Dh and the eggs!

[Fitterbyfifty]

Ok, this has ( irrationally?) pissed me off mightily so I thought I would ask AIBU - do your worst!

Dh decided to make carbonara - he doesn't normally cook but it was my birthday so he offered. I said ok (I don't like carbonara but, chef's choice). I told him to check the date on the eggs as I think some of them were out of date but we were going to boil and paint them so they were still in the fridge. He said ok. Just before he started I said again, please check you're using the fresh eggs - the carbonara is made with raw eggs so I'm more careful with use by dates than normal. He said ok, stop fussing. This morning I discovered- you've guessed it - he used the eggs which were a week out of date. Apparently, he didn't think. Obviously we are all still alive but it has given me the rage. Why can he not do a simple task? Why say yes but then not do it?

As is so often the case, it's not really about the eggs it's that I can't trust him to tell the truth. He says he'll do something but he won't- be that check eggs or pay for a school trip. I have to double check everything or, as more often happens, do it myself. We started out as partners sharing tasks but over the years, I do more and more myself as I can't trust him to actually do it and have to check up on everything. It's exhausting. AIBU and how do I get him to step up??? I doubt he is like this at work so why does he need micromanaging at home?

I can’t get past the fact that he made you something you’re not keen on for your birthday meal.

@SamphirethePogoingStickerist

My point *@Hausa* was that if OP is making a fuss about eggs that have not gone off, her DH is simply choosing to ignore her because she is being overly precious, then maybe he does this at other times. Maybe being double checked all the time has had its effect. Keeping eggs in the fridge also suggests to me that OP has some requirements that aren't necessarily sensible, that her DH might choose to ignore because he is an adult and doesn't have to toe her line.

Maybe situations like eating a birthday meal she doesn't like is indicative of OP being a bit if a martyr and helping perpetuate her own misery.

Who knows? I am just pointing out that, in her own words, OP does seem to be part of the problem.

Ah, so that was what you meant by *Why do you keep your eggs in the fridge?

They last for weeks, months, in the packaging the hen provides. They don't need to be refrigerated. That's why supermarkets have them in the aisles, not in cooler units*

Sure.

The OP is like a bingo card for Useless Husband Syndrome.

I couldn't get past him making something you don't like for your birthday dinner, let alone everything else.

What is the point of him?

Well tbf she kind of likes it and she agreed to it because the children like it. So that’s not really his fault.

Eggs out of date are really fine, so you are being OTT there.

As to your broader complaint, can you give more examples? On the face of it I’d say he’s not a child and doesn’t need to be told which eggs to use.

I’m still stuck at him cooking something that you don’t really like for your birthday meal.

@Nnique

Well tbf she kind of likes it and she agreed to it because the children like it. So that’s not really his fault.

It's not really NOT his fault either.

@Fitterbyfifty

I understand what you mean, my husband is similar. It isn't about the eggs at all, as you know. If it's anything like mine, this is just the end of a long line of him saying he'd do something and then doing it wrong so something gets fucked up or not bothering forgetting.

I don't have any advice but I sympathise as it can be ridiculously aggravating.

No but it’s not crime of the century either is it.

Before anyone anyone comes back with ‘making excuses/low standards for men/whatever else, I’ll direct you to my second comment on this thread. My last comment on this is in response to OP’s own further clarifications regarding the meal. It’s hardly his fault if he wasn’t actually aware that she’d rather have had something else.

@Fitterbyfifty

I’m stuck on that he cooked you something you don’t like on your birthday to be honest, did he know? Yes, but he hasn't got a big recipe repertoire tbh and the kids wanted that so I said ok.

He has no access at all to the internet?

I agree with PPs, you're being a bit OTT about the eggs but it's about the lying really isn't it?

Still no idea why he'd cook something you don't particularly like and then make out he's done it for you, because it's your birthday.

Does your DH remember that you don't like carbonara? I told DH that I detest Cadbury's creme eggs when we were first going out 15 years ago. However, every year he'll come in at some point at this time of year declaring he's brought a treat in for me then produce a creme egg with a big flourish!

Why do you keep your eggs in the fridge?
Because I have a tiny kitchen! If I didn't put the eggs in the fridge I'd have to put the toaster in. We have quite a lot in the fridge that doesn't need to be there.

Anyway, I've calmed down now and realized the whole situation is a bit ridiculous but thank you to everyone who understood where I was coming from.

Tbh, he was right, stop fussing. If he said he was going to cook x, just leave it to him.

Keeping eggs in the fridge extends the shelf life and as other people have pointed out, they last for ages even at room temperature. Having been stored in the fridge, they were effectively still in date.

@Fitterbyfifty

Why do you keep your eggs in the fridge? Because I have a tiny kitchen! If I didn't put the eggs in the fridge I'd have to put the toaster in. We have quite a lot in the fridge that doesn't need to be there.

Anyway, I've calmed down now and realized the whole situation is a bit ridiculous but thank you to everyone who understood where I was coming from.

Haha, I get you on the tiny kitchen, Can't say I;ve had to resort to the toaster in the fridge, but it's a special kind of pain.

I can get why you'd be annoyed about the lie, but was it a lie, or was he just avoiding causing a fuss?

And I've always found the float test for eggs works a treat - if in doubt, do that. But don't be beholden to BBE dates, they're not designed to protect you, they're intended to make you waste food and spend needless money.

I really hate the way someone always says, on threads like these, that you are responsible for your dh/dps bad behaviour because you’ve enabled it. So as well as working ft, maintaining a household, raising dc women are also responsible for implementing a behavioural management plan for grown men.

For what it’s worth, I would have accepted a meal that dh could cook and the dc would enjoy because celebrating birthdays is part of our family culture (and because dh would make up the lack in other ways). And I would 100% use the fresher eggs in carbonara or a fried egg for instance and used older eggs for boiling/baking. And I would expect a conversation if dh and I differed on bbf dates.

Short version : yanbu.

Two options:

1. Because he thinks he knows best but is also doing that thing of telling you what you want to hear in the moment to avoid "grief". For some reason, some men don't seem to realise that avoiding "grief" in the moment tends to lead to much more "grief" later, and then get very affronted when that happens.

1. Because he thinks he knows best so he forgets what you have told him as it's not important enough to commit it to memory.

It’s hardly his fault if he wasn’t actually aware that she’d rather have had something else.

Why not? They're married with kids so presumably he's had years to find out what she does and doesn't like. And it was her birthday so yes, it is on him to think about what she likes when cooking for her birthday. Otherwise it's pretty half arsed and pointless.

@TooManyPJs

Two options:

1. Because he thinks he knows best but is also doing that thing of telling you what you want to hear in the moment to avoid "grief". For some reason, some men don't seem to realise that avoiding "grief" in the moment tends to lead to much more "grief" later, and then get very affronted when that happens.

1. Because he thinks he knows best so he forgets what you have told him as it's not important enough to commit it to memory.

Perhaps he does know best?

The alternative is that OP thinks she knows best

Both of them cant be right.

We can agree to disagree then. OP clearly wasn’t bothered enough to say that she’d quite like something else. And I’m certainly not a handmaiden so I don’t make a habit of taking the man’s side just for the sake of it. Case in point, as I said above: please note my second comment on this thread.

@Fitterbyfifty my only other comment on this is unless he carries a shitload of weight in terms of relationship/parenting/household/working etc (which given the mental load problems you’ve outlined is probably not likely), I don’t think cooking should be considered something special he only has to do every great while or when it’s your birthday...

Many food products are good long past their 'use by' date. It's how they get you to chuck them out and buy more

Wrong.

Foods past their “use by” date shouldn’t be eaten long after that date. They will spoil and can make you very unwell.

Foods past their “best before” date can safely be eaten but will not be at their best.

You can ignore best before dates, you shouldn’t ignore use by dates.

Eggs have a best before, but the advice is to do a simple check on whether they have gone off or not. If kept in the fridge, it’s unlikely eggs a week beyond their best before will be a problem.

You absolutely can ignore use by dates in many instances. As long as you can make the necessary judgement wisely yourself. Some foods shouldn’t be used long past those date, fish and seafood being obvious examples, but it’s by no means a hard and fast rule.

Sorry OP for engaging in this derail! I promise I’m leaving now (have I promised once before?? ) I’m glad to hear you’ve calmed down about the ‘silly business’ and I wish you good luck with sorting out the bigger issues with him!

I just don’t understand this, why do you need to micromanage him? It’s really a question for anyone in this scenario. If mine doesn’t do something, breaks something, screws something up, I just leave it to him and let him figure it out. Just as he does with me when it’s something that screw up.

Maybe one thing I’ve learned over the years is to not sweat the small things. Yes, there are things I prefer or have an opinion about, but I also know that mine isn’t always the best way or when I’m just being picky about something. You know what, when left to his own devices he gets the job done and often shows me a better way to do things that I haven’t thought of.

Unless it was green, hairy and trying to crawl out of the fridge, there is a fairly good chance my DH would eat it...or try to feed it to me 😱 that is, if he could be bothered to find 1) the kitchen and 2) the fridge.🤦‍♀️