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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lap dance

51 replies

MrsL222333 · 10/04/2022 11:44

Am I overreacting? AIBU? DH told me about his friend who'd had a lap dance and nearly got caught by his DW. My brain was adding 2+2 and getting to about 100! After a long discussion where I feel it's dangerous grounds to pay for a lap dance. DH said he'd had one when he was with his first wife. He gave no details, but said she wasn't happy- either when he told her, or she found out. I haven't asked. I find it difficult to ever ask too much as she passed away, so not an ex, therefore no animosity. Plus, I think I put her on a pedestal as 'the ideal'. I said I wouldn't want him to do it and I'd be petrified it would lead to more. He said he wouldn't do it now, knowing my feelings. I do trust him and believe him. We discussed the difference between this and watching porn - which we do sometimes. My opinion is, porn isn't real or personal. It's good to share and watch together sometimes. It doesn't bother me in the slightest for either of us to watch solo either. He said a lap dance is akin to a ladies night. I disagree. Knowing he'd paid for a lap dance would make me feel inadequate and put me off our own sex life - I'd be wondering how I could be better. So, that's the background. AIBU/ am I overreacting as it's a scenario, nothing has happened - except my opinion of his friend's secrecy from his wife! I'm emotional, I know that. My history has a lot to do with my insecurities, but AIBU?

OP posts:

OneTC · 10/04/2022 15:20

And yes, he's either already had one or wants to.

That's what it says in the OP

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2022 15:24

@OneTC

And yes, he's either already had one or wants to.

That's what it says in the OP

I mean when with OP. Fairly obviously.

OneTC · 10/04/2022 15:26

Well yeah obviously his mate is him and his mates wife is OP but...

EmeraldShamrock1 · 10/04/2022 15:27

We discussed the difference between this and watching porn - which we do sometimes. My opinion is, porn isn't real or personal. It's good to share and watch together sometimes. 🙄

Porn is real and personal and probably more disturbing than a lap dance.

You've a slightly better chance of the lap dancer being an employee by choice with some control over how her body is treated.

I don't like it myself but not because I'd be jealous because it is seedy like porn.

TurningUpMyStereotype · 10/04/2022 15:33

@Graphista

Aside from the relationship issues which are bad enough I wouldn't want to be with a man who supported exploitation of women and viewed their bodies as commodities to be bought and sold

You may want to review your porn use on that basis too especially as the vast majority of free porn involves exploitation and even sex trafficking, rape and Csa

I've also never been to nor would I go to a ladies night/male strippers for the same reasons

This. I don’t know how women can be with men who care so little about the exploitation of these women. These lack of morals in men that see it all as ok just disgusts me.

RaspberryChouxBuns · 10/04/2022 15:48

If lapdances, often through trousers and underwear, are in your opinion worse than being penetrated roughly by (often) multiple men then you need to have a bit of a word with yourself.

notanothertakeaway · 10/04/2022 16:17

@Graphista

Aside from the relationship issues which are bad enough I wouldn't want to be with a man who supported exploitation of women and viewed their bodies as commodities to be bought and sold

You may want to review your porn use on that basis too especially as the vast majority of free porn involves exploitation and even sex trafficking, rape and Csa

I've also never been to nor would I go to a ladies night/male strippers for the same reasons

Agree with this

Piper22 · 10/04/2022 16:23

What do you mean by porn isn’t real?

ladygindiva · 10/04/2022 16:26

@closetmeupandshootmetotheskies

Maybe I have a weird way of looking at this (probs, to be fair) but to me a LD is actually worse than, say, two people getting caught up and inadvertently snogging.

DH had the latter when we had just got together (boozy office party, misinterpreted signals from a female colleague, they both ended up spit swapping. Weird thing is, she's now a good family friend, was part of my wedding party, and is now engaged to a good mate of mine, so I'm glad I took it for the daft moment it was and we stayed friends, cos, she felt awful, and we all get on great) but a LD? You have to look for, want to find, and then pay for and make yerself sit there for it.

I don't think you are weird at all, I'm the same. I would rather dp godforbid had a connection with and maybe flirted or kissed another woman , than went to a stripclub and had a lapdance. The former would devastate me but I could probably get over it, the latter would indicate that he had dubious opinions about women and as I have 3 daughters, 2 with him, that is something I would not get over.

Original poster

MrsL222333 · 10/04/2022 16:39

@Piper22

What do you mean by porn isn’t real?

I don't mean porn isn't real. I mean that for us, it's watching a screen, it's not a live person in close proximity doing something just to him. I know porn is real! I see the fact I condone watching a porn video is more of an issue to people. I appreciate the exploitation of the sex industry and that I raised something controversial. Which is actually a debate in itself.

OP posts:

Vallmo47 · 10/04/2022 17:22

YANBU Op.

HelloDulling · 10/04/2022 17:26

It’s exploitation. As is porn. It would be game over for me.

JayniSummers · 10/04/2022 17:36

I have an amazing friend who dances . She's neatly always naked , it's extremely sexual , she ( and I understand this is the norm) grinds down on the man's lap , although the men don't touch her , they are absolutely getting more than just a stripper experience. It's not unusual for men to ask her if she offers " extras" and then get slightly annoyed when she says no, there's a huge sense of entitlement from these blokes .
I love her very much and she does with her body whatever she choses , it's not something I would want to do even if I had a body as amazing as hers to do so , but she enjoys it and makes anything from 500 - 1k a night .

However from the stories she tells me , I would absolutely leave my husband if he had gone to such a place for a dance . It's vile and full of misogynistic entitled men who see women as a commodity to buy . She is unable to have any sort of relationship with any man because of her experiences with 99% of the blokes who go there

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 10/04/2022 17:36

Imo it is not ok for a person in a relationship to have a member of the opposite sex in close bodily contact while naked or nearly naked. I also feel that normalizing women taking off their clothes for money allows men to think that women's bodies are commodities to be bought and sold for their pleasure. So strip clubs, lap dancing clubs et al are a no no for me. It is perfectly acceptable op to feel as you do, don't let him convince you otherwise.

This x 100

BOOTS52 · 10/04/2022 17:50

They all lie and if all their friends in seedy club having a lap dance you can bet he is also. I would have called his bluff and pretended I didn't care and see what he said then. Hen night not the same at all as women giggling and laughing and not getting private dances where their genitals right up in their faces either. Am glad am single as just think men my age in early 50's are worse than ever and just getting seedier as they get older. As for these week trips to Vegas totally ridiculous before getting married as men are not only getting lap dances but paying for sex also. Weird my 21 year old son said to me why would men want to do that before they get married so least have taught him some good morals and to respect women.

BOOTS52 · 10/04/2022 17:53

I am not into hen nights with seedy clubs myself and am very open minded but pay for sexual pleasure just for me is a no no. Also women in porn are so abused and many are trafficked so could not think watching with a man is a good thing but each to their own.

Popsicle33 · 10/04/2022 18:00

It makes me sick and I could never respect a man who goes to these clubs. I know an ex dancer and there were a lot of extras offered. Even if not, in a private dance they run against the groin, open their legs very close to their faces etc. And the majority of dancers really don't want to be there.

WonderfulYou · 10/04/2022 18:07

YABU as this happened to someone else and not you.

I personally wouldn’t have an issue with a lap dance as I know it’s literally just that but if you’re uncomfortable then you have every right to say that and not want that live crossed.

tiggergoesbounce · 10/04/2022 18:15

So the main problem is your fear of him falling for another woman or fancying another real life woman.

Porn may not be "real" for you, but its a horrendous industry to support, just to enable you to get your kicks in the bedroom. Its very real for the women involved and how you can even get aroused knowing the abuse and exploitation of the industry, is pretty disgraceful IMO, as it means you dont really care providing it helps your sex life.

But anyhoo, i don't really think it matters if he gets a lapdance once you are condoning porn. He is not cheating, he is getting his rocks off to a woman in that industry. She will not fancy him, she will not want to be with him, he is a person who she probably pitties for needing to be with her in the first place.

I would be livid if my husband had a lapdance, because i expect him to be more aware of the possibilities of how she has maybe got in that job. I do know loads of woman choose that and i am not knocking that at all, if you choose that, thats great, but i would hate it if he helped in supporting a club that mistreated or got thier girls through trafficking or abuse.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 11/04/2022 00:57

So the main problem is your fear of him falling for another woman or fancying another real life woman.
I think so. 🤔

ChaToilLeam · 11/04/2022 01:05

Porn and LD are just different aspects of the same thing. Seedy, grim objectification of women. I wouldn’t tolerate any of it.

toomanydogsandcats · 11/04/2022 01:18

Christ, how sad we are dealing with thus in 2022.

1forAll74 · 11/04/2022 01:49

Lots of men kind of sneak off to these strip clubs and lap dance places after boozing in other places, on stag nights etc, so there will be many men who go to them and not tell their partners, and the partners will be none the wiser., so best not to think about such things.

MissMaple82 · 11/04/2022 03:36

Yeah cos I bet them women find your husband irresistible!

BarbedButterfly · 22/11/2022 11:37

*their own bounda

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