MIL controlling summer holidays.

[charlottecruz]

AIBU for being annoyed that MIL wants to control summer holidays.

We have just had a 10 week DS and up until now, DP and I did not live together. Pregnancy was unexpected, and we only recently since DS was born have started living together. We were both living with our parents, so going on holiday with our parents, though we often would meet mid holidays and he would come over to my parents city, and I would go to his. (as we are originally from the same country, so go on holidays every year to the same country.

FIL lives in said country, and not with us, and MIL, so DP only really sees FIL during holidays. My MIL has demanded, or more so expected that in 4 weeks that we will be on holidays, I spend 4/5 days with my family and the rest with his and in her city, and claims it's "he's also got family back home" and "his father lives there" yet fails to acknowledge that I too have family, and whilst I understand he doesn't see much of his dad, I think it's only fair to split the holidays 50/50 as our DS should be able to spend the same amount of time with both sides of the family. Apparently it's unreasonable of me to demand 50/50 split since FIL lives abroad.

AIBU for standing by 50/50 holidays spent?

The key issue is you and MIL are discussing it and not you and dp. But if he didn't want a fair split I'd understand why his dad might trump your family in his mind- unless it's siblings or parents aswell.

Like a PP, when I was a SAHM I used to take my son back to see my parents (we were living overseas at the time) by myself quite regularly. I used to take him to visit my husband's family too, as I wanted him to have a relationship with them and for them to feel more involved, but you don't have to do that (and tbh, I'm not sure it really was worth it, as they're still not that interested in my kids, but I tried).

Family then visited us regularly, so husband saw them plenty and could keep more annual leave for going on other holidays just the 3 of us. He did see less of wider family and friends for a few years as a result, which didn't really bother him but may mean it's a less appealing prospect for your partner if he's keen to spend more time in his home city.

I agree with PP about setting clear boundaries now - you will want to change how things work for holidays and family time over the coming years, so you need to make it clear that you and your partner are in charge, not MIL or your mum, but also that you have equal say with your partner.

So all your partners hokiday is used up seeing family? You know you will want to start making your own family holiday memories, taking your toddler good places they can experience things too if you're able. It all seems a bit odd.

We used to do the whole 50/50 thing with time at Christmas and visits home and it was tiring. It wasn't requested so much as I felt guilty for leaving and put pressure on myself. We had Christmas to ourselves more recently and it was amazing and made us realise that we do a lot of the running around. We now 'visit family' but we don't spend all day with them. We have our own plans and visit each for an hour or two here and there. If it's a trip out somewhere it's easier to spend longer but I feel that I can't do a lot of sitting inside.

Op has said the holiday to home suits her and dp so that is fine. Things may change as dc gets older. Or not. Re mil start as you mean to go on… speak to Dp tell him it’s not going to happen and next time it comes up just say it’s 50/50 and you can’t wait to see both side of family. I suspect You may have to repeat

An earlier poster pointed out to you the language and assumptions in this is all wrong.

You and DP are the ones who decide who and where you spend your time off with baby.

Your MIL gets no say and she certainly doesn't get to start demanding 50:50 with DPs dad and herself and ignore OPs DParents. What proportion is ridiculous so don't start saying 25% each parent /50:50 each side of family either, OP and DP are not children - they are parents themselves now. Don't set up any future rod for your own backs.

Just reply "MIL we will let you know our holiday plans when we have decided. Its not up to you to tell us who we will visit and when"

Really do not give any leeway to MIL. If I were you, I'd find time in those holidays to have at least a week just you DP and DBaby

I wouldn't want to be anywhere near your MIL she is too controlling. I would rather stay home than put up with that but I am older and wiser now.

Start it as a conversation about what the two of you will do, and what YOU would like to do (50 /50) rather than starting with opposition to his mother.

“When we go on holiday shall we do the first 2 weeks with your family and the second 2 weeks with mine, or would you rather do it the other way round?”

Calmly stick to your guns, and I know you feel you want to spend your whole holiday together call his bluff. “That’s fine, if you want to spend the extra week with your Dad I will be happy enough spending time with my family, my Mum can help me with the baby, and I can join you a week later”

Not RTFT but my parents are from different parts of Ireland (they met in Engand) and when I was a kid my mum used to take us for a week to her family first, then my dad would join us and we'd go to his part of the country and then we'd have a week somewhere else in the country with just my mum & dad (no extended family). This way we got to see all the extended family but still had a "family" holiday. Maybe something like this might work for you