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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lap dance

51 replies

MrsL222333 · 10/04/2022 11:44

Am I overreacting? AIBU? DH told me about his friend who'd had a lap dance and nearly got caught by his DW. My brain was adding 2+2 and getting to about 100! After a long discussion where I feel it's dangerous grounds to pay for a lap dance. DH said he'd had one when he was with his first wife. He gave no details, but said she wasn't happy- either when he told her, or she found out. I haven't asked. I find it difficult to ever ask too much as she passed away, so not an ex, therefore no animosity. Plus, I think I put her on a pedestal as 'the ideal'. I said I wouldn't want him to do it and I'd be petrified it would lead to more. He said he wouldn't do it now, knowing my feelings. I do trust him and believe him. We discussed the difference between this and watching porn - which we do sometimes. My opinion is, porn isn't real or personal. It's good to share and watch together sometimes. It doesn't bother me in the slightest for either of us to watch solo either. He said a lap dance is akin to a ladies night. I disagree. Knowing he'd paid for a lap dance would make me feel inadequate and put me off our own sex life - I'd be wondering how I could be better. So, that's the background. AIBU/ am I overreacting as it's a scenario, nothing has happened - except my opinion of his friend's secrecy from his wife! I'm emotional, I know that. My history has a lot to do with my insecurities, but AIBU?

OP posts:

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/04/2022 11:47

I would feel exactly like you, DH would be up for a lap dance but knowing my feelings he said he wouldn’t do it, I do believe him. On his stag do they went to a strip club and his mate had one but he said he didn’t. I just think it’s a step too far.

Beachsidesunset · 10/04/2022 11:48

I think he had one. But wouldn't again, knowing how you'd react. Let it go.

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 10/04/2022 11:51

The idea of my DH paying for what I view as a sexual service whilst married would be it for me.
We've discussed this. I know he's paid for them before- I also know that he was very early 20s, now as a father of a daughter, I'd expect him to have more respect for women, their bodies and of course our marriage.

TabbyMcTatBuskersCat · 10/04/2022 11:52

Lead to more...lol. You know it's a job to women who lap dance? They aren't remotely interested in your husband other than earning their money.

closetmeupandshootmetotheskies · 10/04/2022 11:55

Maybe I have a weird way of looking at this (probs, to be fair) but to me a LD is actually worse than, say, two people getting caught up and inadvertently snogging.

DH had the latter when we had just got together (boozy office party, misinterpreted signals from a female colleague, they both ended up spit swapping. Weird thing is, she's now a good family friend, was part of my wedding party, and is now engaged to a good mate of mine, so I'm glad I took it for the daft moment it was and we stayed friends, cos, she felt awful, and we all get on great) but a LD? You have to look for, want to find, and then pay for and make yerself sit there for it.

Original poster

MrsL222333 · 10/04/2022 11:56

Thank you. I feel so much better knowing I have normal views. I'll let this go and get it out of my head!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsL222333 · 10/04/2022 12:01

@TabbyMcTatBuskersCat

Lead to more...lol. You know it's a job to women who lap dance? They aren't remotely interested in your husband other than earning their money.

I don't for one second think the lap dancer is interested in anyone's husband. It's about what he thinks about doing next. If he thinks this is acceptable, what next?

OP posts:

TempName01 · 10/04/2022 12:19

Sorry OP but he was testing the waters with his question, it sounds like he has already had one recently and wondering how you would react to finding out.

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 10/04/2022 12:32

A ladies night and a strip club are exactly the same. You cannot say that one is morally worse than the other when the premise of both is to look at naked people behaving provocatively.

The goings on at a lot of ladies nights are also akin to having a lap dance.

There's nothing wrong with being against strippers to whatever degree, but I'm struggling to understand why its become an issue now.

Dancer47 · 10/04/2022 12:34

So - He watches pornography, which is basically enjoying watching other women (many of them drugged and trafficked) getting fuc*ed in various ways - and that's okay because it's not "real"? It's extremely real for the women caught up in it.

But a lap dance is off limits because it's "personal"? No, it's not personal.

It's no worse.
I would be out the door either way.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/04/2022 12:35

I wouldn't be with someone who thought lap dances were OK. It's gross and seedy to me. I feel exactly the same about male strippers/Magic Mike type ladies nights. It's all gross.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/04/2022 12:36

Porn is also grim imo.

TabithaTittlemouse · 10/04/2022 12:40

He said a lap dance is akin to a ladies night

What is a ladies night? What do people do?

fourofwands · 10/04/2022 12:41

He said he wouldn't do it now, knowing my feelings

This would drive me mad. Thankfully my DH wouldn't have a lap dance because HE finds the sex industry as abhorrent as I do. I don't think I could stand it if it were framed as "I love you so I won't which means of course I would if I could and probably will if I think you'll never find out"

Deadringer · 10/04/2022 12:46

Imo it is not ok for a person in a relationship to have a member of the opposite sex in close bodily contact while naked or nearly naked. I also feel that normalizing women taking off their clothes for money allows men to think that women's bodies are commodities to be bought and sold for their pleasure. So strip clubs, lap dancing clubs et al are a no no for me. It is perfectly acceptable op to feel as you do, don't let him convince you otherwise.

MsMiaWallace · 10/04/2022 12:52

I'd be more peed off over DH spending on a lap dance!

UltimateIrritant · 10/04/2022 14:03

Aren't lap dances in essence, having a stranger rub their genitalia against a man's genitalia?

What would he say if you paid for a stranger to rub his dick against your vulva?

Call it for what it is - personally I would be out

WellThisWentWell · 10/04/2022 14:17

I do not understand people who watch porn and by doing so supports such highly misogynystic industry, but the draws line in sex workers.
Do you not care about girls/women? is it only when there is money/ possible emotions involved, when you get worried?

WellThisWentWell · 10/04/2022 14:39

@Dancer47

But a lap dance is off limits because it's "personal"? No, it's not personal.

It's no worse.
I would be out the door either way.

THIS!

OneTC · 10/04/2022 15:00

So - He watches pornography, which is basically enjoying watching other women (many of them drugged and trafficked) getting fuced in various ways - and that's okay because it's not "real"? It's extremely real for the women caught up in it.*

Agreed that porn is very real for the people involved and it's probably more morally bankrupt than lap dancing

But she did say that she watches it too

waitingpatientlyforspring · 10/04/2022 15:02

A lap dance is akin to cheating for me. In our early days my DH made the mistake of telling me what some of his mates told him about their experience having a lap dance. Its a non negotiable no from me but thankfully DH agrees and would never have one.

Graphista · 10/04/2022 15:10

Aside from the relationship issues which are bad enough I wouldn't want to be with a man who supported exploitation of women and viewed their bodies as commodities to be bought and sold

You may want to review your porn use on that basis too especially as the vast majority of free porn involves exploitation and even sex trafficking, rape and Csa

I've also never been to nor would I go to a ladies night/male strippers for the same reasons

1000yellowdaisies · 10/04/2022 15:12

I wouldn't be happy with DH getting a lapdance, i think it's pretty sleazy behaviour to even go to a strip club but i don't think it would be a huge deal for me either.
I think it also depends of what sort of dance, did he get a dance from one of the girls in the open bar bit on like a stag do or did he go off and get a 1-1 dance in a private room?..
The second would be worse for me and I'd also be annoyed at the waste of money.

And i do partly agree with the comment about ladies nights.... i know plenty of friends who would be annoyed at their partners going to strip clubs but have gone to hen dos with things like butler in the buff. Its all sleazy

GrumpyTerrier · 10/04/2022 15:13

@UltimateIrritant Not in the UK. They dance close but no touching allowed. Often the man has to sit on his hands during it.

It may be different elsewhere but I only know about the UK. And I've heard that sometimes rules are broken in the VIP lounge.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2022 15:18

Would he be happy for you to do to a man what he's paying a woman to do to him? I'm betting no. The money doesn't make it better. It's cheating.

And yes, he's either already had one or wants to.

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