haven't spoken about this before? Should I address it with him?
OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 11/04/2022 01:18

Definitely talk to him about it. Your respective parents can demand and dislike anything they want but, essentially, how you and your DP spend your leisure time is none of their business.

It’s only if your DP either agrees with his mother or is too much of a coward to stand up to her that you’ll have a problem.

Original poster
charlottecruz · 11/04/2022 02:55

@Sn0tnose

Definitely talk to him about it. Your respective parents can demand and dislike anything they want but, essentially, how you and your DP spend your leisure time is none of their business.

It’s only if your DP either agrees with his mother or is too much of a coward to stand up to her that you’ll have a problem.

thank you. i am going to address this issue with him. i suppose i'm probably overreacting to all this at the end of the day it is our decision and no one else's.
OP posts:
MeasureTwice · 11/04/2022 03:33

Unless you need him for support with the baby (maybe less of an issue when you're with your family), would you be willing to have him continue to spend less than two weeks with your family? Or is her demand for more time more to do with spending more time with your child?

TidyDancer · 11/04/2022 06:56

I don't understand why this needs to be so controlled. You can have a holiday with his family and a holiday with yours. There's no need for a rigid split and it's not up to your parents (either of them) how you do it.

It does sound like quite an odd/controlled arrangement anyway though. Are you very young? I'm wondering if that's why your boyfriend's DM seems to think she can have that much control over you.

notanothertakeaway · 11/04/2022 07:05

Congratulations on your baby

Time to start making your own arrangements. Make sure you're on the same page as DP. Best not to get drawn into family expectations around holidays, christmas rotas etc

Womencanlift · 11/04/2022 07:11

You sound very young OP but you and your DP are parents now so it is time to find your voice.

You will be the one deciding where you spend your holiday time not anyone else.

Also do you and your DP not work? As spending 4 weeks away is the majority of most people’s annual leave allowance. What if you need holidays or emergency childcare days at other points in the year?

Original poster
charlottecruz · 11/04/2022 07:14

@TidyDancer

I don't understand why this needs to be so controlled. You can have a holiday with his family and a holiday with yours. There's no need for a rigid split and it's not up to your parents (either of them) how you do it.

It does sound like quite an odd/controlled arrangement anyway though. Are you very young? I'm wondering if that's why your boyfriend's DM seems to think she can have that much control over you.

DP is 28 and I'm 23. He's an only child and has always been a mummy's boy, she very much always requires him around. I believe it's the idea of him not always being around her is the issue. It's the fact that we are living together, we've got a baby and do not need to live by anyones rules. Typically we have always gone on holidays in summer to see family and friends, so the idea of being equally fair to both seemed logical. The controlling is not just the issue it's the unfairness she wants to demand.
OP posts:
Original poster
charlottecruz · 11/04/2022 07:20

@MeasureTwice

Unless you need him for support with the baby (maybe less of an issue when you're with your family), would you be willing to have him continue to spend less than two weeks with your family? Or is her demand for more time more to do with spending more time with your child?
Neither me or him want, or think it's the right decision for us to not spend holidays as a family, the 3 of us. So this would never work. I don't think it's absurd that we both want to spend time with our families, and we're more than happy to spend our times with each side. What the issue is, is my MIL wanting to demand that we spend the majority with her family and me almost ignore mine.
OP posts:
Original poster
charlottecruz · 11/04/2022 07:24

@Womencanlift

You sound very young OP but you and your DP are parents now so it is time to find your voice.

You will be the one deciding where you spend your holiday time not anyone else.

Also do you and your DP not work? As spending 4 weeks away is the majority of most people’s annual leave allowance. What if you need holidays or emergency childcare days at other points in the year?

I'm a SAHM, partners work luckily allows him to take over 4 weeks per year. Maybe it's how we've been raised, our parents always used to go back home in summer, which we both WANT to do. When we think of holidays we both want to go back.

You are right we need our own voice and I think I will talk to DP about this because MIL should not be trying to dictate our holidays or anything for that matter.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 11/04/2022 07:26

tbh i'd say to DP "meh. I will spend as much time with your family as you do with mine. And see how that plays out. There is no need for you to spend any time discussing your holidays with MIL at all.

Your MIL can only control you if you let her. Boundaries are way overdue here.

TenoringBehind · 11/04/2022 07:32

Time to start doing your own thing and setting firm boundaries.

ConfusedByDesign · 11/04/2022 07:34

Is the country far? Could you go without your dp to see your family at other times as well?

AdaColeman · 11/04/2022 07:37

You are grown up now, just make your own holiday plans.
Learn to say “no” to relatives when you disagree with their suggestions. While this might cause upset or tension initially, in the long term it will make your life better.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 11/04/2022 07:38

Oh gawd don’t you ever get to go on an actual holiday somewhere else

🙈

I have a 1 year old and on my maternity leave I flew back to my parents house a good bit just me and the baby for a week here and there - my partner stayed home

Just visit your family alone as you don’t have to take annual leave

Then can’t your husband visit his family for 1 week at some point leaving 3 weeks for you guys to have other holidays as a family

sirensscreech · 11/04/2022 07:42

As long as you keep living with MIL she will continue to treat you as children.

If you want to be treated as autonomous adults, start by moving out!

BorderlineHappy · 11/04/2022 07:44

As an only child with a DM like your mil you need to put your foot down now.
Start as you mean to go on.

HikingforScenery · 11/04/2022 07:45

@Fupoffyagrasshole

Oh gawd don’t you ever get to go on an actual holiday somewhere else

🙈

I have a 1 year old and on my maternity leave I flew back to my parents house a good bit just me and the baby for a week here and there - my partner stayed home

Just visit your family alone as you don’t have to take annual leave

Then can’t your husband visit his family for 1 week at some point leaving 3 weeks for you guys to have other holidays as a family

Good suggestion
alrightfella · 11/04/2022 07:50

Just because you have a child together doesn't mean you have to do everything together! Before my dc were in school I used to often go to my parents for a week at a time while dh was working.

Fadeout83 · 11/04/2022 07:59

Ah parents in law. Gotta love them. They don’t control you OP. Your baby, your family, your life, your choice. The fact that you’re choosing to spend any of your precious time together as a young family with others should be appreciated, especially so early on. Your DP and you will need to be on the same page though, so get on it before you address MIL. The cheek of the entitled woman!

underneaththeash · 11/04/2022 07:59

The next time your MIL bring it up, you say. We're going to do 50/50 from now on, it's only fair.

The end the conversation.

Sirzy · 11/04/2022 08:03

If you don’t want to spend some of the time apart from each other then I do think spending more time with his Father makes sense - 1/3 his dad and then 1/3 each extended family maybe?

But the key thing is it needs to be the choice of you and your partner not your MIL