Am I being 'too' much ?

[hays29]

Met a guy on a dating site 6 weeks ago. We chatted for about a month - he seemed really keen and we spoke on the phone and video chatted a lot. He works loads and is busy but always made the time.

Anyway, he called me one afternoon asking if I was free that night. We met for a couple drinks and lovely time etc. Then he went a bit cold for a couple of days. I brought it up and said if he's now not interested it's absolutely fine. He called saying 'don't say that you know I really like you ' and been fine since. Anyway, I've been away with not much signal and he started texting a lot more this week and upping the interest. He suggested he book a hotel near to where I am and we could go out to which I was excited about as am beginning to really like him. Went out had sex and - great night and since AGAIN gone cold? He's texting the bare min. Earlier he did try to call me and just ignored it cus I'm genuinely starting to feel as these 'last min' dates etc is because he's bored and I'm just an option. Every time I try to pin him down for a date to go out it never materialises.

That's my gut but then the other part of me is thinking .. it's been six weeks stop being so bloody needy. I haven't dated in such a long time it's the first person I've seen since I divorced my ex and honestly I just dunno what the rules are 😩

@hays29

The problem isn't that he isn't in touch as such. It's the constant texts then we meet nothing.. like he's had what he was after and then will ramp it up when convenient FOR HIM. That's how it seems anyway.

Cause that's how it is...

He wants something, he'll behave in a way that gets it... He'll get it it, the he won't have to behave that way anymore... Like a kid that wants a cookie..

Is he married ? Does he travel for his work and turn up in your area on a sort of regular basis ? If you're happy to be a fwb that's fine but if you're hoping for a relationship I'd either set him some boundaries ( don't be available last minute) or look elsewhere

@Allsorts1

And yes, as PP says, wait at least 4 proper dates where they have thought of lovely things to do with you before having sex. I’ve always followed this rule and it’s never lead me astray, have only ended up with lovely men and the shits fall away as they can’t manage to do the work required 😹

What if the woman wants to have sex sooner? Or is that inconceivable in your world?

@SevenWaystoLeave
Well done on missing the point

If it feels wrong then it is wrong. It shouldn't be this headfucky or complicated.
Bin him off. He doesn't deserve you. I can guarantee that he will come crawling back when you go cold on him. The 'push-pull' thing is how guys like this operate.
Stay strong and know your worth.

[quote DrManhattan]@SevenWaystoLeave
Well done on missing the point[/quote]
What was the point?

Definitely not married. I've done enough digging lol. I'm on all his social media etc

@SevenWaystoLeave The point is to hold off to check casual sex isn't all he's after. If the woman wants casual sex that's clearly fine, if she's interested in more it may be best to hold off.

@hays29

Definitely not married. I've done enough digging lol. I'm on all his social media etc

There's an assumption on MN that all men who are dating are married, some are of course, but also there are lots of single men who are dating and like to play games. In my experience many want to continue with their single life, prioritise friends and hobbies and keep a woman on the hook for when they fancy some female company. These men always have demanding jobs/difficult exes that change plans last minute/sick relatives/car trouble ......

He is using you for sex.
I work with men and they all brag how they use online dating for easy sex and how many women they are juggling etc. They even have texting "scripts" that they share with each other to get women to fall for them enough to have sex. If women only knew!

You’re a booty call. If you’re happy with that, then cool. If you’re not, then block, delete and move on.

You’ve met twice in 6 weeks?

Honestly… if it’s right you know and your gut is telling you it’s a waste of time.

Put this one down to experience and move on. You know deep down what’s happened.

Thanks all. Will be doing exactly that! All experience isn't it. I'll be honest I would actually be fine to do the same as in just meet up casually but would rather someone just be bloody honest about it, saves all the shit

Are you sleeping with him?

The path of least resistance… why would he commit when he doesn’t need to because you’re already giving him what he wants without much effort? Bin him he’s a using shit bag.

Listen to your gut.

Don't bother saying a word to him, it won't change him being a prat.

Just be unavailable and stop answering.

Far more annoying for him.

I’m sure he does like you.

But if he liked you enough to have a relationship with, he would be putting in a lot more effort than he is currently. He hasn’t completely ghosted you yet and I’d imagine that’s because he thinks he’s got you in reserve and the bare minimum of texts will be enough to keep you there in case it doesn’t work out with whoever he’s currently pursuing. If it does work out with them, you’ll simply never hear from him again.

Knowing now what I wish I had known when I did OLD, I would simply delete his number. I’m not a fan of ghosting so if he texts again, I’d reply that if he’d been showing me the best version of himself, then we were clearly wasting each other’s time. Then block him. You’re nobody’s Plan B!

Anyway, he called me one afternoon asking if I was free that night. We met for a couple drinks and lovely time etc. Then he went a bit cold for a couple of days. I brought it up and said if he's now not interested it's absolutely fine. He called saying 'don't say that you know I really like you ' and been fine since. Anyway, I've been away with not much signal and he started texting a lot more this week and upping the interest. He suggested he book a hotel near to where I am and we could go out to which I was excited about as am beginning to really like him. Went out had sex and - great night and since AGAIN gone cold? He's texting the bare min.

He went cold the first time because he thought you would invite him back for sex after the last minute date and you didn't. Its also not great that he didn't plan ahead and expected you to be ready that night. Then he started contact again because he thought he would get sex if he booked a hotel and he was right. He might text again if he thinks he can get sex again.

It doesn't sound like he's looking for a relationship, and despite what some mumsnetters would have you think, there aren't actually that many women who are ok with that. You don't sound as though you are so theres little point in you bothering with him if he is binning you off this early. He's unlikely to make a good partner, even a casual one. He just wants casual sex with the bare minimum effort.

Why are you bothering to be so nice to him when he can't even be bothered texting you? If he told the truth, he wouldn't have got sex from you at all most likely.