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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being 'too' much ?

44 replies

hays29 · 10/04/2022 18:48

Met a guy on a dating site 6 weeks ago. We chatted for about a month - he seemed really keen and we spoke on the phone and video chatted a lot. He works loads and is busy but always made the time.

Anyway, he called me one afternoon asking if I was free that night. We met for a couple drinks and lovely time etc. Then he went a bit cold for a couple of days. I brought it up and said if he's now not interested it's absolutely fine. He called saying 'don't say that you know I really like you ' and been fine since. Anyway, I've been away with not much signal and he started texting a lot more this week and upping the interest. He suggested he book a hotel near to where I am and we could go out to which I was excited about as am beginning to really like him. Went out had sex and - great night and since AGAIN gone cold? He's texting the bare min. Earlier he did try to call me and just ignored it cus I'm genuinely starting to feel as these 'last min' dates etc is because he's bored and I'm just an option. Every time I try to pin him down for a date to go out it never materialises.

That's my gut but then the other part of me is thinking .. it's been six weeks stop being so bloody needy. I haven't dated in such a long time it's the first person I've seen since I divorced my ex and honestly I just dunno what the rules are 😩

OP posts:
NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 18:49

Follow your gut instinct

OneTC · 10/04/2022 18:51

He sounds like a dickhead

DrManhattan · 10/04/2022 18:53

Hes using you for sex. Bin him off

HighOnPie · 10/04/2022 18:53

🗑

asfuckedascanbe1224 · 10/04/2022 18:54

Don't go last minute! Tell him you're busy and if he wants to book another date to give you time/day with time so you can organise your diary Wink
If he doesn't bother then you know why...

Asterales · 10/04/2022 18:58

I totally get where you're coming from, and just to reassure you, there's nothing in your post that sounds like you're needy. You sound very grounded and sensible. Trust your instinct, and if you're not feeling it from him bin him off and move on! You can do much better than someone who's a bit lukewarm and flaky.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 10/04/2022 19:00

I think you've got the measure of him. These last minute dates don't show much care or thought.

girlmom21 · 10/04/2022 19:01

You're fine. He's the problem.

Original poster
hays29 · 10/04/2022 19:03

I'm thinking just about bringing it up with him. Not that he'll ever admit so prob not much point and I'll prob just end up looking and feeling a dick

OP posts:
MaryAndHerNet · 10/04/2022 19:07

Hot and cold?
But he's still getting sex?
Treating ya mean to keep ya keen..

Fuck that shit. If you're happy just being a casual shag when he wants one, that's fine, but if you're not... Probably.shiuld cut this user loose.

blitzkoff · 10/04/2022 19:07

Are you sure he's not in a relationship and fitting you in last minute as he finds himself free ? Maybe wife is away ?

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 10/04/2022 19:08

He I calling you when he wants to get his end away.

Always go with your gut.

MatildaTheCat · 10/04/2022 19:09

You’ve met him twice? After six weeks that’s no great. If you want a regular relationship he’s not the one. Sorry.

Also, these ‘busy jobs’, sure they do exist but even the busiest people do have social lives and if it’s a particularly intense time you don’t start a relationship. But you might still fancy the odd shag….

girlmom21 · 10/04/2022 19:09

@hays29

I'm thinking just about bringing it up with him. Not that he'll ever admit so prob not much point and I'll prob just end up looking and feeling a dick
Honestly I wouldn't waste your time. I'd just say "you're constantly messaging until we meet up, then you cool right off. I'm looking for something more consistent so I don't think this will work."
AllFreeOwls · 10/04/2022 19:10

Sounds like he's just using you as an option.

Minoloso · 10/04/2022 19:14

He’s highly likely to be just wanting sex on tap. No guy who is really wanting a relationship behaves like this. I made exactly the same mistakes post divorce - women Newly divorced new to OLD are easy prey to chambers & players. Took me a while to realise that decent guys who are genuinely into you book proper dates in with you. I’d bin this one off immediately and however hard it is wait for about 4 proper dates next time before having sex.

Minoloso · 10/04/2022 19:14

Chancers not chambers!!

Madrenetterhere · 10/04/2022 19:17

Your gut is not wrong. At your own peril ignore it.

That's not to say your not being needy. He can be using you last minute for sex when's he's bored and you be needy.

Madrenetterhere · 10/04/2022 19:18

That's to say the two things aren't mutually exclusive.

Allsorts1 · 10/04/2022 19:19

You really have to harden up and play the dating game a bit. Don’t be too available, make him have to book you in. Don’t go seeking more contact, make him have to make the first move. If he doesn’t - leave it. Don’t bring it up with him, all you’re doing in that case is handing him all the power. The truth is either he 1) doesn’t like you and that’s why he’s gone cold or 2) does like you but is just busy. In either scenario, you letting him know you’re waiting for his texts and upset that you’re not getting them, is going to backfire.

Just play it cool!!! Even if it’s hard to do. You really have to consider the power dynamics in the dating game at this early stage.

And if he’s making you feel sad, find someone else to date!

Allsorts1 · 10/04/2022 19:24

And yes, as PP says, wait at least 4 proper dates where they have thought of lovely things to do with you before having sex. I’ve always followed this rule and it’s never lead me astray, have only ended up with lovely men and the shits fall away as they can’t manage to do the work required 😹

Minoloso · 10/04/2022 19:26

Also op, I’ve dated a fair few guys post divorce, and the least you are interested or text them the better. My motto ended up being, they are all twats until they prove otherwise, so I was super wary & cynical until I got to know them. This is crap, but 8 times out of 10 they were dickheads in disguise!

Jonny1265 · 10/04/2022 19:34

sounds like a dick - bin him off

SevenWaystoLeave · 10/04/2022 19:37

Complaining that he's not in touch but then ignoring when he calls you does sound a bit unreasonable tbh. Is the problem really that he's not in touch or he's just not in touch exactly when and how you want him to be? You did already say he's very busy at work, and some people just aren't constant texters (I'm not and having been in a relationship that was - yes it got tiresome that she seemed expect me to be basically in constant text contact and demanded to know a reason if I went any length of time without replying)

Original poster
hays29 · 10/04/2022 19:39

The problem isn't that he isn't in touch as such. It's the constant texts then we meet nothing.. like he's had what he was after and then will ramp it up when convenient FOR HIM. That's how it seems anyway.

OP posts:
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