Page 2 | Would you have replied, or not?

aibuainbu · 2022-04-10T17:41:45+00:00

Friendship with a close friend broke down without any reason reason. I text my friend saying I was mourning the relationship and said I didn't completely understand why the breakdown had happened, and asked for her opinion on it. She said she was busy but would reply later. 24 hours passed. I text asking if I should expect a reply, or if she'd decided not to. She said she was busy and would reply when she had the time to articulate properly. It's been 3 days. Do you think she should have replied by now? Or indeed just said she wasn't going to reply? I find this waiting game weird.

Original poster

aibuainbu · 10/04/2022 19:10

@Mellowyellow222

What do you think she is angry about?

If it is something petty and she was willing to cut the friendship so easily maybe it’s best to let it go.

I know it’s tough but she clearly doesn’t want to explain. I think you now bow out with dignity

Agree. I'm definitely not going to message again.

It would be impossible to explain our whole friendship here in a few posts but it's a massive shame it's ended this way.

I believe she's cross about me not opening up about something deeply personal that happened to me. I believe she thinks that I pushed her away and is therefore why our relationship broke down (and of course I moved to the other end of the country.)

Either that, or our whole friendship was completely misunderstood in my mind!

OP posts:

collieresponder88 · 10/04/2022 19:13

I think you have reached out to her and that's all you can do. See if she makes contact but if she doesn't she just wants to leave it and you have to accept it It's sad but it's life I hope she texts you

NippyWoowoo · 10/04/2022 19:17

You sound intense, friend probably needed some distance

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/04/2022 19:20

@melj1213

Honestly you need to give her the time she has asked for and back off.

You have been stewing over this for months and so you have reached the point of contacting her on your own terms and when you were ready to go looking for answers. However your friend was not aware of this so for her she has just had a message out of the blue asking her to discuss the breakdown of your friendship.

Firstly she did the right thing in not responding immediately as she wanted time to consider what she said and possibly even think about your friendship for the first time in months. You've had time to think about messaging her, allow her the same courtesy.

Secondly, if you're not in contact for months you can't expect an immediate reply, and I would consider 24hrs immediate under the circumstances. You have no idea what is going on in her life, she could be going through any number of things that are higher priority for her or it could literally just have been bad timing - if she was in the middle of Tesco doing the weekly shop then she isn't going to drop everything to text you back, and if she had weekend plans and didn't have time to sit and reflect on her feelings/your friendship then it's not fair to keep pressuring her her an answer she is not ready to give you yet.

Everything said here, i couldn't put it better

Original poster

aibuainbu · 10/04/2022 19:20

@NippyWoowoo

You sound intense, friend probably needed some distance

You've based this on?

OP posts:

Original poster

aibuainbu · 10/04/2022 19:21

@collieresponder88

I think you have reached out to her and that's all you can do. See if she makes contact but if she doesn't she just wants to leave it and you have to accept it It's sad but it's life I hope she texts you

Yep. And I will.

I just find it odd.

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Idontgiveagriffindamn · 10/04/2022 19:23

You’ve probably had a bit of time to compose that message. She may be doing to same. She’s said she needs time to articulate the response - that’s perfectly valid especially if she is angry with you.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 10/04/2022 19:24

You are hard work. I can see why she's done. It seems all on your terms.

So you don't talk to her and have got pissed now she's not taking to you?

Original poster

aibuainbu · 10/04/2022 19:25

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

You are hard work. I can see why she's done. It seems all on your terms.

So you don't talk to her and have got pissed now she's not taking to you?

?

You've made up some of your own story there.

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girlmom21 · 10/04/2022 19:27

OP the reason people are saying you're intense is because you chased her after 24 hours of not sending you an essay - even though she already told you she's busy.

She's told you she'd respond when she has chance to collect and write down her thoughts and you won't allow her to do that.

When people try and explain this to you here, you're even challenging them.

You're full on. Back off.

Lamujere · 10/04/2022 19:28

I really don't mean this unkindly but you sound like hard work. Maybe she's got stuff going on in her own life and just can't be doing with you at the moment. You sound a bit draining. I'm sorry.

DropYourSword · 10/04/2022 19:31

You've based this on?

On this thread, I'd imagine.

You do sound quite intense. I'd think most people would accept that it will take someone the time it takes them to respond thoughtfully and appropriately.

It feels like you're really pushing and don't recognise it.

Greatoutdoors · 10/04/2022 19:32

I think a better approach would have been to say something like -

hey, how’s things? Hope your settling into your new life. I miss seeing you - we’ve not fallen out have we?

In the kindest possible way, I think the message you sent sounds a bit… intense?

But what’s done is done. Give her space and she will either come back to you or let it slide

Furrbabymama87 · 10/04/2022 19:34

Sounds like she doesn't want to be friends again and doesn't know what to say to you. Busy or not, when someone you care about sends a heartfelt message, you respond to it as soon as you can, so I don't think she does care about you as a friend anymore. Just let it go.

Original poster

aibuainbu · 10/04/2022 19:36

@Furrbabymama87

Sounds like she doesn't want to be friends again and doesn't know what to say to you. Busy or not, when someone you care about sends a heartfelt message, you respond to it as soon as you can, so I don't think she does care about you as a friend anymore. Just let it go.

I will let it go.

It's very obvious she doesn't want to be friends anymore, and I'm quite sure I don't want to be either.

The irony is, she drained me completely and used me as her emotional ground. With that said, I do miss the good times and how close we were.

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mistermagpie · 10/04/2022 19:38

@melj1213

Honestly you need to give her the time she has asked for and back off.

You have been stewing over this for months and so you have reached the point of contacting her on your own terms and when you were ready to go looking for answers. However your friend was not aware of this so for her she has just had a message out of the blue asking her to discuss the breakdown of your friendship.

Firstly she did the right thing in not responding immediately as she wanted time to consider what she said and possibly even think about your friendship for the first time in months. You've had time to think about messaging her, allow her the same courtesy.

Secondly, if you're not in contact for months you can't expect an immediate reply, and I would consider 24hrs immediate under the circumstances. You have no idea what is going on in her life, she could be going through any number of things that are higher priority for her or it could literally just have been bad timing - if she was in the middle of Tesco doing the weekly shop then she isn't going to drop everything to text you back, and if she had weekend plans and didn't have time to sit and reflect on her feelings/your friendship then it's not fair to keep pressuring her her an answer she is not ready to give you yet.

This.

SisterRuth · 10/04/2022 19:41

If some people call you intense, so be it. I'd be exactly the same with a few, very good friends who are more or less sisters to me. If they acted as you describe, it would really hurt & I'd want to understand wtf. And, naturally enough, you've said you won't bother her again if there's truly no conversation forthcoming. You've acted & felt exactly as I would. Not much help, I realise but at least I don't think you're hard work

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 10/04/2022 19:42

Leave her be.

Tbh I wouldn’t respond to the message you sent if in your friend’s situation as it’s intense.

Friendships end and it’s sad but you have to accept it and let it go. She knows where you are if she wants to get in touch.

Ohyesiam · 10/04/2022 19:44

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

So are you saying it was the friend who your relationship has broken down with that you were messaging?

That's even worse!

In what way? Are you saying that if your friend stopped contacting you you would ask them about it? That is a very odd definition of friendship.

Original poster

aibuainbu · 10/04/2022 19:45

@Youcansaythatagainandagain

Leave her be.

Tbh I wouldn’t respond to the message you sent if in your friend’s situation as it’s intense.

Friendships end and it’s sad but you have to accept it and let it go. She knows where you are if she wants to get in touch.

What's intense about it?

Genuinely curious. I asked for her opinion on it?

Our friendship was extremely close, to not say a thing about it would have been odd imo.

I'm happy for her to not ever reply and I'll not text her again (unless she wants a conversation).

It's honestly strange to me, goes to show how we don't really know anyone really.

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WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/04/2022 19:48

@Furrbabymama87

Sounds like she doesn't want to be friends again and doesn't know what to say to you. Busy or not, when someone you care about sends a heartfelt message, you respond to it as soon as you can, so I don't think she does care about you as a friend anymore. Just let it go.

I don't necessarily agree with this. I am not very good at putting together my thoughts/words at all and it can take me forever to write down how I'm feeling and have to chop and change all the time. I have left it overnight before to make sure I'm happy with what I'd written the next day.

Obviously I wouldn't ignore it but would say I'd get back to you but it might take me a couple of days.

Madrenetterhere · 10/04/2022 19:58

What is your inkling ? I'm curious. I think I would leave it. Simply if she wanted to reply or talk then she would make the time. I know the pain though and believe me in time this will hurt less.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 10/04/2022 19:58

I think your message was a bit intense - particularly for using the word mourning - and it will have came out the blue for her.

People are very busy and as PP has mentioned, anything could be going on in her life right now.

She could have easily just ignored or blocked you instead of saying she will reply once she has time to articulate it. If I had other things going on in my personal life I would find it really suffocating if someone demanded a heartfelt conversation within 24 hours when I wasn't expecting to hear from them.

I wouldn't write off a response yet but I also wouldn't send any more texts. Hope it works out for you.

melj1213 · 10/04/2022 19:59

What's intense about it?

You have gone from not messaging for months to messaging about mourning your relationship and wanting to explain the breakdown of the friendship.

For you it is something you have been thinking about for a while so seems perfectly reasonable but for a message that someone is going to receive out of the blue and without warning it comes across as demanding of attention and reflection.

She, after receiving your message sent an acknowledgement but said she was busy. You have no idea what is going on in her life right now.

You then followed up with a second text 24hrs later chasing a reply that comes across as demanding of her immediate attention in asking her if you were going to get a reply when she had already replied.

She then again responded and provided more explanation in that she basically wanted time to get her thoughts and feelings straight in her own head before she responded, but that she would do so when she was ready.

2 days later you're not happy she still hasn't responded.

You messaged her mid-week, if she is busy with work/family and had plans for this weekend then you can't expect her to prioritise you over her existing plans. She may not have felt that she had the headspace to deal with her daily life and dealing with the discussion of your friendship breakdown so she prioritised her current relationships.

You are expecting too much too soon and need to give her the courtesy of the time and space she needs to process her feelings, formulate a response and be ready to have a discourse about it. You have had all the time you need so allow her the same.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 10/04/2022 20:04

It’s only been 3 days. I can take longer than that to get back to friends even when I’m not messaging about something I want to ensure I articulate properly! A few years ago it was completely normal not to respond to correspondence immediately, certainly in the days of email or letters nobody expected a reply within a couple of days. Messaging comes with so much pressure now to stop whatever you’re doing and send a reply immediately or to be assumed to be rude or ignoring the person but really I don’t see the problem with somebody taking their time to reply.

I can appreciate you want the answer but it sounds like it’s not a top priority for her (understandably if she no longer sees you as a friend) and so I would expect it could be a week or more before she makes the time to compose a reply, it sounds like it may need to be long and detailed and so is probably not going to be something she can address quickly and no doubt she is leading her own life and so I think it’s reasonable to at least give her a week or two to get back to you before you assume she won’t bother.