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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you have replied, or not?

62 replies

aibuainbu · 10/04/2022 18:41

Friendship with a close friend broke down without any reason reason.

I text my friend saying I was mourning the relationship and said I didn't completely understand why the breakdown had happened, and asked for her opinion on it.

She said she was busy but would reply later. 24 hours passed. I text asking if I should expect a reply, or if she'd decided not to. She said she was busy and would reply when she had the time to articulate properly.

It's been 3 days.

Do you think she should have replied by now? Or indeed just said she wasn't going to reply?

I find this waiting game weird.

OP posts:

NippyWoowoo · 10/04/2022 20:09

You've based this on?

Your OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2022 20:15

You've had months to think about this. She's had three days.

You were ready for the conversation. She may well not be.

lemongreentea · 10/04/2022 20:20

I text my friend saying I was mourning the relationship and said I didn't completely understand why the breakdown had happened, and asked for her opinion on it.

Did you text the friend you had a falling out with or a different friend to discuss it and get her opinion? Am a bit confused.

AreYouDaveGorman · 10/04/2022 20:23

OP very similar happened to me. I totally understand. Well, a friend just basically ghosted me. I jumped from upset/angry/confused all the time until I decided to just message her.
I was very nice, asked what happened, apologised if I had done anything without realising etc.
She just replied "you haven't done anything, sorry, just been really busy"
If I'm totally honest that reply hasn't helped or given me any kind of closure. So I've treated this like I would treat the end of any relationship. They're just not that into me, I've deleted them from my social media/phone and am moving on. Tbh I don't even know what I'd say if she got in touch now, but I really would have liked closure.

SlashBeef · 10/04/2022 20:27

I think its really immature of you not to just ask her directly if she's upset about whatever thing you think she's upset about. Instead your playing a bit of a game. The whole "mourning for months" spiel would have had me rolling my eyes too.

godmum56 · 10/04/2022 20:27

If you had mnessaged me saying that you were mourning the relationship I deffowouldn't have replied. Thats crazy talk

givingupchocolatemonday · 10/04/2022 20:29

All seems very intense.
I have a friend that would text me something like that and it makes me cringe.

Kinder456 · 10/04/2022 20:34

OP I could have written this myself. I have a very close friend. More like sister. There has been times where she has left me hanging and I felt exactly the same. I realised today it’s me making all the effort. I care way too much. I need to step back. Sometimes it’s best when people don’t reply or else we would never give up on them. Hope you feel better soon. I know it’s hard though.

PeachesToday · 10/04/2022 20:37

She said she needs time and will reply so I guess you have to sit in this uncomfortable limbo if you’d like the friendship to remain/bounce back.

I don’t reply to messages immediately either. Can be hours, can be days. I still care.

Regularsizedrudy · 10/04/2022 20:47

You asked her to explain, which of course she doesn’t have to, she said she needs times which is understandable given you’re dramatic text, so give her time.

Concestor · 10/04/2022 20:54

I don't think you sound intense or hard work, people on here like to say that about others, I've noticed. On Mumsnet it's the done thing to ghost people and not give a shit about friends, it's really odd.

I think your message was fine, but unfortunately she sounds like a flakey ghoster and you're unlikely to get the answer you deserve.

I'm sorry your friend has been shit. I do think if you drop someone they deserve a brief explanation, it's basically a break up and it's so rude just to stop speaking to someone you were close to. But you can't force her so take some time to heal. You've done all you can.

Kite22 · 10/04/2022 21:00

Your first text was very intense.
Then you chased it up very quickly without giving her time.
So many posters have said it comes across as being very intense but you aren't willing to accept that others might perceive it as such.

Even apart from that, you didn't let her into your life, and let her help you when you were having a difficult time, and then, on top of that you have moved to the other side of the country. Both of those separately alter a friendship considerably.

Nobody owes you an explanation of why they don't particularly want to put in the effort to to maintain a long distance friendship.
If you are anything like you are coming across in this post, in real life, then she has probably been wondering how to phrase it - whether to be honest and upset you further, or diplomatic and not resolve anything, so she might well have decided, on reflection it is better to say nothing, and let things lie. Her choice to do that is as valid as your desire to pick over the bones of why you have moved apart, rather than remembering the good times and thinking it is a shame they have been lost.

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